Dr. Snip

I’m a planner. I’ve always had a tidy little planner with boxes and highlights, different color coded memos, running To Do Lists, and sparkly stickers for the days I work out. It’s just WHO I am – and I rather like it that way. None of this was in my plan. My 2017 was supposed to look like: New pretty office space, VBAC like a boss, Love on my baby until it’s time to save some more lives, Start up BIRTHFIT and grow the mom-bond in my community, Enjoy my family all whilst gradually planning when I’d convince my husband that it was all so much fun we should probably have baby #4 and start the whole damn thing over again. The Elise that I know just loves creating a plan, and watching it play out like a well-orchestrated masterpiece. Until – Cancer.

HA.

God was like, “Remember when you told me you’d do anything for me. That this was MY plan, and that you were going to say Yes to whatever it was I have in store for you… Well, you did. And it’s all going to be okay. Trust me, but you’re in for a bumpy ride!”  

I continue to learn more about myself than I ever knew there was to learn.

Recently, I’ve been kind of a hermit. Things have been going really well, and I’ve been taking time to give myself what I need and putting everything else down for a moment. I’ve been on top of my nutrition. I have a well thought out rhythm to my day that doesn’t feel stressful, but allows me to get all my self-love therapies in, as well as exercise and become mindful in even the craziest of moments. I don’t feel like I’ve got cancer. I feel like I’ve finally given myself the type of love and devotion I’ve been craving for years. It feels so good to let some things go, with no guilt or shame, and enjoy a cup of tea while I listen to the rain, and watch my kids play and argue together. I love each moment just the same. Or let my husband do the kid thing (in the crazy way he does) and give myself time to unwind and get re-centered. It almost feels wrong to tell people I’m healing from cancer, because I don’t appear or feel like a sick person at all. So their facial expression often looks scared, unsure of what to say, and unsure of how to react. I remind them, I’m ok. I am taking care of my body the way it was intended, and I feel amazing as I’ve watched this healing journey take place. One of the things I focused on was truly having gratitude for as many things all day as I possibly can. I started with journaling 3 things each day that I am grateful for… and it turned into embracing gratitude in every moment of my day, for even the most challenging of situations.

Back to my Plan. My husband has always and forever been my support system. He has never questioned me for my healing choices and has always taken the brunt of most peoples’ questions. Recently he had a plan of his own which absolutely devastated me. I am happier than I could have imagined with our family of five, despite all the changes to the way life looks these days. But I have always said if we have three kids, I want to have 4, because I don’t want anyone to feel left out. I just always saw myself with 4 kids. The transition to having three was pretty seamless in the beginning, and I never shut the door to more kids, just thinking it would play out the way it was supposed to. Brandon always said he wanted two children… and it took several months of convincing to get Daws Baby approval. Eventually, I think I would have been ready to say “maybe there is no Baby #4 in store for us,” but recently, and very abruptly, Brandon had a gut feeling and a sense of urgency that NOW was the time to visit Dr. Snip. Yep. He scheduled a vasectomy without telling me. Once he had told me it was on the books, he had the procedure done, without my support. He was adamant that it needed to happen now. He couldn’t explain just why. Despite my disapproval with the situation he was still certain that a vasectomy needed to happen. He even told me it was okay for me to be mad at him, bracing himself for the emotions that were going to follow. He had an inner knowing that this was his next right step…

I was crushed. Every hope and dream I’d once had could no longer exist. My thought of “when I’m better and this is all behind me I can return to my once perfect plan” was gone. Even if I didn’t want another child, the chance and opportunity to make that choice down the road was taken from me. I literally cried so hard I wondered if I would ever stop. This was the end of an era… the end of my childbearing years, which still seems surreal to me. You see, pregnancy, birth, children – they make me feel whole. I love everything about the process and the woman it turns you into. Part of me felt very betrayed. So many women seem so nonchalant about their husband’s Snip... but I just couldn’t get past it. I grieved the loss of that part of my life. I was angry at Brandon, angry at cancer because had I not gotten sick he might not have chosen to take these steps, and in a way I was devastated at the completeness of my family, even though I was completely content with where we are. It didn’t feel fair that I didn’t get to experience the choice of when our family began (as Harper was a welcomed surprise) or ended (as Brandon made that choice before I was ready). It was absolutely one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with on a personal level. But you know what? I made it through.

I allowed myself to feel the feels, accept my grief, love myself for the loss I had experienced, and I came out on the other side – still alive. And still whole. You see, whether he did it now, or waited until Dawson was a year old like I had requested – I would still* need to process those feelings. No matter how long I wanted to push those feelings off, I still owed it to myself to honor those feelings and love myself through it.

Again: Mind. Blown. I had no idea I was so capable of moving through such a challenge. I had no idea if the tears would end or if my shattered plans would ever feel settled again. Until I realized it’s not about me or my plans. It never was. I have listened for the way God speaks to me, and become in tune with trusting in the Lord. Never once did I expect the Lord to reach out to Brandon in a way that would both hurt me so badly, but also lead me back to trust and faithfulness in such a bold way. My plans have been thrown out the window, and I feel more free than I ever have.

On my walk yesterday, with every single step I said all of the things I am so grateful for at this moment in my life. I couldn’t stop. I’m grateful for the three beautiful healthy children I have. I’m grateful for a loving husband who allowed me to express my anger and sadness in the way I needed to. I’m grateful that I was able to experience severe sadness, anger, and let go of whatever future plans my mind had conjured up – and love myself through that process. I’m grateful that my husband gave me the opportunity to challenge myself in a way I didn’t know I was ready for. I’m grateful that, while it was not my plan or my choice, I can accept that it was never meant to be MY plan. I never expected to trust God in this way. Often when I am quiet, and asking to feel God’s presence, I’m looking for direction. Not once did I imagine that in those moments he was speaking truth into the heart of the one person I hold closest. And that while I might be challenged in a way I wasn’t sure I could come back from, it actually drew me closer to my true essence. It drew me closer to God, and ultimately, it drew me closer to my husband as well.

Healing is not about being perfect. It’s not about eliminating negativity or never being sad. It’s not about eternal positivity. It’s about recognizing your emotions for what they are, and letting yourself experience them to their fullest. Once you have, and that emotion has processed – it’s about loving yourself for having endured hard times with or without much grace, and loving the future you for knowing how truly capable you now are.

I see now that I have spent so much time focusing on positivity, love, and thankfulness, that I feared anger, sadness, and resentment. The FEAR of anger, sadness, bitterness, and grief was something I needed to embrace head on, and release with love. All of these feelings: joy, contentment, gratitude, sadness, anger, - they are neither good, nor bad. They are all an integral part of who I am, who we all are! It’s absurd to think in order to heal you can never be mad, or you can never be upset. The key is that once you experience the emotion for what it is, you do not stay stuck there. You move through the emotion and past it. You love yourself for allowing the Inner You to express your true essence, and become the love always were and always will be. As a Mom of little people, loving yourself can often be a huge challenge. There is a lot of room for judging yourself harshly, not feeling like you’re doing a good enough job, and never quite feeling like you’ve got it down. I used to be stuck here. I was the stuckest Mom ever, in this never ending cycle of Mom Guilt that ate at me. I have a strong willed child and for years I felt like I couldn’t connect with other moms because “I couldn’t do the gentle parenting thing right.” I was so hard on myself if I got frustrated, and often thought very little of myself even for valiant efforts in the parenting ring. I stuffed those feelings of frustration, sadness and anger down, trying not to acknowledge them, rather than expressing them. I know there are moms out there who know what I’m talking about: Avoiding play dates because of fear of judgement from other moms of how you handle the situation. Avoiding Mom’s Night because it was easier to stay home than compare their Pinterest projects to my hot mess express… I’m not saying this for sympathy or recognition – I’m saying this because I know there are moms out there that feel the same way I used to. This is not a place you have to stay, or should dwell in. This is a chance for you to acknowledge the efforts you give, and the love you give your kiddos, and then take a step back and say “Today is for me. Today I’m going to choose to love me. First. I’m going to forgive myself for unattainable expectations, and love the way I Mom, Today.”  

I realize now that part of why I love pregnancy so much is the love I give myself during that time. I love my changing body and embrace my curves with abandon. I take myself shopping to dress that beautiful glowing body in a way that makes me feel radiant. I take time for myself to journal, walk, relax, and be still. I say no to things because I don’t want my plate too full. I take time to spend one on one with my husband, and time to be extra grateful knowing that our lives are going to change in a matter of months. There is a greater trust I have knowing that boy or girl, my heart is going to explode with more love than I had before. I SEE why I love that part of my life, and why I was so crushed when it came to an end. But my best friend pointed out a great truth: The love I give myself during pregnancy doesn’t have to end once the baby is born. And it doesn’t have to end now. I do all of those things and more these days – and my cup has never felt more full. What have you done today, to fill your cup? What have you done that makes you feel alive? Whether you are pregnant, postpartum, or trying your hardest to conceive that baby you know is waiting for you – I encourage you to have grace for yourself today. Feel all the feels. Be still. And give yourself love.

The Reality of Real Life

I’ve been told that I’m brave, that I’m forging a new course, that I am doing the unthinkable. Most of my days make me feel pretty empowered and inspired – but then there also comes the reality of real life that sets in at some point during each and every single day. One of the biggest lessons I’m learning through this process is that I, just like the rest of my life, am a work in progress. In these last few months I’ve had many ups and downs, and I’m sure there are many more to come. I’ve shared a couple of stories so far about a pivotal moment or two in this journey, because realizing huge concepts (like how my emotional state affects my physical state, or how I am capable of far greater things than I ever gave myself credit for) are what continue to shape me in this process. Just because I realize something so powerful does not mean the practical application comes easily. Quite the opposite, actually. I’ve grown thankful for the ups, but more so for the downs because of what I continually learn about myself. The concept of liminal space was introduced to me last week. It’s the transitional part of a story: after the major conflict arises, but before the final resolution. It’s described as the part of the story where the main character encounters the most personal growth and ultimately leads up to a great resolve. In the heat of despair, it is not easy for me to appreciate the downs, but knowing that this liminal transition in my life is leading me to a great resolve makes me appreciate the process.

Every single day I wake up, there’s work to do. From sun up to sun down my mind not only focuses on being a mother, a wife, a doctor, it focuses every second on taking care of the Me. It focuses on what I am doing in this very moment to help shift my body towards health and wellness. Not many people know what goes into a day in the life of this shift. At any given moment there are 46 things I can be doing on my list of healing and getting well. I could have every minute of every day planned for all of the things I need to DO. But every single day I choose to put myself first and simply Be.

I had to change my perspective. One can get lost in all of the daily tasks. It can become overwhelming whether you are trying to get yourself well, or simply keep up with life’s demands. I invite you to look at the endless list of life’s tasks a bit differently.  I realize I’ve painted a picture of love and grace that might only feel attainable in a serene, quiet, magical space. The real magic is attaining this balance in the middle of spilled oatmeal, getting ready for school chaos, poopy diapers, and bickering kids. For the first time ever I am not paralyzed by the un-done. In fact, it’s kind of liberating to look at my un-completed To-Do-List as an endless list of options if I so choose to get something done. It’s freeing to take in a deep breath, and fully exhale with no stress over what needs to get finished. This is made especially easy when you come to find that your kids have deleted the “Notes” app on your phone which used to hold 115+ random tid bits and To-Do-Lists you’d once kept track of. At first I panicked! “How will I remember lists, numbers, all of the things!?” Then I took a deep breath and was filled with gratitude. It was almost a weight lifted off my shoulders to magically have years of Lists – gone. No expectations of myself, no tasks I will ‘get around to someday’. Just me. Ready to show up for myself at this moment. I’ve learned to set limits for myself. I’ve learned to say no, and set boundaries so I don’t get over-stressed. The truth is, cancer or no cancer, that’s no easy task for anyone! Showing up for yourself and giving yourself the love and attention you deserve is a priority, not a privilege.

When my kids are screaming in my face because someone took the other one’s underwear and the first one ate the other one’s last bite – I pause. I know you know what I’m talking about… the Mom Stress of the day to day real life stuff. I deal with all of that too!! But the good news is – navigating those tumultuous waters doesn’t have to look pretty, and often never does. I used to get caught up in the work. Caught up in needing to get it right, needing to have my shit together. But guess what: NO ONE has their shit together. This creates a perceived stress that can be suffocating. Accepting your circumstances and being grateful for where you’re at as opposed to being anxious for what’s to come will literally change how you’re able to see everything in life.

A message was slipped to me the other day, at exactly the right time I needed to hear it. So I thought I would share: “Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galations 6:9 We are all set on a path, and there is hard work ahead of each of us, no matter what the journey is. But we are instructed to go forth, do hard work, and not to give up. This reminds me that each moment of every day is worth it. The hard work God has set before me NOW is worth every ounce of dedication for the amazing story he is continually unfolding in my life.

We’ve all got 24 hours. Yes, it takes a long time to juice. Yes, it takes a long time to prepare fresh whole food meals. Yes, is time consuming to be conscious of how I fit every bit of everything into my daily life. Sometimes people seem shocked and confused at my efforts, but when I look at how I choose to spend my 24 hours, it is the intentionality that counts. I am intentionally choosing to *live, and put forth that hard work now, so that my children will reap the reward of this effort. When you look at what you can do with each passing minute and how it evolves into a 24-hour time block, you see that it’s not about fitting it all in. It’s about maximizing each moment, and embracing all of the life you can live throughout all of your experiences – simply by BEing present in that moment. And most importantly, it’s about never giving up.

I am truly blessed beyond belief. I didn’t choose this life. This life chose me. There are definitely moments I get tripped up. There are moments I feel like there will never be enough time to get it all in, or get it right: that’s right about the time when my body shuts down. It’s this crucial time when things feel their hardest and I lose sight of my mission that I give myself grace, and I give my body rest. It’s not about always feeling 100%, or doing amazing – it’s about BEing true to myself, which also includes loving myself through agonizing detox migraines or sleeping my way through the uphill climb my body has with maximizing change. It’s about re-centering my thoughts and intentions. I know with each passing moment the effort is *Massive, and when the intentionality of those moments add up, you begin to see healing happen all day. Everyday.

I am blessed because if given the choice I would not have chosen this life – this struggle – this work. But because it has been placed before me, I have been given an incredible opportunity to seize every moment in love.

Breastfeeding with Breast Cancer

My little squish is 6 months old today! If you know me, I go all out on Half-Birthdays, and today there are so many reasons to celebrate this occasion. These past 6 months have flown by. This is such a milestone, for more reasons than one. Of course my son is sitting up, scooting backwards, and being squishably cute, but it’s a massive milestone because when I received my diagnosis I was still in the 4^th trimester after birth. I was still very raw with hormones fluctuating and milk flowing like crazy. My husband and I went through the motions. We met with all the doctors, and got all the recommendations. I was urged by each and every one of them to stop breastfeeding my son because of the treatments they were recommending. Coming from a mom who has nursed all of her babies past the age of 2, this was devastating. When my whole world came crashing down, terminating the breastfeeding relationship I had just begun sounded like the last thing my heart could take. I promised myself that I would look into every single option, and I promised my baby that no matter what I would take care of him.

I made it very clear from day one that if I find it necessary to stop breastfeeding in order to save my life, I will do this at a moment’s notice. After a lot of prayer and listening with an open heart, I decided that I would continue to nurse Dawson until it was time to stop. When would that be? I had no idea. But for right then it was fine and safe, and I would just feed him the best way I knew how until there was something telling me I shouldn’t. It was my goal to be able to nurse for at least 6 months. So here I am, breastfeeding with breast cancer. Ha! Try Googling that one – you won’t find many resources or DIY instructions on where to start. And no, I cannot pass breast cancer along to my son by feeding him this liquid gold. That’s a thing. People have asked.

There are a few other things I tried Googling with little to no feedback: What does it feel like to have cancer? Cancer is supposed to be silent. Hard, painless nodules that creep up on you until it gobbles you up. This was not at all what I experienced. At my worst, it was hard for me to admit feeling as terribly as I did. It was hard for me to give myself grace and time for healing because I didn’t realize how depleted my body actually was. Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling my body went through. It felt like every single cell in my body was slowly asphyxiated by sludge. It took a ridiculous amount of energy to get up and do the most minor tasks. Unloading the dishwasher required a 2-hour nap. My body had been hit by a truck, and I couldn’t pick myself back up. I couldn’t stand up or hold my baby for more than short bits at a time without a deep boring pain at the center of my joints and throbbing aches all over my body. If my hips could have exploded, I’m sure they would have. Wearing my baby was almost completely out of the question. I had this recurring writhing knotted feeling creep in through my uterus and ovaries that would literally bring me to my knees. The tumor site itself felt like a searing hot fire poker burning into the depths of my breast tissue. A constant reminder of my current state. My mind went blank. I quite literally lost my mind, and could not find it. I was unable to remember the simplest tasks. I used GPS for places I had been dozens of times to avoid missing turns and getting myself lost. Trying to put together a grocery list brought me to tears on multiple occasions. From a seemingly healthy looking person on the outside, I was dying on the inside. With 3 children under the age of 5, a business to run, and the weight of the world on my shoulders, my stress levels were uncontrollable. So I prayed.

When traversing through the healing process after a cancer diagnosis I found a vast emotional component at the root of it all. The more I held my feelings in the worse my body felt. The first time I saw this shift was at one of my life’s most favorite experiences, the BIRTHFIT Summit in California. I was surrounded by a huge group of amazing, powerhouse, inspirational women, but felt despairingly alone. For the few women there who knew what was going on, they offered endless support, but I had no idea what I needed or how anyone could help. All I knew was that I was physically present, but the pain I was in almost sent me packing. I remember texting my friend late one night saying “I just can’t seem to find myself. Can you pray for me?” I had no idea what I even meant by that at the time. She sent me some inspiring scripture, and I was able to fall asleep knowing someone else took care of the worry. The very first time I acknowledged that I was afraid was when I faced my fear head on. At the end of an intense day filled with inspiration and love Dr. Lindsey Mathews was wrapping up with a community circle time. She asked if anyone had anything they wanted to share, or if anything came up, as she had done with all the other end of evening routines. I didn’t feel courageous. I felt scared shitless. But I raised my hand. In front of 40-some women, I offered up my secret to reveal my vulnerability and fear. I will never forget the experience that happened after I cried big fat ugly tears into that microphone. I was a part of the most amazing embrace, the biggest group hug, filled with the most love and compassion anyone could imagine. I was surrounded by the same women as the night before, but instead of feeling alone, I felt unstoppable. These women are my tribe. They showed up for me during my first release of fear and helped me step out of my comfort zone. The physical changes I felt after that were astonishing. First: I cried. Non-stop. I just cried my eyeballs out for a good 12 hours straight. Hugs and tears. Then something miraculous happened: I slept for 8 hours straight (with a 4-month old baby, folks!) The next day I woke up with no pain. I was tired, but I wasn’t burdened with the physical pain of carrying that load by myself. From that experience, I have incorporated a daily practice of emotional and spiritual support, re-centering myself, and embodying gratitude at its deepest level.

Today. I feel amazing. I have never felt so alive. I’ve never felt so strong and able, so full of energy and vitality. Looking back, I have an immense amount of gratitude for how far I’ve come.  There have been so many things along the way that have fallen into place for my spirit and my physical body to work in harmony towards healing. As my friend Mel says, we truly are spiritual beings, navigating this physical realm. I found that once you give yourself permission to allow that essential part of you, the True You, to shine through, you unlock a certain magic, where anything is possible.

There it was. I had found myself. Once this happened, I literally started experiencing myself as an outward expression of God’s love for the first time. Not just sharing this love, but embodying it.  I’ve been a Christian my whole life, and many people know me as being ‘strong in my faith’ – but for the FIRST time, without any boundaries I FELT the warm embrace of absolutely unaltered, unconditional, forever-and-ever-times-a-million LOVE is. Whether you call it God, the universal existence, the creator almighty, or however you associate with a higher power – I felt it. I felt connected to myself and to the universe. I felt what it meant to be forgiven, and to forgive myself for being so damn mean to myself for so many years. I cried big fat *beautiful tears and let it all go. I’m going to have a separate post all together for this ‘mom guilt’ people reference. They talk about it almost as if it’s some rite of passage, and I’d like to put that one to bed. Because when you experience a love like this, and love yourself for every ounce of who you are, you know that you can breathe in, and let it all out. You are forgiven, you are loved, and there is nothing left to feel guilty for. Watching my life unfold and experiencing myself AS love is a true gift each and every single day. The potential for amazing things to happen is far beyond my comprehension. I literally fall in love all day. I am overfilled with gratitude for every moment of where I am at in life. Cooking dinner: I’m telling my carrots I love them, stirring my soup with passion, and thanking my meal for unequivocal nourishment that will help my body heal and function at its best. (Don’t be mistaken. My life is still super messy. My kids still scream in my face and drive me nutso. Life is not all rainbows and sunshine. But even with their crazy shenanigans I find myself extremely grateful.) Have you ever *felt life* so deeply you could literally taste the excitement and embrace all sensations at once, enough to embody your true self? This is healing. THIS is life. 

For the record, the only pain I currently experience is in my glutes because I have started rocking out those squats… like a boss. #bunsbaby! I am devoting every second of everyday to the Total Human Effort of taking care of this physical body out of love and not fear. It is a beautiful thing to watch the progression of healing before my own eyes. For those who have been with me when I promptly recall facts and don’t lose my train of thought mid-sentence: feel free to slide me a high five or join my dance party, because that is huge! My brain is coming back too!  So here I am, breastfeeding with breast cancer, and “I’m totally killing it at momming right now” as the owner of a local coffeeshop told me last week. If he only knew how much that meant to me to hear! This half-birthday celebration is quite the milestone for my sweet son and for me.

Spoiler Alert: #ImHealed

The first few weeks following my diagnosis were a blur. My life was twist turned upside down. I was constantly crying, unsure of what our future would hold. No one tells you how much time it takes to go to one appointment after the next, hear recommendations from doctors, spend time researching something you never cared to know anything about, and then do more research on how you actually want to move forward. Despite all of the outward effort I put forth trying to figure things out, I focused a great deal of energy on listening to my inner voice. There was a constant inner message I heard. Much like when I was preparing for the birth of my third child, I kept feeling the mantra “It can’t be bigger than me. It IS me.” I just couldn’t shake the thought that my body had just grown a baby, and it had also grown a tumor. I’m just really good at growing things, what can I say? ;) There is such a negative connotation with cancer and tumors. Everyone wants to jump on ‘the fight against cancer’ and ‘beating cancer’ and ‘getting rid of it’. But my intuition kept ringing true, that cancer itself was not the problem. It can’t BE bigger than me… because it IS me, and I knew that I got cancer for a reason. I knew there would be a purpose, but I had absolutely no idea what the heck the purpose was. In my mind I kept thinking, once this cancer thing is behind me I’m going to tell everyone all about it. I’ll say “remember that one time I had cancer…” after it’s all said and done. Those who know me also know I am not much of a fighter. My fight or flight response literally turns on and I engage in Hug Mode. It’s just not in my genes, the aggressive ‘beat cancer to a pulp’ idea. So, as unpopular as it might be, I decided to *love* this cancer right out of me. Yep, I decided to embrace the tumor and love the hell out of this cancer and every opportunity that comes with it. It doesn’t mean this has been an easy task, quite the opposite really. But I decided my change needed to come from the heart. It needed to come from love. This was less of a conscious decision, and more of a sensation I experienced along the way, which I’ll get into more later.

Little unknown fact: for years my husband has been trying to get me to write a blog. He has told me over and over how good I would be at it, and how many incredible things I have to share… He’ll be the first to tell you, each and every single time he brought it up I shut it down. My biggest fear was putting something out there that would be judged or perceived in a way I hadn’t intended. Let’s be real, I was terrified of people not liking what I had to say no matter how valid it was. You will see that along this journey releasing all fears has been a huge component of my healing. I’m not talking about facing your fears. I’m talking about embracing yourself and loving yourself enough that fear no longer exists. In a million years I never would have thought I’d be okay with writing a blog – let alone come to Brandon at 6AM and say, “I have to share my story with the world. Today.” So my first post was a brand new experience for me. Thrilling! You see, without the existence of fear – you become limitless.

A crucial point in my healing transformation was when I met the real true Elise for the first time. When I realized WHO I am for the first time in my 30-year existence – it changed everything. I found myself. I am love. Most people that know me see my outward expression of love for others often, but THIS love, this was a love for myself that I had found buried deep within. THIS love can move mountains. (SO much more on this topic for another post. It’s my favorite, I’ll share lots on love!)

I learned that each day is a new opportunity to let love shine through and influence my life in a new way. I learned that tiny changes over time make a BIG difference and your entire perception of reality can be completely altered in a matter of seconds. (Both with earth-shattering news of a devastating diagnosis, and even more so with a vision of God’s true love.) The healing power of the Lord is incredible – emotionally wiped clean. Physically started new. Looking back at the one request I made when I realized God might be setting me up to climb a mountain, when I basically said “I’ll do anything, but please don’t mess with my marriage!” There’s no way the heart change that has taken place could NOT affect our marriage. There are sayings about how diamonds are made from pressure and how metal is crafted by heat and force, and how water alone can chisel a beautiful canyon by persistent gentle movement. All of these are examples of how a true change of heart will change every single aspect of your life. With growth and change comes a point of challenge and sometimes frustration – but today and I am eternally grateful for the mountain God has set me on. I’m praising the Lord for the challenges my husband and I have had in our marriage. Challenge and change are NOT meant to be feared. They are meant for growth. Beautiful, miraculous, growth comes from leaving the confines of comfort and complacency. My heart is exploding with excitement for what is to come next. For watching my love expand and continuing to say Yes, each and every single day to the Lord’s truly amazing plan for this beautiful life he’s entrusted me with. I’ve got a message of love and I’m ready to share it.

Then it hit me. My last big fear: Exposing my story before I reached the safety of the removal of my diagnosis. Remember earlier when I said I’d wait until this was all behind me and then tell the world? But then I realized something pivotal. This IS my story – the truth. The journey. I’m being called to share it NOW so others can see the power of the process. The immensity of the journey and the hope in the daily walk.

After reading through every single response on facebook my heart was overflowing with gratitude for the amount of people who reached out to me. I am so thankful for your continued prayers and support during this time in my life. One thing struck me as I read through the posts. After seeing so many people apologize, I knew everyone was coming from a genuinely loving place, but I realized I needed to tell everyone “Please don’t be sorry! I’ve never felt so alive, and so well. I’m healed and my body is making miraculous changes!” Rejoice with me that I’ve found myself and have been gifted with courage and love from within.  

I hesitate to call myself Brave because I associate it with “acting brave” when I’m really feeling scared. I’ve always been able to harness my inner “Elle Woods” and act as brave and confident as I’ve needed to. But now. Now I don’t need to act brave at all because from the inside out – I am fiercely courageous. I have a confidence that resonates within every single cell of my body that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt just who I am. And I truly love the person I found. From my inner self I have a confidence and love no one could pretend to portray – and THAT is what heals and changes people. I don’t have a plan for this blog. Initially I just wanted to ‘share my story’. I work every day at BEING the person I am meant to be, and spend lots of time taking really good care of this innately genius physical body. Today’s post delved into where I’m at today… so from here – let’s take a step back in time and I’ll lead you down the windy road that brought me to this point.

Today is meant for fearless greatness from within. What amazing things are you allowing to take place in your life today?

The Day My Life Was Changed Forever

Three months. Three months have gone by since I received the best worst news of my life.


My life was what I considered perfect. Absolutely perfect. I was married to my best friend. My husband and I had two amazing daughters, Blakely age 2 and Harper age 4. We prepared for the craziness of adding a third baby into the family, and my husband and I both agreed that #3 was the easiest transition on our marriage and family so far. We were enjoying our kids, we were in lovvvve, and things seemed to be falling into place beautifully. We were at church one Sunday and I remember the pastor’s message vividly. It was about climbing a mountain with his father. He didn’t want to climb it, but with the support and love of his father he made it to the top. The climb was treacherous and difficult, but the view from the top with his father was so rewarding. I remember thinking “God, I don’t know what my ‘mountain’ will be, but I have a feeling something’s coming. Please don’t make my mountain be my relationship! We are in such a good place. Please Lord, keep me in a good place with Brandon.” Life carried on after that church service and I eventually got back into the swing of regular life. I run a pediatric chiropractic office, and I had just moved into a new larger office space to accommodate the incredible families I get to serve.  I came back to work part time seeing clients again as well as teaching a Postpartum BIRTHFIT rehab series. Life was rewarding. I felt like I had figured out the work/mom balance and I was at the top of my game. At one point I literally thought, “My life is complete. I am happy and feel whole.” Little did I know, my world would soon come crashing down around me with uncertainty and fear.  


On Easter Sunday, I was two weeks postpartum. After getting everyone in their Sunday best and going to church I went home and spiked a fever with aches and chills. It was endometritis, an infection in my uterus. This was bizarre, seeing as how I didn’t match any of the risk factors for this type of infection. I chose to take the strong antibiotics, because classically this is an infection you don’t mess around with. A week later I ended up with mastitis. Another infection? What the heck is going on? At this point I had been breastfeeding at least one of my children for almost the last 4 ½ years straight, and not once had I encountered mastitis. I did some homeopathic remedies and tried to take it ‘easy’. Everyone kept asking me if I was overdoing it, and telling me to rest more. I felt like I was doing what my body was capable of. I did have three young kids to keep up with, so lounging on the couch wasn’t usually an option. About 3-4 weeks went by and while the mastitis was gone, it felt like the milk duct on that side just hadn’t cleared out. I went back to my OB several times and saw the nurse as well. I kept saying “I just don’t know why I feel like crap!” I remember telling my husband “This just doesn’t feel like me. I just don’t feel right.” I’m typically super active and a go-getter. The baby is fantastic, and has always been a great sleeper, so I knew it wasn’t newborn sleepless nights getting to me. Eventually I went to my naturopath who also used to be a midwife for fifteen years. If anyone knows how to remedy mastitis, she does! She gave me all the tricks: castor oil packs, homeopathy, heat, vibration – we were going to clear that milk duct once and for all. After doing all the tricks the milk duct felt ten times worse, swollen, painful, and burning. I was certain it was an abscess and I’d just need to have that bad boy drained. I made an appointment for an ultrasound first thing the following week. To my dismay, I left the ultrasound appointment without getting any relief, and a one-way ticket back to their office for a needle biopsy of the solid mass they found obstructing my milk ducts. I was pretty certain that it was just a benign something or other and I’d be just fine. I mean, I was the healthiest person I knew. Over the last 7 years I had made more of an effort to care about my health and make conscious decisions than anyone I had met. We awaited the results.


At just 30 years old, with our 10-week old baby boy sitting on my lap, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Triple Negative Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Breast cancer. And not just your run of the mill, ‘remove that little blerb and you’re good’ kind of cancer. This was described to be the most aggressive and difficult to deal with type of cancer. Devastating is the understatement of a lifetime. My ‘oh-so-perfect life’ had just taken a turn, and for the first time I didn’t have a plan for that. There were lots of tears, lots of appointments with many different types of doctors, and lots of recommendations made. (I’ll fill you in on the details of the shenanigans of the first month in another post.)  



Despite the intensity of the situation, the severity of my diagnosis and the uncertainty this had brought my family, I knew there was a purpose. I knew that whatever mountain I was going to climb would have a purpose bigger than I was able to comprehend. Well, I’m blessed to announce, my purpose has started to unfold. I’ve chosen to tell my story here. Transparency and truth lead to big changes, and I’m choosing to say Yes to the path the Lord has lead me down. In just three months so many things have happened. So much has changed. So much healing has taken place. It used to be one of my biggest fears to write something down and have someone, anyone, let alone the entire world be able to read my thoughts. But here I go – fearlessly telling my story in hopes that someone, somewhere will see a glimmer of hope and recognize their true potential for living just as I have.  


*I'm so excited to share the details of this very personal journey with you! Thank you for coming along for the ride!*