HA.
God
was like, “Remember when you told me you’d do anything for me. That this was MY
plan, and that you were going to say Yes to whatever it was I have in store for
you… Well, you did. And it’s all going to be okay. Trust me, but you’re in for
a bumpy ride!”
I
continue to learn more about myself than I ever knew there was to learn.
Recently,
I’ve been kind of a hermit. Things have been going really well, and I’ve been
taking time to give myself what I need and putting everything else down for a
moment. I’ve been on top of my nutrition. I have a well thought out rhythm to
my day that doesn’t feel stressful, but allows me to get all my self-love
therapies in, as well as exercise and become mindful in even the craziest of
moments. I don’t feel like I’ve got cancer. I feel like I’ve finally given
myself the type of love and devotion I’ve been craving for years. It feels so
good to let some things go, with no guilt or shame, and enjoy a cup of tea
while I listen to the rain, and watch my kids play and argue together. I love
each moment just the same. Or let my husband do the kid thing (in the crazy way
he does) and give myself time to unwind and get re-centered. It almost feels
wrong to tell people I’m healing from cancer, because I don’t appear or feel
like a sick person at all. So their facial expression often looks scared,
unsure of what to say, and unsure of how to react. I remind them, I’m ok. I am taking
care of my body the way it was intended, and I feel amazing as I’ve watched
this healing journey take place. One of the things I focused on was truly
having gratitude for as many things all day as I possibly can. I started with
journaling 3 things each day that I am grateful for… and it turned into
embracing gratitude in every moment of my day, for even the most challenging of
situations.
Back
to my Plan. My husband has always and forever been my support system. He has
never questioned me for my healing choices and has always taken the brunt of
most peoples’ questions. Recently he had a plan of his own which absolutely
devastated me. I am happier than I could have imagined with our family of five,
despite all the changes to the way life looks these days. But I have always
said if we have three kids, I want to have 4, because I don’t want anyone to
feel left out. I just always saw myself with 4 kids. The transition to having
three was pretty seamless in the beginning, and I never shut the door to more
kids, just thinking it would play out the way it was supposed to. Brandon
always said he wanted two children… and it took several months of convincing to
get Daws Baby approval. Eventually, I think I would have been ready to say “maybe
there is no Baby #4 in store for us,” but recently, and very abruptly, Brandon
had a gut feeling and a sense of urgency that NOW was the time to visit Dr.
Snip. Yep. He scheduled a vasectomy without telling me. Once he had told me it
was on the books, he had the procedure done, without my support. He was adamant
that it needed to happen now. He couldn’t explain just why. Despite my
disapproval with the situation he was still certain that a vasectomy needed to
happen. He even told me it was okay for me to be mad at him, bracing himself
for the emotions that were going to follow. He had an inner knowing that this
was his next right step…
I
was crushed. Every hope and dream I’d once had could no longer exist. My
thought of “when I’m better and this is all behind me I can return to my once
perfect plan” was gone. Even if I didn’t want another child, the chance and
opportunity to make that choice down the road was taken from me. I literally
cried so hard I wondered if I would ever stop. This was the end of an era… the end
of my childbearing years, which still seems surreal to me. You see, pregnancy,
birth, children – they make me feel whole. I love everything about the process
and the woman it turns you into. Part of me felt very betrayed. So many women
seem so nonchalant about their husband’s Snip... but I just couldn’t get past
it. I grieved the loss of that part of my life. I was angry at Brandon, angry
at cancer because had I not gotten sick he might not have chosen to take these
steps, and in a way I was devastated at the completeness of my family, even
though I was completely content with where we are. It didn’t feel fair that I
didn’t get to experience the choice of when our family began (as Harper was a
welcomed surprise) or ended (as Brandon made that choice before I was ready). It
was absolutely one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with on a personal
level. But you know what? I made it through.
I
allowed myself to feel the feels, accept my grief, love myself for the loss I had
experienced, and I came out on the other side – still alive. And still whole.
You see, whether he did it now, or waited until Dawson was a year old like I
had requested – I would still* need to process those feelings. No matter how
long I wanted to push those feelings off, I still owed it to myself to honor
those feelings and love myself through it.
Again:
Mind. Blown. I had no idea I was so capable of moving through such a challenge.
I had no idea if the tears would end or if my shattered plans would ever feel
settled again. Until I realized it’s not about me or my plans. It never was. I
have listened for the way God speaks to me, and become in tune with trusting in
the Lord. Never once did I expect the Lord to reach out to Brandon in a way
that would both hurt me so badly, but also lead me back to trust and faithfulness in
such a bold way. My plans have been thrown out the window, and I feel more free
than I ever have.
On
my walk yesterday, with every single step I said all of the things I am so
grateful for at this moment in my life. I couldn’t stop. I’m grateful for the three
beautiful healthy children I have. I’m grateful for a loving husband who
allowed me to express my anger and sadness in the way I needed to. I’m grateful
that I was able to experience severe sadness, anger, and let go of whatever
future plans my mind had conjured up – and love myself through that process. I’m
grateful that my husband gave me the opportunity to challenge myself in a way I
didn’t know I was ready for. I’m grateful that, while it was not my plan or my
choice, I can accept that it was never meant to be MY plan. I never expected to trust
God in this way. Often when I am quiet, and asking to feel God’s presence, I’m
looking for direction. Not once did I imagine that in those moments he was
speaking truth into the heart of the one person I hold closest. And that while
I might be challenged in a way I wasn’t sure I could come back from, it
actually drew me closer to my true essence. It drew me closer to God, and
ultimately, it drew me closer to my husband as well.
Healing
is not about being perfect. It’s not about eliminating negativity or never being
sad. It’s not about eternal positivity. It’s about recognizing your emotions
for what they are, and letting yourself experience them to their fullest. Once
you have, and that emotion has processed – it’s about loving yourself for
having endured hard times with or without much grace, and loving the future you
for knowing how truly capable you now are.
I
see now that I have spent so much time focusing on positivity, love, and thankfulness,
that I feared anger, sadness, and
resentment. The FEAR of anger, sadness, bitterness, and grief was something I
needed to embrace head on, and release with love. All of these feelings: joy,
contentment, gratitude, sadness, anger, - they are neither good, nor bad. They
are all an integral part of who I am, who we all are! It’s absurd to think in
order to heal you can never be mad, or you can never be upset. The key is that
once you experience the emotion for what it is, you do not stay stuck there.
You move through the emotion and past it. You love yourself for allowing the
Inner You to express your true essence, and become the love always were and
always will be. As a Mom of little people, loving yourself can often be a huge
challenge. There is a lot of room for judging yourself harshly, not feeling like
you’re doing a good enough job, and never quite feeling like you’ve got it
down. I used to be stuck here. I was the stuckest Mom ever, in this never
ending cycle of Mom Guilt that ate at me. I have a strong willed child and for
years I felt like I couldn’t connect with other moms because “I couldn’t do the
gentle parenting thing right.” I was so hard on myself if I got frustrated, and
often thought very little of myself even for valiant efforts in the parenting
ring. I stuffed those feelings of frustration, sadness and anger down, trying not
to acknowledge them, rather than expressing them. I know there are moms out
there who know what I’m talking about: Avoiding play dates because of fear of
judgement from other moms of how you handle the situation. Avoiding Mom’s Night
because it was easier to stay home than compare their Pinterest projects to my
hot mess express… I’m not saying this for sympathy or recognition – I’m saying
this because I know there are moms out there that feel the same way I used to.
This is not a place you have to stay, or should dwell in. This is a chance for
you to acknowledge the efforts you give, and the love you give your kiddos, and
then take a step back and say “Today is for me. Today I’m going to choose to
love me. First. I’m going to forgive myself for unattainable expectations, and
love the way I Mom, Today.”
I
realize now that part of why I love pregnancy so much is the love I give myself
during that time. I love my changing body and embrace my curves with abandon. I
take myself shopping to dress that beautiful glowing body in a way that makes
me feel radiant. I take time for myself to journal, walk, relax, and be still.
I say no to things because I don’t want my plate too full. I take time to spend
one on one with my husband, and time to be extra grateful knowing that our
lives are going to change in a matter of months. There is a greater trust I
have knowing that boy or girl, my heart is going to explode with more love than
I had before. I SEE why I love that part of my life, and why I was so crushed
when it came to an end. But my best friend pointed out a great truth: The love
I give myself during pregnancy doesn’t have to end once the baby is born. And
it doesn’t have to end now. I do all of those things and more these days – and my
cup has never felt more full. What have you done today, to fill your cup? What
have you done that makes you feel alive? Whether you are pregnant, postpartum,
or trying your hardest to conceive that baby you know is waiting for you – I encourage
you to have grace for yourself today. Feel all the feels. Be still. And give
yourself love.
