Cancer Free by Christmas

Have you ever said anything deeply profound and meaningful, but not realized it at the time you said it? Through this process I have come to find that there is an innate wisdom that comes shining through when I connect my awareness to the heavens. When I listen with my heart instead of with my mind – answers are given. The fun part of these answers are that often times I blurt things out, and have no idea the immensity of the thought until months later when I realize, “See, I knew it all along? I just had to listen to myself….”

When I was first diagnosed with stage 3 triple negative (very aggressive) breast cancer not a single medical doctor asked me WHY I thought I had gotten cancer. In fact, they told me it was random chance. They were certain that it must have been genetic, being that I was so young.  Well, it’s not genes. And it’s NOT random – none of this is random chance. It was one of my biggest personal victories to find out that I am not flawed, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my genome… in fact it’s quite perfect. Now that’s kind of sexy! Worthy of adding to my ‘strengths’ column for sure. My answer when natural doctors and my reiki master had asked me what I thought caused my cancer was “I don’t know! I’m like the healthiest person I know. I think there is a really big emotional component, but I just haven’t quite figured it out.”

Boom.

Innately I knew. And so began, the biggest healing journey I’d ever go on. A journey inward, of watching my physical body change as I allowed my emotional and spiritual side to heal and grow.

Through this process I have struggled with focusing all of my energy on healing my physical body, pushing my body to the max with supplements, daily therapies, teas, remedies, etc. I had wanted to DO everything I could so I could say that no matter what I tried my hardest to heal my body. It literally became my life – I was defined by the millions of things I was trying to do to enhance my body’s healing. I was unable to do things that were once very fulfilling and gave me life… in order to save my life. Then I kept coming back to the fact that our bodies are innately intelligent, they are designed to heal and they need no help... just no interference. (Physical, chemical, or emotional.) I’ve gone through ups and downs of feeling incredible, and feeling downright miserable. My goal was to spend 3 months of ‘hard core’, no loose ends, balls to the walls, every therapy imaginable, and then get a repeat of my blood work to see how well my efforts worked.

That should have been my first clue. MY PLAN. My goal. MY work. It’s bigger than that. I should have known, it’s so much bigger than the physical Me.   

To my dismay, I went for the blood draw after my 3 months of hard work and the one test tube that was sent in the kit didn’t have enough vacuum seal to draw enough blood to send in. I couldn’t get my test done. I was frustrated I couldn’t get my answer or my ‘all-clear’. I was upset that after all of that hard work I couldn’t see exactly where I was to see if it had paid off. Something in me was a little relieved. I thought “it’s meant to be. I will just relax a little bit, I’ll do what I can, but we have a trip to Hawaii coming up and I will just get my blood drawn when I get back.”

Honestly, from all the work I’d been putting in to help support my body I was pretty burnt out. I wanted a break from having cancer. I wanted a pass on doing all the DOING I had been doing every single day and the added stress it put on me. I wanted a break from the expectation of missing time with my friends and family so that I could ‘give’ more time to myself. I was looking forward to getting those results, telling me I was cancer free – but then I realized, if that’s what they said I would continue holding myself to those standards, and for how long? The fear of ‘How long am I going to have to continue this regimen?” set in, because if those actions were what had gotten me well, I don’t think I’d have let up one stitch.

We spent 8 incredible carefree days in Hawaii. I didn’t juice, but I found a great juice bar that made the most decadent organic local fresh juices and raw salads. My family and I would walk to the juice co each day for special treats. We took early morning walks to a few of our favorite spots and watched that beautiful sunrise over the beach. We found a quaint coffee shop, a hidden beach, and so many treasured places I cannot wait to go back to.  I didn’t eat a raw vegan diet – I splurged on the freshest fish and the finest desserts. My mouth waters just thinking about it! I even had a drink by the poolside and ate French fries with my kiddos after swimming in chlorinated water – gasp! And here’s the thing: I have never felt better! I never felt pain once. I didn’t feel sick at all. I don’t think I brought up cancer one single time I was on vacation. I relaxed, I laughed, I indulged. I watched my kids experience the ocean. I got quiet time to myself with my toes in the sand. And every single day: I grew roots. I planted my bare feet on that soil and imagined my roots growing deep into the earth because I am here now. And I’m here to stay. I got a very clear message from God as I was engrossed in the vitality of my vacation.

It’s not about the juicing. It’s not about the exercise, the sauna, or the coffee enemas. It’s not about the diet you choose, the right combination of supplements or eliminating the right foods. It’s about loving yourself so much that you’re willing to allow healing to take place within your soul first. It’s about connecting to God and seeing God through you – and understanding that we are all one.  

This brought me back to a message I’d received before I traveled to Colorado in August of this year for our first ‘treatment’ experience:

The treatment doesn’t matter. Whatever treatment you choose does not matter.

At the time I was terrified and that message was less than comforting. I wanted to know what the RIGHT path was. I wanted to know that the treatment I was choosing would save my life. God told me then, and he told me again now that I am saved. I am healthy. I am whole. And I am healed. That message is clear to me today, but holds so much more meaning once I’ve experienced life the way I have.

Our amazing vacation eventually ended, and heading home felt right. It felt slow, and connected. I was scheduled to re-draw my bloodwork when we got home. I had zero anxiety about getting my blood drawn this time. I didn’t even tell anyone I was getting the test run. I was very much at ease about knowing I am just fine.

As the week drew on and we were trying to get back into the swing of things I grew more accustomed to my old lifestyle. I hadn’t done anything for myself. No juice. No sauna. No me time. I was putting my kids’ every single need before my own. And I hadn’t taken any time to be grateful for the life I’m living and slow things down to show myself love. It wasn’t intentional at all, but very quickly I began to fall back into my old habits. Part of me thought “It’s ok, I’ll get back to it soon enough – but it doesn’t matter anyway, I can heal without a million therapies!” This was my way of justifying not giving myself time or love, which I’m sure you can relate to. I kept thinking, I’ll head down to the sauna tomorrow, I’ll just catch up on one more thing around the house. The pendulum had swung in the opposite direction. I had literally gone from one extreme to the next trying to find balance. Trying to figure out what the rest of my life is supposed to look like. I refuse to live my life as if I’m healing from cancer. I refuse to live my life as if I’m broken and constantly needing to fix things. I went from doing a million things to push my body’s function of detox and immune boost, to the far end of the spectrum where I did literally nothing to support my body physically, but I heightened my awareness. Now that I was home I felt like I’d lost myself. It was time to get myself re-tested to see where my blood results lied and time for me to decide what to make of each day.    

I’d be lying if I wasn’t super giddy and totally excited to find that my numbers proved that all the LIVING I had done in Hawaii did nothing but help me heal faster, but I was still unsure of what the answers would prove. I got my blood taken and they overnighted it to the lab. I waited a few days, and when I impatiently called the day before I should have heard any results the lab told me they had never received my serum. What?? Are you serious?? There had to be some mistake. I was supposed to get my answer. I’m certain, I was supposed to joyously share the news with my family that I was cancer free by Christmas. No, this was no joke. For whatever reason (still unknown to me) FedEx rejected the package and it was never sent. I expected reassurance that my magic number meant that the efforts I had once been so diligent about making didn’t matter, and that I could live my life carefree and still see positive movement.

Where to start now? I went around and around about what matters, which therapies might be of importance, and tried making a plan when I remembered God’s message “It doesn’t matter which treatment you choose.” It was at this point I recognized my feeling of ‘out of control’ did not come from my Lack-of-a-Plan, it came from neglecting to give myself any time from the moment we got home. I was right all along! It’s NOT about the enemas or the green juices.

·        It’s simply about showing up for myself each day as the best truest version of ME that I can be, and loving myself SO MUCH I give to myself each and every day. Give time. Give grace. Give joy. Give laughter. Give permission to love and to be loved.

Do you see it?

It was never about having cancer in the first place. I used to be *obsessed with living a healthy lifestyle. I used to take health so seriously and try so vigorously to get my friends and family to care about living a healthy lifestyle. It was never about becoming more obsessed with different ways to BE healthy – it was about meeting myself on a new playing field. Life is meant to be experienced as a means of embracing and expressing WHO we truly are, an expression of God. It was never about me, it’s about everyone else whose life I touch and the way in which I touch it – because we are all one.

The continued ‘treatment plan’ I have chosen looks like a combination of everything I’ve learned in the past 6 months, but mostly it looks like an unregimented guide to giving to myself every single day. This includes time to myself, connecting with God, and picking whatever it is I feel my body and soul needs in this moment. I’ve taken several mornings to work out and sit in the sauna, while other mornings I have chosen a different therapy of choice for an hour or so. Some mornings I’ve been intentional about meeting a friend for coffee – yes, the sweet hot black nectar of life is back in my hands am so so grateful for thoroughly enjoying every sip in a good friend’s company. Here’s the kicker, I’ve also one nothing at all some days. I’ve taken time in nature and taken time to breathe. I’ve maintained a healthy diet and tend to make choices based on what will make me feel fulfilled as opposed to feeling deprived of things. I make conscious choices out of love and respect for my physical body, and take time to check in with the Big Me. I’ve not felt guilty one time for choosing one thing over another, and in each part of my day I give it my best to be completely present with myself. Allowing myself time to heal and come back to my center. I know that healthy choices do matter, and I still make healthy choices based on loving myself. But I do not shut myself out from the world or keep myself from experiencing LIFE because the reason we are here is to embrace all facets of living. My goal in writing has never once been to lay out a plan for anyone to follow or share with the world the answer to cancer. My goal was never to write a timeline showing all of the therapies and how/when to introduce them because honestly, I had no damn clue how this all works and surely no direction guide. All I know is that in some crazy combination of the experiences I’ve had I figured out how and what feels like LOVE to me. I figured out the amount of time I need to clear my mind and how to breathe. (Which is so incredibly HARD with three little kids, by the way.) And I’ve figured out how to listen to that inner guidance that wants so badly to share the answers.

There is a quote by Anita Moorjani that seems very fitting, “When you heal the metaphysical you get a clear channel for what is right to heal your physical body.”

I’m certain that as long as my essence feels the warm embrace of my own light I can share my light and love with others. Healing has taken place at each turn of this journey. And look at that – I was right… there was some emotional component, and I finally put my finger on it. We are ALL so much more than these physical bodies. Whether it is cancer or any of the other hundreds of dis-ease states our bodies might experience. Taking care of ourselves is so much more than looking at the physical needs of this innately genius physical frame. I am so grateful for the wake-up call I received. Knowing now, nearly 7 months after I was diagnosed with cancer – it was never about the cancer. It was about me waking up, and finding the inner Me. The Big Me. The bigness I felt within is so beautifully powerful because it’s the interconnectedness of every single part of the whole. And understanding that if you’re not willing to look within yourself and see your role in your perceived reality, then your perception of the world is lost. Nothing is as it seems. Remember when I told the doctors it’s not random? I have come to understand and be grateful that all of this happened for a reason.

For the first time I am looking forward to the new paths I’ll discover and the continued healing and growing that I know will take place. God was right. It does not matter which treatment you choose. Because it is not the treatment that has healed me. It is ME who has allowed love IN and by supporting myself this way I do not forget who I came here to BE. For the longest time I looked forward to the destination: the removal of my diagnosis. Now that I am truly living each day as though I am cancer free, the journey itself looks a lot more like heaven and experiencing life here on earth feels a lot more like a blessing.

In this season of life, with little people looking up to you, so many of us put ourselves last. So many of us moms choose* to fill others’ cup before our own because at any given moment there are tiny humans demanding a trillion things from you. “I want water. Not that cup. Where’s my straw? No! I said no lid, yes ice. Why isn’t it cold? Where’s my snack? I need to poop. Come wipe me. I need to tell you something. Smell my horse. Read to me? I love you Mom! Hold me, Mama! She took my toy. Dawson ate my picture. Mom, mom, MOOOM!!!” With a baby on my boob, grabbing a snack for this one, and cleaning up that one’s spilled water… Ex.Haust.ING. Don’t get me wrong, my children are grateful, and they are the lights of my life, but they incessantly ask for things and NEED things from me, which can make it almost impossible for a mom to accomplish anything for herself. There’s just something about Mom-life where you feel drawn to take care of your babies first. There are a million requests and I do in fact say no to a lot of them, but it’s hard. It’s hard to make time for yourself when the tiny humans you love so much are demanding so much of your time. It’s hard to remain centered when you’ve got tantrums flying and littles climbing the curtains. #mommingainteasy

I said something at the BIRTHFIT Summit on a Podcast last summer. I did not fully appreciate my own insights, and I surely did not know the immensity of what I was saying at the time: I said “You need to GIVE to yourself in a real true way. Not by manicures and massages, but truly GIVING to yourself on a level that makes you feel alive.” It was as if someone else had given me those words at the time… because I have heard my own voice resonating those words every day, ever since I said them. As moms we need to get to know ourselves from the inside out. Love ourselves unconditionally, and stop with the crazy expectations. We need to fill our own cups first by connecting with ourselves during quiet moments so that when our kids get to volume 11 and crazy hits the fan – we’ve got that sacred foundation of love that keeps the calm. This is a daily practice, just like meditation, love is a practice that I pray each and every person reading this decides to join me on.

When we were in Hawaii we took the kids to none other than a Hawaiian Luau! The show was fantastic, the food was incredible, and of course I spilled my drink all over the table while parenting 3 over tired children who simultaneously needed to potty, didn’t want to eat their food, and couldn’t decide if nursing would distract him from the show. This is real life folks. But while we were there Brandon insisted he wanted to buy me a pearl necklace as something to remember and embrace our healing experience on this trip. He had picked one he liked, and told me to pick any pearl I wanted. I wasn’t surprised that we had picked almost the exact same pearl – a Tahitian black pearl in a perfectly imperfect teardrop rounded shape. But what I was surprised by was the meaning behind that specific kind of pearl that we had picked. Instead of my usual late night facebook browse I decided to look up the meaning of this particular stone and I found something magical:

What I read stated that this stone allows one to open up and find the meaning and purpose of ones’ true self. It’s believed to enlighten the mind and inspire the mood, while helping learn to love oneself more. In turn helping to love others more as well. Whoa. If that wasn’t a great piece to wear and remind me of this journey and remind me to be true to my purpose I don’t know what is!  

As we came to the end of our amazing family getaway my heart had never been so certain that all is as it should be. I’m healed. I’m whole. I’m happy. It might have taken me some back and forth, some wading, some testing new waters once we returned home, but that’s what life is all about, right? It’s about finding balance and living out of love. I’m so grateful not only to have had the life changing experience of getting and BEATING cancer, but to continue to live life at such a high vibrational resonance. To help others experience love this way, and to cherish the rest of my life.

(*For the record: I will in fact have some tests or images run at some point – and I’ll let you know when that magic # appears, but for now – God let me know that I’m healed, and it’s a beautiful thing to live life Cancer Free.)