Shark Bite

So here’s the thing. In the last 14 months I’ve done my best to look at where I am and embrace the beauty in all lessons learned. I’ve experienced all that I can in acceptance, love, and gratitude for this unexpected journey. As hard as it has been, at the end of the day I have graciously thanked the God of my understanding for every ounce of what I’ve experienced because it has shifted WHO I am as a being. I have learned to not only accept help, but to ask for it. I have learned not only to love myself, but to accept the love that others have for me. I have seen a strength within myself that I never, in my wildest dreams, knew was possible. I’ve had the courage to take myself to my farthest limits physically, emotionally, and not quite yet spiritually. I’ve embraced myself for who I am in my best and worst moments – but something I have not shared with many people is the suffering and pain that has come along with these beautiful experiences. Without darkness there would be no light. Without the difficulty of the challenge of climbing that mountain, I would not see the view from the top. But let me tell you, the difficult times, the pain, and the emotional and physical lows I’ve endured have brought me to the brink. It’s shown me what I can handle, and then some. It’s allowed me to look death in the eye, and embrace it for when it comes – because one day it will be there for each of us with open loving arms. It’s been really hard for me to admit that I’ve been struggling. It’s mostly hard for me to admit this to my clients at work, the people who I show up for to serve. I’ve prided myself on coming to work with a heart to serve, and leave my personal baggage at the door. I’ve changed the amount of hours I work. I’ve changed the way that I practice in order to accommodate the physical limitations the pain has brought me. I’ve always brought the best of me that I had to offer, but came to realize that even that has not been fair. Not fair to me, not fair to my family for getting my exhausted and fatigued left overs. It’s not fair to my patients at the end of my shift who miss the sparkle in my eye that was there just the hour before. No, you see – I realized that in all of this I have a choice. I’ve made some pretty monumental choices in the last year. Some choices have made me feel like a super hero, and others have been super humbling. But this choice, this is a big one. The choice to ask for help in a way I never thought I’d be willing to ask. At the end of the day, I realized that my physical body has done literally everything I’ve asked of it. I had so much faith in my body’s ability to heal, that once it did – I had to come to a point of acceptance. My blood work and numbers were perfect, showing that my body is healing. It was healthy and stable. I got myself to a point where I was as healthy as I could possibly be (eating well, spending time connecting, honoring my limits, intentional movement) but I was still plagued with pain. All this is to say that I had a period of time where I was searching for more answers, looking for something that would change my perception of pain. I did energy work, mindset work, holistic remedies, cannabinoid therapy, OTC remedies, breath work, all my tricks that I’d tried in the past, lit.er.a.lly. EVERYTHING I could, to try and move beyond the pain so I could enjoy the experience of health. The only thing I hadn’t done was accept the calling my soul had been asking, and choose surgery as an option for my healing journey.

Damnit. I never wanted surgery. Not from day 1 to day 399 when I finally asked to meet with the surgeon. It wasn’t ever a part of MY plan. That should have been my first clue, huh? Haha… whenever I have deemed MY plan the best route to go, it seems to turn sideways and teach me a thing or two. But once I realized that my body had done everything I’d asked it to, I also gave myself a fair bit of grace and said ‘Well done good and faithful servant!’ I looked at my choices.  You can ask to have the scar tissue removed, take a break from your normal everyday life, and CHOOSE to move forward with the rest of your life: cancer free and pain free.

I know this sounds like a REAL easy choice. Duh. Just do the surgery! But for me it wasn’t easy at all. Leaving my practice, my business, the comfort of what I KNOW to enter into the unknown out of complete and utter FAITH that God has a bigger and grander plan for me… It took a hell of a lot of inner searching and succumbing to a choice that was not one I had originally set out to make. Listening to the voice of my inner self and hearing HER ask for something that my thinking brain was not originally willing to do brought me to tears daily. I had an internal battle of the wills. My inner stubborn teenager was bickering with my much wiser and older inner knowing – and then I remembered something my good friend Jessica Ryan told me, “Authentic strength lies in being open to ALL possibilities.” In order to BE my true and authentic self, and to live a life where I can shine my brightest and not be shadowed with an overcast of pain and misery, I then WANTED to be open to the possibility of surgery. The thought of surgery became one of a reprieve. It started to feel like the kindest thing I could imagine doing for myself. It became the next best way to give myself love... by letting go of a suffering that has been so familiar, and being open to the fearless unknown. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like you needed some help. Maybe like you’d been looking for guidance, and asking for answers. You sit down to meditate, and you think ‘I’m just going to open my heart, and free my mind. OKAY, just OPEN up, already. I’m just listening, waiting. I’m waiting for answers here.’ Then you pray real hard, maybe bargain a little, clearly ask for signals, answers, and guidance and all you get is… crickets. That was me for a good little while there. I kept thinking I’d lost myself. I kept thinking, where did my inner voice go – the one that was so good at letting me know what to do next? It wasn’t until I had completely let go of needing an answer that I experienced the magic of divinity all around me. Just shy of seeing a real unicorn, my experience today felt like I’d entered a new dimension and been blessed with the most brilliant sight one could imagine.

This morning on my moving meditation, I did not bring my phone. Not because I intentionally wanted to be disconnected from technology, but because there was only 2% battery left and it always makes me more anxious to have a phone that’s almost dead than no phone at all. It fared well, though, because I had no music to distract me, no social media to escape to – just pure presence and being.

I was walking along, with no particular intention in mind. Just kind of enjoying the early morning air. Then I started getting into my senses. I began experiencing each of my senses as though it was a gift meant for me in that moment. I like to call this moving meditation because I bring my awareness to what I am experiencing and try to embrace each sensation in its full capacity.

Sight: The beautiful sunrise, shining delicately through the leaves of the trees, but boldly across the side of the mountain. The stillness of the lake water, without any activity or action yet. I noticed the small nature animals scurrying about as I passed their home.

Sound: I began to listen to the distant bird calls, but it was a bit drowned out by the sound of the water gently moving against the shore.

Feeling: The sturdiness of the ground beneath my feet. With each step I felt as though I was wearing those mountain hiking shoes that clench you into the earth. Taking hold of my roots with each step, and feeling firmly planted within the soil. It didn’t feel heavy, as though I’d have a hard time lifting my feet, but very stable and steady. Feeling the gentle breeze across my face mixed with the warm sunlight. Feeling the sense of a new day before me.

Taste: I did not have a literal taste in my mouth, but I imagined being able to taste the freshness of a brand new unopened day. One without limits, one without expectation. I tasted a bit of freedom as I walked, and swallowed hard – imagining I could carry that freedom with me forever.

Smell: Nothing beats smelling the fresh open skies of nature, the trees, and the flowers. I am constantly smelling my surroundings. Before I enter my home or my office, I stop and take a big breath in. It always surprises me how intricate the smells are and how differently they present themselves.

Once I got through most of my physical senses I decided to play with this idea a bit. I thought, how about things I can create into my reality…

Smell: I closed my eyes and began to imagine the smells of my favorite home cooked meal, or the way my skin smells after I’ve been playing the sun. I thought of the smell of my little one’s freshly cleaned and slightly fluffy hair after it’s been air dried. Aaah, smells of perfection.

Taste: I can taste a new beginning on the horizon. With my eyes wide open I looked ahead as far as I could see and tasted victory as I crossed a finish line off in the invisible distance.

Feel: The sturdiness of the ground is hard to beat, but I went within, and felt the assuredness of my self-presence. I felt worthy of BEing and proud of the WHO that I am. Confidence and poise struck me as I walked that road in a way that no amount of self-affirmations or daily reminders could. Because I owned that feeling I created.

Sound: Now don’t get me wrong, I’d love to say I heard God’s voice in my head, telling me all of the secrets of the world. Telling me exactly what to do in upcoming situations – but that was not the case. Instead I heard the voice of myself. My inner voice was back. She let me know that when I was done throwing tantrums and feeling sorry for myself in choices that I had been making lately, she’d be there to love and support me just like always.

Sight: Do yourself a favor on this one. Try it out. When you close your eyes, what do you see? Darkness? Bright light? Light encompassing all colors of all things? Do you see flashing pictures or a movie real? Do you experience any amount of emotions with what you are seeing? Does what you see change as you breathe in fresh air? On this day, it was when I closed* my eyes that I began to SEE. I feel like THIS place is where many people try to get to when they ‘meditate’. The place where you see more when your eyes are closed than when they are open. I began to see with my mind’s eye the wonder that was all around me.

I was enjoying all of these sensations and had felt a sense of calm when I came to a clearing. I saw something I couldn’t even dream up on my own. The sun was coming up from across the other side of the lake, making a shining glittering bridge from one side of the lake to the other. I just stood there in awe of the way it sparkled. I was staring at the lake, completely mesmerized by the dancing shimmer. I’ll try to describe it, because at this point I was wishing I’d brought my phone to take a picture, which in all honesty would not have done it justice anyway. It was like an invitation of sorts. Watching the sparkles dance across the lake. There were shimmers of every single color from purple on one end to orange and yellow on the other. It swooned an aqua teal color before I closed my eyes and took it all in as a mental picture that I hope to hold forever in my mind. The feeling I kept getting as I watched the twinkle of every sparkle across the waves was “Follow Me. Come along.” It felt like the floating shimmer was a bridge, inviting me to a land beyond my wildest dreams. Not as if I wanted to cross the lake itself to the other realm, it was like an invitation to cross the bridge into experiencing a side of life that truly contained magic within. I breathed in the crisp air. I tried to take it all in as long as I could. I raised my arms above my head and stretched to the heavens realizing this was a direct invitation to experience life the way our creator intended. As I began to walk back, I breathed in gratitude for what I had experienced. I was overjoyed with the calm in my body and the intense excitement I had for the life that I was about to live for the rest of my day. As I walked back down the same road I’d just come down things looked different. First I saw a pink light lining the right side of the street. It was not light from the sun, because that light shone white and cast dark shadows from the trees. It was a literal pink light that was lighting the path before me… soon it turned into a green light. I stopped and examined the road thinking it might be stained green/moss. No, it was a green light that also shone on my hand as I touched the ground. I followed the lights, just reminiscing about the experience I’d had with the bridge. Then I noticed everything felt larger than life, and more immensely beautiful. I saw the *biggest pine cone I had ever seen. It seemed perfectly round without any broken tines. I saw the biggest* dandelion fluff ball – as big as a tennis ball. I was literally in awe of the things I was seeing on the side of the road. While I was taking in the beauty around me, the joy on my face was unmistakable. I heard something on the other side of the road, and I noticed a deer walking. I didn’t stop, I kept walking my path. The deer crossed the street, and to my surprise came extremely close to me. It stopped, and we talked. I said ‘You are beautiful! Thank you, for your majestic beauty. You are love.’ I was about 5 feet away from the deer at this time, and while it stood there listening to what I said I felt like I could have walked right up to it if I’d wanted to. I wished it a good day, and carried on. Have you ever had a conversation with a deer, looking it in the eyes, so close you could actually reach out and touch it if you dared? Yeah, me either, until today. Now I felt like I was on a high. The light I’d been following had faded, but the light inside me shone brighter than ever. I just kept walking. No questions, no answers – just pure connection to the divine spirit within, and embracing it in nature all around me. Just before I returned to my starting place, where. I knew I’d find commotion of three kids and a fun filled busy day of vacation ahead of us, I looked up. I saw a single bird flying straight ahead. Confidently soaring, begging “Follow me. Come along.” And I knew as I followed freedom would be redeemed. One reason this was so incredible is that as I allowed my essence to experience this magic my mind and body had a pattern interrupt. For a brief moment in time I was so overjoyed with LIFE that the pain of my current existence did not matter. I hold these moments so close to me – I cherish them and try to go back in my mind’s eye to relive it over and over throughout my day. If I’m able to escape my current reality even for just a moment here and there, to experience joy in a pain free state I go to that place.

My goal in the next week before my life changes (hopefully forever) is to be open enough to see the magic when I am in the midst of the chaos of my daily life. When I’m with my kids, when it’s noisy, and when I normally feel overwhelmed by the day to day stuff – to experience life the way our creator intended, even if just in small bits. I know that the pain I am in is intensifying for a reason. I get bits of rest, moments of clarity. Small amounts of decrease in suffering… but I know that this entire experience is a culmination of happenings needed to embrace a larger understanding and bring me to the next higher version of myself. In that, I can accept where I’m at and see the blessings in the pain. But I’m definitely counting down the days, and more grateful for the doctors who are helping me than I ever was before.

So here goes. In one week, I will be graciously and whole heartedly receiving a mastectomy. My nickname for the past 10 years has been Python… but my Nanny and I have jokingly re-named my Sexy-30’s-Something-Self as Shark Bite. I think it suits me well.

((*Side note: so many things happened between April-July. I never got a chance to fill you all in via my blog… but now that you know I’ll be home with some time on my hands, I’ll work on filling you in with the fabulous details of all that is amazing from past to future. Because I assure you, it’s been one helluva ride!*))