I’ve
been told that I’m brave, that I’m forging a new course, that I am doing the
unthinkable. Most of my days make me feel pretty empowered and inspired – but then
there also comes the reality of real life that sets in at some point during
each and every single day. One of the biggest lessons I’m learning through this
process is that I, just like the rest of my life, am a work in progress. In
these last few months I’ve had many ups and downs, and I’m sure there are many
more to come. I’ve shared a couple of stories so far about a pivotal moment or
two in this journey, because realizing huge concepts (like how my emotional
state affects my physical state, or how I am capable of far greater things than
I ever gave myself credit for) are what continue to shape me in this process. Just
because I realize something so powerful does not mean the practical application
comes easily. Quite the opposite, actually. I’ve grown thankful for the ups,
but more so for the downs because of what I continually learn about myself. The
concept of liminal space was introduced to me last week. It’s the transitional
part of a story: after the major conflict arises, but before the final resolution.
It’s described as the part of the story where the main character encounters the
most personal growth and ultimately leads up to a great resolve. In the heat of
despair, it is not easy for me to appreciate the downs, but knowing that this
liminal transition in my life is leading me to a great resolve makes me
appreciate the process.
Every
single day I wake up, there’s work to do. From sun up to sun down my mind not
only focuses on being a mother, a wife, a doctor, it focuses every second on taking
care of the Me. It focuses on what I am doing in this very moment to help shift
my body towards health and wellness. Not many people know what goes into a day
in the life of this shift. At any given moment there are 46 things I can be
doing on my list of healing and getting well. I could have every minute of
every day planned for all of the things I need to DO. But every single day I
choose to put myself first and simply Be.
I
had to change my perspective. One can get lost in all of the daily tasks. It
can become overwhelming whether you are trying to get yourself well, or simply
keep up with life’s demands. I invite you to look at the endless list of life’s
tasks a bit differently. I realize I’ve
painted a picture of love and grace that might only feel attainable in a
serene, quiet, magical space. The real magic is attaining this balance in the
middle of spilled oatmeal, getting ready for school chaos, poopy diapers, and
bickering kids. For the first time ever I am not paralyzed by the un-done. In
fact, it’s kind of liberating to look at my un-completed To-Do-List as an
endless list of options if I so choose to get something done. It’s freeing to
take in a deep breath, and fully exhale with no stress over what needs to get
finished. This is made especially easy when you come to find that your kids
have deleted the “Notes” app on your phone which used to hold 115+ random tid
bits and To-Do-Lists you’d once kept track of. At first I panicked! “How will I
remember lists, numbers, all of the things!?” Then I took a deep breath and was
filled with gratitude. It was almost a weight lifted off my shoulders to
magically have years of Lists – gone. No expectations of myself, no tasks I
will ‘get around to someday’. Just me. Ready to show up for myself at this
moment. I’ve learned to set limits for myself. I’ve learned to say no, and set
boundaries so I don’t get over-stressed. The truth is, cancer or no cancer,
that’s no easy task for anyone! Showing up for yourself and giving yourself the
love and attention you deserve is a priority, not a privilege.
When
my kids are screaming in my face because someone took the other one’s underwear
and the first one ate the other one’s last bite – I pause. I know you know what
I’m talking about… the Mom Stress of the day to day real life stuff. I deal
with all of that too!! But the good news is – navigating those tumultuous
waters doesn’t have to look pretty, and often never does. I used to get caught
up in the work. Caught up in needing to get it right, needing to have my shit
together. But guess what: NO ONE has their shit together. This creates a
perceived stress that can be suffocating. Accepting your circumstances and
being grateful for where you’re at as opposed to being anxious for what’s to
come will literally change how you’re able to see everything in life.
A
message was slipped to me the other day, at exactly the right time I needed to
hear it. So I thought I would share: “Let us not become weary in doing good for
at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galations 6:9
We are all set on a path, and there is hard work ahead of each of us, no matter
what the journey is. But we are instructed to go forth, do hard work, and not
to give up. This reminds me that each moment of every day is worth it. The hard
work God has set before me NOW is worth every ounce of dedication for the
amazing story he is continually unfolding in my life.
We’ve
all got 24 hours. Yes, it takes a long time to juice. Yes, it takes a long time
to prepare fresh whole food meals. Yes, is time consuming to be conscious of
how I fit every bit of everything into my daily life. Sometimes people seem
shocked and confused at my efforts, but when I look at how I choose to spend my
24 hours, it is the intentionality that counts. I am intentionally choosing to
*live, and put forth that hard work now, so that my children will reap the reward
of this effort. When you look at what you can do with each passing minute and
how it evolves into a 24-hour time block, you see that it’s not about fitting
it all in. It’s about maximizing each moment, and embracing all of the life you
can live throughout all of your experiences – simply by BEing present in that
moment. And most importantly, it’s about never giving up.
I
am truly blessed beyond belief. I didn’t choose this life. This life chose me.
There are definitely moments I get tripped up. There are moments I feel like
there will never be enough time to get it all in, or get it right: that’s right
about the time when my body shuts down. It’s this crucial time when things feel
their hardest and I lose sight of my mission that I give myself grace, and I
give my body rest. It’s not about always feeling 100%, or doing amazing – it’s
about BEing true to myself, which also includes loving myself through agonizing
detox migraines or sleeping my way through the uphill climb my body has with
maximizing change. It’s about re-centering my thoughts and intentions. I know
with each passing moment the effort is *Massive, and when the intentionality of
those moments add up, you begin to see healing happen all day. Everyday.
I am blessed because if
given the choice I would not have chosen this life – this struggle – this work.
But because it has been placed before me, I have been given an incredible
opportunity to seize every moment in love. 