There's Only One of Us Here, and It's YOU.

I’ve been thinking about this for literally months. How do people perceive “Self-Love” and “Me-Time”? I keep going back to the love that I have for myself, and where I’ve come from and what that really means. A couple of years ago, I had heard people talking about self-love, etc… and I’ll be honest: my interpretation was that they looked in the mirror and made themselves fall in love with their physical body and accept any imperfections. When people talked about ‘Me-Time’ I associated it with planning girl’s nights out, painting their toenails, and indulgent therapeutic shopping. I find myself getting frustrated with the fact that I preach the self-love message, but people don’t get it - well obviously. Did I get it before I got it? Nope… so my goal here is to explain myself in a completely transparent way. What do I mean by loving myself into being a new person? What do I mean by necessary intentional ‘Me-Time? When I explain that I’m in love with being me, or that it’s so important to take time for yourself it’s not about loving my physical self or doing anything for my physical body. It’s almost the exact opposite, and I feel like so often people assume that if they’re going to ‘take me time’ it needs to be in the form of a work out or doing something to enhance who they already are. Or worse yet, people assume they need to ‘work on themselves’ which makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. The message I have received loud and clear is the opposite of all of that. If we could stop working ON ourselves and learn to go with IN ourselves it becomes not only easy, but effortless to accept who it is we are in each moment. Then we get the chance to really get to explore WHO it is we truly are. It allows you to see literally every single thing from a new perspective. 

I love myself more today than I did a year ago, more than I did 6 months ago, more than I did even 3 months ago. I love that I’m now feeling as fantastic on the outside as I am on the inside and filled with zest and vigor, but it has absolutely nothing to do with my physical body. Nothing at all. I mean, I’ve gone through lots of different stages and ways to look: young me, pregnant me, postpartum me, fit me, flabby me, cancer me, healthy me… those are all great. I love them all equally in different ways, but this whole thing isn’t about the challenge of loving my physical person. I’m talking about something completely separate than your physical body. I'm talking about loving somebody who is there with or without that physical body, and getting to know THAT being. And knowing and understanding that whether I’m here today or tomorrow or if I die next week, the essence of WHO I am is who I love. I mean, yes, it would be sad for my children and family if I just keeled over and died, but I don’t need to be here to BE here. And it’s not about loving your physical-ness. It’s about loving your one-ness and seeing that we are all a facet of the same being. 

I was having a conversation with my best friend. At one point I would have considered us both workout queens, but in recent times we have both been physically restrained in this arena. There wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t put in the gym time. (Pre-kids, obviously.) How do you get rid of your stress? I work out. How do you feel good about your body? I work out. How do you study for exams? I work out. How do you get a break from your kids? I work out. Everything was based around that. It was a great release, and always made me feel like I was in control. It’s a known fact that working out is healthy and always provides better physiologic effects on the body as compared to not exercising… until it doesn’t. 

I will be very honest, I desperately miss me a REAL workout. I haven’t done a real fulfilling workout in over 2 years because… pregnancy, then postpartum, then cancer, then healing. This is my current work out: Walk. Walk. Maybe try a few squats. Walk some more. Feel ready to bump it up a bit, then realize my physical body was NOT having it. I was not in a place to bump anything up or I’d be laying in bed for days. I was starting to get pissed, because ‘a strong, fit woman who loves to work out’ used to be so much a part of who I identified with, and all the sudden it was just gone. Just like that it was no longer a part of who I was allowed to be, and I was mad that it had been so long since I’d done what I wanted to do, what I loved to do. ((Sounding familiar? I always seem to come back to my toddler-tantrum-self when I realize that maybe there is a bigger lesson that my consciousness intended this toddler human learn.)) 

Okaaay. So it’s not about the working out either. When I talked to my best friend about the similarities between our current struggles it all fell into place a bit. In our own ways we’ve both been challenged with physical, arguably debilitating, symptoms that happen when we engage in something that we both have identified with and love to our core. Duh. What’s the best way to get someone’s attention? Take something they love, that defines them and make them change it. Take it away from them. Make them HAVE to address what you want them to look at.  In different seasons of life I have gone in and out of checking in with myself. I have had seasons where I meditate daily, where I work out daily, where I quit drinking coffee, where I drink all the coffee, where I am too busy for important things, or make massive amounts of time for myself. What does all of this mean? I believe that time devoted to knowing the inner you, the higher you, the YOU that wants to be expressed and KNOWN here in this existence is essential. Every. Single. Day. Not just when you want to, make time to, remember to… it’s one of those things that doesn’t just turn your day around - it creates your day. So I said to my best friend, when was the last time you took time for you? And she told me all about how she’d finally been making time to get back to her work outs. But I thought - No, when was the last time you MET you? Because when I asked myself this very question - I had to be honest and say it’s been a long damn time since I made a point of doing this. I figured it couldn’t be coincidence that me and my best friend were experiencing this at the same time. The universe reminds me that we are never alone! ;) I asked her to consider that maybe our higher-selves, our awareness, our ALL that is, is trying to be like “HEY, you have been focusing so much: on symptoms, on the way you feel, on gaining control, on making time for your physical body, but what about Me? The only time you get to yourself your mind is still zooming, you’re scrolling, you’re pumping iron and THATS NOT WHAT I WANT. I want you. I want time with you I want YOU-Time, just like you keep asking for ME-time.” When you hear it like that, it seems that the work out in the gym is not at all what your higher self is asking for. 

(*NOT that working out is bad for you. Or that people can’t achieve clarity, receive messages, experience transcendence while working out - I think they can!! But in my position, I was getting frustrated that my physical body felt like it was failing me. Like what I had WANTED to do wasn’t what my inner Me was allowing me to do.*) It felt to me like the type of ‘me-time’ I was requesting was a mode of distraction, which I believe is true for most people. I was focusing on how to shape and change the physical me, while my essence was like, “HOLD UP.  You know who you are is more than your physical self. So why is it that the only alone time you get is designated to working on changing the physical vessel you reside in?” Maybe our higher selves are trying to flag us down by catching our attention with the thing that means so much to us - It’s all “Quit focusing on your body and your work out. Quit tricking yourself into thinking you’re pushing yourself towards health and wellness by pushing your body to an extreme. I’m going to give you some challenges that are really an opportunity for you to stop worrying about your physical body at the moment. I’m going to give you some weird ass symptoms that make you think you’re going to die. I’m going to allow in your awareness cancer, because you clearly have missed the boat on a few things. Maybe for somebody else, I’m going to give you raging knee pain or low back pain that says you thought you were going to work your physical self to the core. You thought you were going to take that physical being and punish it for the food that you ate. You thought you were going to be who you are because of your fitness. But I’m ready for you to listen to me.” Your higher self is now and forever will be communicating with you, but it is your choice to stop and listen. When I say ‘listen to your body’ it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘modify your work out so you can achieve it without feeling like you’re dying.’ When you have heartburn or nausea and people say ‘listen to your body’ it doesn’t mean google which supplement you need to take or look for a holistic remedy…. It means use the messages your body is sending you to check in with your higher self. Spend a little time with the YOU that matters. Spend some time in solitude and silence and ask in what way you can get to know I AM more. ((That means alone, all by yourself, in silence.)) Devote time every day to the ME that is exploring this universe. It’s the ME that’s looking at the bigger picture and contains insight that’s always been there, but the lost you has been too busy rushing through life, to see the answers. Stop. Your YOU time is not meant to be stuck in the physical world. Your you time is meant to be finding your soul, filling your spirit, meeting the divine that is within you, loving them, and then experiencing and sharing THAT you with the physical world we live in. Your energy is completely unending. Your energy always has been and always will BE. So take the moment you’re here in this physical body to explore what you can do with that energy. Explore what your energy came here to do. ‘Cause I promise you it is not here to get the work out in, get it all done, do the to do list, check the boxes, get through dinner, and pray you make it to bedtime so you can get up and do it all over again. That’s not why the physical you is here. 

Like I said, there is nothing wrong with a great ass-kicking work out, but I believe it should be two completely different bullet points on your To Do List. Me Time and Gym Time should fall under significant and separately identifiable services in order to get the most bang for your buck in the gym and in life. Let me explain. I know working out can be great for your physical body, but let’s get this straight: You don’t need to put in massive amounts of gym time to have an amazing ass. You can visualize that. I’ve done it. You can actually achieve having amazing 6-pack abs without a single ‘ab-exercise’ whatsoever, gasp! I know, sounds crazy, but I have seen it with my own eyes. Visualization. Loving what is. Understanding and knowing that everything you aspire to be already is, what you believe to be true is already there, so it’s not necessarily about what you do TO your physical form. It’s about what the bigger you wants you to fricken understand. So imagine what could be achieved at the gym if first you’ve taken time to become clear on who you are and the divine purpose of your being. Imagine the incredible results you could attain if first you spend some serious time quietly drawing up the exact vision of what you intend to see after that work out? In the same token, imagine what every bite of food you take is doing to your body. If you’re feeling guilty about eating decadent cakes and thinking it will just pack on the pounds… guess what it’s going to do. Let’s look at how the way we think affects what we see.

I say this because I have been seriously limited in my physical abilities to achieve a work-out I would call difficult let alone fulfilling. I went from a once-physically fit person, who used to get a high from challenging myself with a full body sweat, to feeling trashed if I did anything more than walking for 10-15 minutes. Forget lifting anything other than my kids… and only the two little ones. If I lifted the 5 year old I’d end up on the couch in massive pain. I was actually scared of my 3 and 5 pound dumbbells because of the backlash they’d given me in the past. Rather than letting it depress me, giving up work outs all together, or succumbing to the extra 10 pounds that have been hanging out... I went back to my intention. I went back to meditating, connecting, every. single. day. I started seeing colors more vibrantly, enjoying my life more fully, embracing my children with more patience. I was excited to engage whole heartedly in my marriage, like we were first dating again. People started telling me I was glowing and that "I looked happy, and it looked good on me". I began walking around as the truest fullest version of me who was ready in anticipation every moment of every day - excited for what was to come next. And you know what I did for the first time in over 2 years? I ran. I moved my body so fast and so fluidly it felt like I was running on clouds. It was exhilarating. I breathed the deepest breaths while running and with every step I embraced my limitless being. I did this with no repercussion - no pain afterwards, no days spent in bed. The only thing I had after that experience was intense gratitude for the being I am and the physical form it chose to partake in. Now, that I see there was never a physical challenge to overcome, the movement stuff is just for fun. It’s like, what can I do next!? But first. I acknowledged the Who that I am and Its reason for being. 

My husband asked me what I meant by self-care and self-love. I told him it’s not at all about working on oneself. There is nothing to ‘work on’ when self-reflecting. To meet oneself for who you truly are, and begin expressing life from the perspective of the divine truth within you - that’s what loving yourself is. Yes, it takes time, and it does take intentional effort, but it is not working ON yourself. It’s accepting yourself, and agreeing to see the grandest version of yourself possible. I told him it’s taking time to come to a bigger awareness, a bigger understanding, a bigger moment than you experienced as the person you were before you sat down. I said it’s more than taking care of the physical self. It’s taking care of yourself on the soul level so that your physical being can experience this world the way it was meant to: 10-fold on the experiential factor with things being more expressive, more abundant, more vibrant. If we’d all just take a hot minute to stop running around and trying to get stuff done we might be able to figure out who we are and what we long to do. I explained to him that caring for ones (inner)self might look different to different people, but there are a couple of elements that are essential - TIME alone, and in seclusion. I usually do this in the form of meditation. You can call it what you want, but sitting in stillness and experiencing the present moment is the goal. You can’t get to know You if you’ve got friends yapping about drama, kids climbing on you, work on your desk top, or social media anywhere in sight. Explore being by yourself. The more uncomfortable you are with it, the more likely you need it. 

The second part is finding something that lights your soul on fire. Finding something that maybe you had no idea would give you this zippy amount of pizazz and energy. Find something where you can experience the FLOW. The flow of the universe, the divine nature of all that is - find something where you feel the electricity run through you and you know there is a connection because you FEEL it. It is quite literally the most amazing human experience my spirit has had because it allows me to see this world as it was meant to be seen. It allows me to be in the middle of experiences I could have otherwise had, and see beauty and laughter and cherish these moments instead of being in the middle of 14 different thoughts and trying to hold it all together. It allows me to charge my batteries in a way that when I am finished, I have more energy, not less. It fills my soul and makes me want to SHARE what I’ve got, and share more of myself. It does not deplete me, it gives me life. If this is how working-out makes you feel, then *great*! You have found one thing that lights your soul on fire… but I encourage you to meet yourself first, and secondly find a few more things that also give you this pizazz. What are some of these things for me: Walking and talking to myself. Writing. Dancing. Listening to music. Singing like I am Mariah Carey. Laughing my ass off. Using my imagination. Embracing nature. Sitting under the gazebo with the twinkle lights on and my journal in hand. Long baths listening to the clock tick. Smelling fresh air! Listening to a good soul-filled pod cast, or listening to the beauty in nothing at all. Discovering the magic of little bookshops with used books. Finding new shimmering lights and colors in places I would not have expected. 3 words: Dirty. Chai. Latte. There is just something about holding a little cuppa something hot and amazing that warms my soul from the inside out!

Have you taken the time to discover the WHO you came here to be? Have you intentionally asked yourself, who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose and how am I experiencing this lifetime? For me, life changed when I took time to understand what my higher self was asking for. Meeting myself where I needed to be. Accepting the beauty in where I was at. And then moving forward in such an amazing way I didn’t even know it was possible. 

Shark Bite

So here’s the thing. In the last 14 months I’ve done my best to look at where I am and embrace the beauty in all lessons learned. I’ve experienced all that I can in acceptance, love, and gratitude for this unexpected journey. As hard as it has been, at the end of the day I have graciously thanked the God of my understanding for every ounce of what I’ve experienced because it has shifted WHO I am as a being. I have learned to not only accept help, but to ask for it. I have learned not only to love myself, but to accept the love that others have for me. I have seen a strength within myself that I never, in my wildest dreams, knew was possible. I’ve had the courage to take myself to my farthest limits physically, emotionally, and not quite yet spiritually. I’ve embraced myself for who I am in my best and worst moments – but something I have not shared with many people is the suffering and pain that has come along with these beautiful experiences. Without darkness there would be no light. Without the difficulty of the challenge of climbing that mountain, I would not see the view from the top. But let me tell you, the difficult times, the pain, and the emotional and physical lows I’ve endured have brought me to the brink. It’s shown me what I can handle, and then some. It’s allowed me to look death in the eye, and embrace it for when it comes – because one day it will be there for each of us with open loving arms. It’s been really hard for me to admit that I’ve been struggling. It’s mostly hard for me to admit this to my clients at work, the people who I show up for to serve. I’ve prided myself on coming to work with a heart to serve, and leave my personal baggage at the door. I’ve changed the amount of hours I work. I’ve changed the way that I practice in order to accommodate the physical limitations the pain has brought me. I’ve always brought the best of me that I had to offer, but came to realize that even that has not been fair. Not fair to me, not fair to my family for getting my exhausted and fatigued left overs. It’s not fair to my patients at the end of my shift who miss the sparkle in my eye that was there just the hour before. No, you see – I realized that in all of this I have a choice. I’ve made some pretty monumental choices in the last year. Some choices have made me feel like a super hero, and others have been super humbling. But this choice, this is a big one. The choice to ask for help in a way I never thought I’d be willing to ask. At the end of the day, I realized that my physical body has done literally everything I’ve asked of it. I had so much faith in my body’s ability to heal, that once it did – I had to come to a point of acceptance. My blood work and numbers were perfect, showing that my body is healing. It was healthy and stable. I got myself to a point where I was as healthy as I could possibly be (eating well, spending time connecting, honoring my limits, intentional movement) but I was still plagued with pain. All this is to say that I had a period of time where I was searching for more answers, looking for something that would change my perception of pain. I did energy work, mindset work, holistic remedies, cannabinoid therapy, OTC remedies, breath work, all my tricks that I’d tried in the past, lit.er.a.lly. EVERYTHING I could, to try and move beyond the pain so I could enjoy the experience of health. The only thing I hadn’t done was accept the calling my soul had been asking, and choose surgery as an option for my healing journey.

Damnit. I never wanted surgery. Not from day 1 to day 399 when I finally asked to meet with the surgeon. It wasn’t ever a part of MY plan. That should have been my first clue, huh? Haha… whenever I have deemed MY plan the best route to go, it seems to turn sideways and teach me a thing or two. But once I realized that my body had done everything I’d asked it to, I also gave myself a fair bit of grace and said ‘Well done good and faithful servant!’ I looked at my choices.  You can ask to have the scar tissue removed, take a break from your normal everyday life, and CHOOSE to move forward with the rest of your life: cancer free and pain free.

I know this sounds like a REAL easy choice. Duh. Just do the surgery! But for me it wasn’t easy at all. Leaving my practice, my business, the comfort of what I KNOW to enter into the unknown out of complete and utter FAITH that God has a bigger and grander plan for me… It took a hell of a lot of inner searching and succumbing to a choice that was not one I had originally set out to make. Listening to the voice of my inner self and hearing HER ask for something that my thinking brain was not originally willing to do brought me to tears daily. I had an internal battle of the wills. My inner stubborn teenager was bickering with my much wiser and older inner knowing – and then I remembered something my good friend Jessica Ryan told me, “Authentic strength lies in being open to ALL possibilities.” In order to BE my true and authentic self, and to live a life where I can shine my brightest and not be shadowed with an overcast of pain and misery, I then WANTED to be open to the possibility of surgery. The thought of surgery became one of a reprieve. It started to feel like the kindest thing I could imagine doing for myself. It became the next best way to give myself love... by letting go of a suffering that has been so familiar, and being open to the fearless unknown. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like you needed some help. Maybe like you’d been looking for guidance, and asking for answers. You sit down to meditate, and you think ‘I’m just going to open my heart, and free my mind. OKAY, just OPEN up, already. I’m just listening, waiting. I’m waiting for answers here.’ Then you pray real hard, maybe bargain a little, clearly ask for signals, answers, and guidance and all you get is… crickets. That was me for a good little while there. I kept thinking I’d lost myself. I kept thinking, where did my inner voice go – the one that was so good at letting me know what to do next? It wasn’t until I had completely let go of needing an answer that I experienced the magic of divinity all around me. Just shy of seeing a real unicorn, my experience today felt like I’d entered a new dimension and been blessed with the most brilliant sight one could imagine.

This morning on my moving meditation, I did not bring my phone. Not because I intentionally wanted to be disconnected from technology, but because there was only 2% battery left and it always makes me more anxious to have a phone that’s almost dead than no phone at all. It fared well, though, because I had no music to distract me, no social media to escape to – just pure presence and being.

I was walking along, with no particular intention in mind. Just kind of enjoying the early morning air. Then I started getting into my senses. I began experiencing each of my senses as though it was a gift meant for me in that moment. I like to call this moving meditation because I bring my awareness to what I am experiencing and try to embrace each sensation in its full capacity.

Sight: The beautiful sunrise, shining delicately through the leaves of the trees, but boldly across the side of the mountain. The stillness of the lake water, without any activity or action yet. I noticed the small nature animals scurrying about as I passed their home.

Sound: I began to listen to the distant bird calls, but it was a bit drowned out by the sound of the water gently moving against the shore.

Feeling: The sturdiness of the ground beneath my feet. With each step I felt as though I was wearing those mountain hiking shoes that clench you into the earth. Taking hold of my roots with each step, and feeling firmly planted within the soil. It didn’t feel heavy, as though I’d have a hard time lifting my feet, but very stable and steady. Feeling the gentle breeze across my face mixed with the warm sunlight. Feeling the sense of a new day before me.

Taste: I did not have a literal taste in my mouth, but I imagined being able to taste the freshness of a brand new unopened day. One without limits, one without expectation. I tasted a bit of freedom as I walked, and swallowed hard – imagining I could carry that freedom with me forever.

Smell: Nothing beats smelling the fresh open skies of nature, the trees, and the flowers. I am constantly smelling my surroundings. Before I enter my home or my office, I stop and take a big breath in. It always surprises me how intricate the smells are and how differently they present themselves.

Once I got through most of my physical senses I decided to play with this idea a bit. I thought, how about things I can create into my reality…

Smell: I closed my eyes and began to imagine the smells of my favorite home cooked meal, or the way my skin smells after I’ve been playing the sun. I thought of the smell of my little one’s freshly cleaned and slightly fluffy hair after it’s been air dried. Aaah, smells of perfection.

Taste: I can taste a new beginning on the horizon. With my eyes wide open I looked ahead as far as I could see and tasted victory as I crossed a finish line off in the invisible distance.

Feel: The sturdiness of the ground is hard to beat, but I went within, and felt the assuredness of my self-presence. I felt worthy of BEing and proud of the WHO that I am. Confidence and poise struck me as I walked that road in a way that no amount of self-affirmations or daily reminders could. Because I owned that feeling I created.

Sound: Now don’t get me wrong, I’d love to say I heard God’s voice in my head, telling me all of the secrets of the world. Telling me exactly what to do in upcoming situations – but that was not the case. Instead I heard the voice of myself. My inner voice was back. She let me know that when I was done throwing tantrums and feeling sorry for myself in choices that I had been making lately, she’d be there to love and support me just like always.

Sight: Do yourself a favor on this one. Try it out. When you close your eyes, what do you see? Darkness? Bright light? Light encompassing all colors of all things? Do you see flashing pictures or a movie real? Do you experience any amount of emotions with what you are seeing? Does what you see change as you breathe in fresh air? On this day, it was when I closed* my eyes that I began to SEE. I feel like THIS place is where many people try to get to when they ‘meditate’. The place where you see more when your eyes are closed than when they are open. I began to see with my mind’s eye the wonder that was all around me.

I was enjoying all of these sensations and had felt a sense of calm when I came to a clearing. I saw something I couldn’t even dream up on my own. The sun was coming up from across the other side of the lake, making a shining glittering bridge from one side of the lake to the other. I just stood there in awe of the way it sparkled. I was staring at the lake, completely mesmerized by the dancing shimmer. I’ll try to describe it, because at this point I was wishing I’d brought my phone to take a picture, which in all honesty would not have done it justice anyway. It was like an invitation of sorts. Watching the sparkles dance across the lake. There were shimmers of every single color from purple on one end to orange and yellow on the other. It swooned an aqua teal color before I closed my eyes and took it all in as a mental picture that I hope to hold forever in my mind. The feeling I kept getting as I watched the twinkle of every sparkle across the waves was “Follow Me. Come along.” It felt like the floating shimmer was a bridge, inviting me to a land beyond my wildest dreams. Not as if I wanted to cross the lake itself to the other realm, it was like an invitation to cross the bridge into experiencing a side of life that truly contained magic within. I breathed in the crisp air. I tried to take it all in as long as I could. I raised my arms above my head and stretched to the heavens realizing this was a direct invitation to experience life the way our creator intended. As I began to walk back, I breathed in gratitude for what I had experienced. I was overjoyed with the calm in my body and the intense excitement I had for the life that I was about to live for the rest of my day. As I walked back down the same road I’d just come down things looked different. First I saw a pink light lining the right side of the street. It was not light from the sun, because that light shone white and cast dark shadows from the trees. It was a literal pink light that was lighting the path before me… soon it turned into a green light. I stopped and examined the road thinking it might be stained green/moss. No, it was a green light that also shone on my hand as I touched the ground. I followed the lights, just reminiscing about the experience I’d had with the bridge. Then I noticed everything felt larger than life, and more immensely beautiful. I saw the *biggest pine cone I had ever seen. It seemed perfectly round without any broken tines. I saw the biggest* dandelion fluff ball – as big as a tennis ball. I was literally in awe of the things I was seeing on the side of the road. While I was taking in the beauty around me, the joy on my face was unmistakable. I heard something on the other side of the road, and I noticed a deer walking. I didn’t stop, I kept walking my path. The deer crossed the street, and to my surprise came extremely close to me. It stopped, and we talked. I said ‘You are beautiful! Thank you, for your majestic beauty. You are love.’ I was about 5 feet away from the deer at this time, and while it stood there listening to what I said I felt like I could have walked right up to it if I’d wanted to. I wished it a good day, and carried on. Have you ever had a conversation with a deer, looking it in the eyes, so close you could actually reach out and touch it if you dared? Yeah, me either, until today. Now I felt like I was on a high. The light I’d been following had faded, but the light inside me shone brighter than ever. I just kept walking. No questions, no answers – just pure connection to the divine spirit within, and embracing it in nature all around me. Just before I returned to my starting place, where. I knew I’d find commotion of three kids and a fun filled busy day of vacation ahead of us, I looked up. I saw a single bird flying straight ahead. Confidently soaring, begging “Follow me. Come along.” And I knew as I followed freedom would be redeemed. One reason this was so incredible is that as I allowed my essence to experience this magic my mind and body had a pattern interrupt. For a brief moment in time I was so overjoyed with LIFE that the pain of my current existence did not matter. I hold these moments so close to me – I cherish them and try to go back in my mind’s eye to relive it over and over throughout my day. If I’m able to escape my current reality even for just a moment here and there, to experience joy in a pain free state I go to that place.

My goal in the next week before my life changes (hopefully forever) is to be open enough to see the magic when I am in the midst of the chaos of my daily life. When I’m with my kids, when it’s noisy, and when I normally feel overwhelmed by the day to day stuff – to experience life the way our creator intended, even if just in small bits. I know that the pain I am in is intensifying for a reason. I get bits of rest, moments of clarity. Small amounts of decrease in suffering… but I know that this entire experience is a culmination of happenings needed to embrace a larger understanding and bring me to the next higher version of myself. In that, I can accept where I’m at and see the blessings in the pain. But I’m definitely counting down the days, and more grateful for the doctors who are helping me than I ever was before.

So here goes. In one week, I will be graciously and whole heartedly receiving a mastectomy. My nickname for the past 10 years has been Python… but my Nanny and I have jokingly re-named my Sexy-30’s-Something-Self as Shark Bite. I think it suits me well.

((*Side note: so many things happened between April-July. I never got a chance to fill you all in via my blog… but now that you know I’ll be home with some time on my hands, I’ll work on filling you in with the fabulous details of all that is amazing from past to future. Because I assure you, it’s been one helluva ride!*))

Trusting Me

Well, when we left off last I promised I’d eventually get some more blood work or images taken. So much has happened in the last few months, let me take you through a bit of the chaos, into the storm, and through the magic of it all.

Along this journey and through my writings I have never once written with the intention of anyone else actually reading it. I’ve never considered my audience or altered my thoughts because I was worried about what someone might feel when they read it. I’ve written my emotions and my experiences just as they are, because it feels right to me. For the first time I’m writing I realize that what you are about to read might ruffle some feathers. Sometimes I get a caught up in the magic of what I’ve experienced I forget not everyone has connected with the same innate power I have, though it does in fact live within every single person here on earth. Someone recently said to me “That’s great if it’s working for you... but I just can’t see how that’s possible.” I like to do impossible things every single day! And if it’s possible for me, then why not explore your own im-possibilities!? If you can experience a life unknown, simply by allowing it to happen – then why not? 

From the very first inkling of trouble, before even receiving confirmation of my diagnosis, I told my husband and my mom there was no way I’d be doing chemo. It was just not on the table. While that might be hard for some people to understand, my family never argued my choices. (And for that I am extremely grateful.) Declining medical treatment was not at all difficult for me. But the world of holistic care can be just as intense and scary if you go down that rabbit hole. I fell into a trap of over-trying. I wanted to leave no stone unturned. I wanted to say I had tried absolutely everything, because if it ended up not working out in the end, at least I could say I had tried my hardest. I exhausted myself, burned the candle at both ends, and ended up making myself sicker than ever.

The most courageous thing I have ever had to do was let go of the external world’s expectations of what it might take to heal me. It was not avoiding medical doctors, it was not even changing natural treatments, it was learning how to listen to myself from within and trust that my body knew what it was doing - that was an incredible feat. The most courageous thing I have done was made the decision to trust myself. 

February 3, 2018.

The bloodwork I had tried to get before going on vacation finally went through. I was so excited to receive the results I packed up the kids and drove to Brandon’s office in the middle of his work day. I wanted to be with him to open the email together and jump for joy when we opened it up and……. It got worse!? What?? How can that be?? 

Devastated is an understatement. I immediately burst into tears, and my husband held me up from falling to the ground in the moment I thought I’d be flying high. I had been envisioning this moment for so long. I could see the magic number in my head, and pictured the scenario so perfectly. I thought I’d be overjoyed and celebrating, but instead I was filled with disappointment and grief. What was I missing?? After so much clarity, whyyyy had the numbers gotten worse and WHAT in the world was I supposed to do now? I was flooded with feelings of ‘not enough’ and failure. My husband looked me in the eye, and said “I know it’s going to get better. Now what do we have to do to get you there?” He was willing to do absolutely anything, send me on a cruise, pay for any treatments, whatever it took: he’d make it happen. I rested in the moment of his support, and I apologized to him for ruining his work day. I thought for sure we’d be celebrating, but now we were back to square 1. He assured me I hadn’t ruined anything and held me in the time I needed him most. Looking back, it was a blessing I was with him when I received that news.

After the initial shock of seeing the literal opposite of what I had envisioned, I sat with it. I embraced the stillness of my own being and I asked myself what I was supposed to do. I thought to myself, go back to what you know. What were you doing in August of last year when your numbers were lower? I was just eating Paleo and sucking down carrot juice. I hadn’t watched Chris Beat Cancer or 15 hundred documentaries with every little known fact about how the body should function. I hadn’t started any of the routine ‘healthy-regimen’ stuff… so maybe stop doing all the stuff? Could it be that simple? NO. I researched all of these things and these things are supposed to change my physiology and SAVE my life. If I stop, I could get worse! But I’ve already gotten worse, and I’m still ok – so why not? I took a HUGE leap of faith and for the first time leaned into my inner guidance system.

I had an inner knowing, an intuitive feeling, that in those 4 months when I had gone crazy town with every holistic therapy I could fit into my day – I stressed myself out so much that of course I’d gotten worse. I tried so hard to ‘support my body perfectly’, and get rid of cancer the right way, because if I didn’t succeed it would mean I’d leave my three babies without a mama. There was a lot of pressure to show the world I could do it. There is a lot of invisible pressure when seeking holistic care, that you need to be hitting it hard, and doing every single thing available, because after all, you’ve got cancer and you don’t want to die, do you? I’m *certain* that had I gotten my blood results back in November when I’d originally tried to send it off my values would have actually been much much higher than they were today. I had a notion that where I was at today (though I was not thrilled about the actual numbers) was actually a better place than where I was in November. The amount of stress I put on myself during those days literally gives me PTSD from the regimen and strict nature of it all. I told my husband later ‘I can’t go back there. I can’t do the all day treatment stuff again.’ So that’s where my letting-go process began. I wrote in my journal “What I feel I NEED:” And the answer was ‘Silent time to connect to my inner knowing and feel the answer.” So I went with it.  

There was a theme that kept recurring. When I’m sitting alone, embracing the stillness or journaling is often when I receive messages from God. I write freely and when I go back and read it later, it’s almost as if someone else has written me a story that I can’t put down. Encouragement and answers line my path. One of the themes that has kept recurring is *I am happy. I am healthy. I am whole. Everything I need to be who I am, I already possess. All of the answers I seek are within.*

I must admit, for months I’d dance around this theme and think it was lovely. I’d say it out loud to myself, I’d talk about it, I thought it sounded fantastic and I even believed in it… but then I’d continue DOing all of the things: juicing, enemas, supplements, etc. Maybe I had let go of doing every therapy every single day, but I was still maintaining trying to force my body to change by the external influences. Then one day I realized – Elise, when are you going to trust your inner knowing. You keep saying one thing, and doing a million others. You say you already possess everything you need, but then you go out trying to fix it all the time. I decided enough was enough. I am forever connected to the creator of our universe and it is within me. How dare I look outside myself for any magic rhythm or regimen. How dare I think for one minute that I need to DO more to HEAL my physical body when I am a direct result of the divine power itself. How dare I take it upon my earthly being to think it is (little) me that needs to save the day. No. I am already saved. I am healthy, and I am whole. It is not my job to FIX me because I am perfect the way I am, and I love that about me. It is not my job to assess the situation and make a plan. It’s my job to be here now, and to love myself and embrace my inner knowing. God has given me wise discernment, and I am blessed to have been able to SEE that. So I stopped. I stopped making all the juice every day. I stopped doing coffee enemas. I stopped researching the snot out of every holistic cancer treatment known to man. I just stopped. I went back to the relatively healthy lifestyle I knew. I reintroduced things that I’d been missing for months. Coffee, chocolate… Bacon. I totally brought bacon back into my life. Why? Because I really love it! (Particularly wrapped around dates!) It seems simple, but it was not easy. I had put my faith in my good efforts – and letting go of that to trust the fact that my spirit could lead me was something I never expected I could do.

My husband had his concerns. He told me back in February he was worried that I wasn’t doing any of my normal routine. I told him I was giving myself all the love and care I needed, and I knew I was on the right track. Keeping in mind, I wasn’t doing ‘nothing’. I was taking 1-2 hours every single day to myself to rest in the quiet stillness, and embrace my true essence. I was connecting to the Whole and allowing fresh air to fill my life. I was taking things slow and released expectation of making anyone else happy. Which in turn, made everyone else much happier now that I look back on it. I replaced much of my ‘therapy time’ with one on one dates with each of my kids. I figured if I didn’t make it out alive, I wanted them to remember a Mama who spent time with them, and took them on lots of special dates. Before, their Mama was home, but never really present. Always too busy going down to the sauna or needing alone time. That was not how I’d let my kids remember me.

So I went from DOing all of the things, to DOing nothing?  

Not exactly. I love how eloquently Jackie Chan said it in the Karate Kid:

I can’t pretend that everyone… or anyone will understand what I’m saying, but I promised myself that I would fearlessly step out and shine my light into the world. I told myself it doesn’t matter if anyone understands WHY I do what I do. What matters is allowing my message to be heard, because when it falls on the right ears, it will change someone else’s life. And for that my soul will be eternally grateful.

My best friend asked me if I was giving up. I assured her I wasn’t giving up, I was giving in. Giving IN to the request my body and soul had made. Giving IN to the simplicity of the truth. Every single cell of my being knew deep down that it wasn’t about all the work I’d put in, it was about making sure I began and ended each day by showing myself as much love as I could. 

Again, this sounds simple. The unexplainable part is thinking back to the hard days. It’s always easier for me to stay in a great positive mental space when I’m feeling well and energized. I can talk amazing healing abilities left and right when I’m feeling the effects of the magic… But the truth of the matter is many days I was in a lot of pain. Many days I would give 100% to my patients, be proud of myself for keeping it together at home, and then feel and intense amount of pain and discomfort all throughout my body. I was trying SO hard to let go of the unnecessary therapies, but still not giving myself what my soul was asking. 

For a while there I got really mad at myself. I kept thinking ‘I’m doing my best. I’m giving myself time each day, I’m loving myself. What else am I missing? What message have I not learned? Whyyyyyy am I in so much pain? Why haven’t I been able to heal myself?’ And every time I found myself in pain I beat myself up over it. It occurred to me that instead of listening, I badgered myself. I belittled my efforts and felt like I wasn’t healing well enough. There it was.

I could never imagine treating anyone else like that. I started treating myself differently. I began to be really gentle with myself. In times of pain I changed my mindset to “Elise, what can I do for you right now?” I imagined if my 3 year-old was sick and not feeling well. I’d never look at her and say ‘Why are you not better yet? Why can’t you get it right!?’ No. I’d look at her with compassion, and tell her ‘I love you. I’m here for you. You’re going be ok, and I will take care of you no matter what.’ That’s exactly how I started talking to myself. It didn’t matter if I felt sluggish, physically sore like I’d been hit by a truck, or the sharp shooting painful sensations – every time I felt discomfort, I stopped myself. I asked myself ‘What do you need in this moment?’ I looked within, and dug deep. And I gave it to myself freely, without guilt or shame. 3 epsom salt baths in one day? Done. A 2-hour nap in the late afternoon? Mine. A bit of extra chocolate to go with my coffee? Yes, please. I took pleasure in taking care of myself and taking things slow. I found joy in finding new things that made me feel whole. Sound baths, reiki sessions, art, dancing to music, long baths, acupuncture, laughter, bird listening, collecting beads, enjoying my swingasan chair under the gazeebo, finding new interests and hobbies all became my medicine. I began listening to myself in a way my soul had been craving. I found things that made me feel alive, and truly filled my cup. Instead of being upset with myself for not feeling well, I took it as a reminder that my body needed me to listen. Pain is just a signal. A really direct and straight forward signal that your body is using to communicate with you. I stopped saying yes, when I meant no. I fed my soul. And when I gave it exactly what it needed, I healed remarkably quickly.

I also came to the conclusion that we don’t always get what we want when we want it, and for good reason. After months of a rigorous regimen, I couldn’t have lived any more by the books. I couldn’t have done a better job following everyone else’s raw vegan juicing supplementing ways. After all, if I didn’t do *everything I possibly could to cure myself of cancer, then when it came down to it, they couldn’t say ‘Well, she did everything she could!’ I must say, my original goal was 6 months. I thought, I can do strict! I can do nutrition. I’ve got this in the bag. That timeline came and went. My disappointment and frustration was dense. I realized since then that had I gotten WHAT I wanted WHEN I wanted it (cancer free by 6 months after my diagnosis), I would have stopped there. I would have checked the cancer box, and I would have given all of the credit to my Norwalk juicer and vigilant determination. But where would that have left me? Terrified to step away from the juicer, that’s for sure. It would have left me still ‘not enough’ and afraid to ever eat out a restaurant. I wouldn’t have dug to the depths of my soul to not only meet God in me, but have taken time to get to know my inner divine/spirit/soul/God manifest. Because it’s once you know someone, you can begin to trust them. Once you trust them you can rest in the deep connection and love that has grown. So much of my personal growth has happened with in the last 3 months. When I was upset by being in the midst of the madness, it was then that I was learning to trust myself and truly follow my own inner calling. When I shifted my focus and my awareness to (WHO I am) and knowing and loving her more, that is where exponential growth took place.

So, Who am I?
Elise was destined to come to earth to BE a true expression of herself. Who is that? I answered this question over and over – never trying to get it right, but just trying to encompass all of the feelings that went along with such a huge question. The true essence of Elise securely embraces me in every breath, whispering ‘You’re safe. It’s ok. I’ve got you.’ I am perfectly imperfect with no expectation or demands. I am released of all status and expectation because I am here now.

Could it really be this simple?

Can you really cure cancer with love alone?

In just 4 weeks … my bloodwork improved by 50% of what it had risen.

By golly, it fricken works. Imagine that? The human frame, designed by God himself, is such an incredible design that when given exactly what it needs it can heal extraordinarily fast with little to no outward help – only trust and knowing that it was absolutely capable all along. It needs no help, just no interference. And imagine – a world where God also created dis-order, dis-ease, cancer even… as a communication tool. Not something to be feared, but something to be listened to. If people stopped fearing losing their lives and just started to live from their hearts, imagine where we would be!

The concept seems simple. Letting go. But simple is not always easy. How many people do you know that can escape the clutches of control, that can trust their inner-spirit to guide them and their body to heal them? It’s an over-used and undervalued phrase, even I used to throw around nonchalantly.

Until I had a complete out of body experience and viscerally responded to the calling of allowing the true nature of my own essence to express itself through love… I couldn’t fully comprehend the feeling of ‘letting go.’ It’s a bit like imagining birth before ever experiencing labor. That being said, it opens the door for any and all treatment methods. Though it was not my path, I am very supportive of those who choose conventional treatment for their bodies. I have no problem at all with people who choose Gerson Therapy or Ayurvedic Medicine. One thing I’ve learned is that there are thousands of ways you can attempt to assist your body in healing. Do I think any of them are necessary? Nope. But I’m not opposed to any of them. The POWER comes from where people are making choices. If the path you are choosing is done so because you felt an inner calling and you are trusting your personal guidance system, you too can feel and experience life in a new light. But if the path you are choosing is out of fear (of the unknown, of death, of illness, of failure, of imperfection, of guilt) it absolutely will not serve you well. This is true in all aspects of our existence. What it comes down to is how we align ourselves and listen to that intuition and guidance. Trust yourself* first. Explore it, and watch the magic happen. It’s more than mind over matter. It’s not about training the mind with affirmations or believing so hard you make it a reality. It’s quite the opposite. Releasing your mind frees your soul.  So that’s just what I continued to do.

                        (Stay Tuned for Part II Coming This Week)

Cancer Free by Christmas

Have you ever said anything deeply profound and meaningful, but not realized it at the time you said it? Through this process I have come to find that there is an innate wisdom that comes shining through when I connect my awareness to the heavens. When I listen with my heart instead of with my mind – answers are given. The fun part of these answers are that often times I blurt things out, and have no idea the immensity of the thought until months later when I realize, “See, I knew it all along? I just had to listen to myself….”

When I was first diagnosed with stage 3 triple negative (very aggressive) breast cancer not a single medical doctor asked me WHY I thought I had gotten cancer. In fact, they told me it was random chance. They were certain that it must have been genetic, being that I was so young.  Well, it’s not genes. And it’s NOT random – none of this is random chance. It was one of my biggest personal victories to find out that I am not flawed, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my genome… in fact it’s quite perfect. Now that’s kind of sexy! Worthy of adding to my ‘strengths’ column for sure. My answer when natural doctors and my reiki master had asked me what I thought caused my cancer was “I don’t know! I’m like the healthiest person I know. I think there is a really big emotional component, but I just haven’t quite figured it out.”

Boom.

Innately I knew. And so began, the biggest healing journey I’d ever go on. A journey inward, of watching my physical body change as I allowed my emotional and spiritual side to heal and grow.

Through this process I have struggled with focusing all of my energy on healing my physical body, pushing my body to the max with supplements, daily therapies, teas, remedies, etc. I had wanted to DO everything I could so I could say that no matter what I tried my hardest to heal my body. It literally became my life – I was defined by the millions of things I was trying to do to enhance my body’s healing. I was unable to do things that were once very fulfilling and gave me life… in order to save my life. Then I kept coming back to the fact that our bodies are innately intelligent, they are designed to heal and they need no help... just no interference. (Physical, chemical, or emotional.) I’ve gone through ups and downs of feeling incredible, and feeling downright miserable. My goal was to spend 3 months of ‘hard core’, no loose ends, balls to the walls, every therapy imaginable, and then get a repeat of my blood work to see how well my efforts worked.

That should have been my first clue. MY PLAN. My goal. MY work. It’s bigger than that. I should have known, it’s so much bigger than the physical Me.   

To my dismay, I went for the blood draw after my 3 months of hard work and the one test tube that was sent in the kit didn’t have enough vacuum seal to draw enough blood to send in. I couldn’t get my test done. I was frustrated I couldn’t get my answer or my ‘all-clear’. I was upset that after all of that hard work I couldn’t see exactly where I was to see if it had paid off. Something in me was a little relieved. I thought “it’s meant to be. I will just relax a little bit, I’ll do what I can, but we have a trip to Hawaii coming up and I will just get my blood drawn when I get back.”

Honestly, from all the work I’d been putting in to help support my body I was pretty burnt out. I wanted a break from having cancer. I wanted a pass on doing all the DOING I had been doing every single day and the added stress it put on me. I wanted a break from the expectation of missing time with my friends and family so that I could ‘give’ more time to myself. I was looking forward to getting those results, telling me I was cancer free – but then I realized, if that’s what they said I would continue holding myself to those standards, and for how long? The fear of ‘How long am I going to have to continue this regimen?” set in, because if those actions were what had gotten me well, I don’t think I’d have let up one stitch.

We spent 8 incredible carefree days in Hawaii. I didn’t juice, but I found a great juice bar that made the most decadent organic local fresh juices and raw salads. My family and I would walk to the juice co each day for special treats. We took early morning walks to a few of our favorite spots and watched that beautiful sunrise over the beach. We found a quaint coffee shop, a hidden beach, and so many treasured places I cannot wait to go back to.  I didn’t eat a raw vegan diet – I splurged on the freshest fish and the finest desserts. My mouth waters just thinking about it! I even had a drink by the poolside and ate French fries with my kiddos after swimming in chlorinated water – gasp! And here’s the thing: I have never felt better! I never felt pain once. I didn’t feel sick at all. I don’t think I brought up cancer one single time I was on vacation. I relaxed, I laughed, I indulged. I watched my kids experience the ocean. I got quiet time to myself with my toes in the sand. And every single day: I grew roots. I planted my bare feet on that soil and imagined my roots growing deep into the earth because I am here now. And I’m here to stay. I got a very clear message from God as I was engrossed in the vitality of my vacation.

It’s not about the juicing. It’s not about the exercise, the sauna, or the coffee enemas. It’s not about the diet you choose, the right combination of supplements or eliminating the right foods. It’s about loving yourself so much that you’re willing to allow healing to take place within your soul first. It’s about connecting to God and seeing God through you – and understanding that we are all one.  

This brought me back to a message I’d received before I traveled to Colorado in August of this year for our first ‘treatment’ experience:

The treatment doesn’t matter. Whatever treatment you choose does not matter.

At the time I was terrified and that message was less than comforting. I wanted to know what the RIGHT path was. I wanted to know that the treatment I was choosing would save my life. God told me then, and he told me again now that I am saved. I am healthy. I am whole. And I am healed. That message is clear to me today, but holds so much more meaning once I’ve experienced life the way I have.

Our amazing vacation eventually ended, and heading home felt right. It felt slow, and connected. I was scheduled to re-draw my bloodwork when we got home. I had zero anxiety about getting my blood drawn this time. I didn’t even tell anyone I was getting the test run. I was very much at ease about knowing I am just fine.

As the week drew on and we were trying to get back into the swing of things I grew more accustomed to my old lifestyle. I hadn’t done anything for myself. No juice. No sauna. No me time. I was putting my kids’ every single need before my own. And I hadn’t taken any time to be grateful for the life I’m living and slow things down to show myself love. It wasn’t intentional at all, but very quickly I began to fall back into my old habits. Part of me thought “It’s ok, I’ll get back to it soon enough – but it doesn’t matter anyway, I can heal without a million therapies!” This was my way of justifying not giving myself time or love, which I’m sure you can relate to. I kept thinking, I’ll head down to the sauna tomorrow, I’ll just catch up on one more thing around the house. The pendulum had swung in the opposite direction. I had literally gone from one extreme to the next trying to find balance. Trying to figure out what the rest of my life is supposed to look like. I refuse to live my life as if I’m healing from cancer. I refuse to live my life as if I’m broken and constantly needing to fix things. I went from doing a million things to push my body’s function of detox and immune boost, to the far end of the spectrum where I did literally nothing to support my body physically, but I heightened my awareness. Now that I was home I felt like I’d lost myself. It was time to get myself re-tested to see where my blood results lied and time for me to decide what to make of each day.    

I’d be lying if I wasn’t super giddy and totally excited to find that my numbers proved that all the LIVING I had done in Hawaii did nothing but help me heal faster, but I was still unsure of what the answers would prove. I got my blood taken and they overnighted it to the lab. I waited a few days, and when I impatiently called the day before I should have heard any results the lab told me they had never received my serum. What?? Are you serious?? There had to be some mistake. I was supposed to get my answer. I’m certain, I was supposed to joyously share the news with my family that I was cancer free by Christmas. No, this was no joke. For whatever reason (still unknown to me) FedEx rejected the package and it was never sent. I expected reassurance that my magic number meant that the efforts I had once been so diligent about making didn’t matter, and that I could live my life carefree and still see positive movement.

Where to start now? I went around and around about what matters, which therapies might be of importance, and tried making a plan when I remembered God’s message “It doesn’t matter which treatment you choose.” It was at this point I recognized my feeling of ‘out of control’ did not come from my Lack-of-a-Plan, it came from neglecting to give myself any time from the moment we got home. I was right all along! It’s NOT about the enemas or the green juices.

·        It’s simply about showing up for myself each day as the best truest version of ME that I can be, and loving myself SO MUCH I give to myself each and every day. Give time. Give grace. Give joy. Give laughter. Give permission to love and to be loved.

Do you see it?

It was never about having cancer in the first place. I used to be *obsessed with living a healthy lifestyle. I used to take health so seriously and try so vigorously to get my friends and family to care about living a healthy lifestyle. It was never about becoming more obsessed with different ways to BE healthy – it was about meeting myself on a new playing field. Life is meant to be experienced as a means of embracing and expressing WHO we truly are, an expression of God. It was never about me, it’s about everyone else whose life I touch and the way in which I touch it – because we are all one.

The continued ‘treatment plan’ I have chosen looks like a combination of everything I’ve learned in the past 6 months, but mostly it looks like an unregimented guide to giving to myself every single day. This includes time to myself, connecting with God, and picking whatever it is I feel my body and soul needs in this moment. I’ve taken several mornings to work out and sit in the sauna, while other mornings I have chosen a different therapy of choice for an hour or so. Some mornings I’ve been intentional about meeting a friend for coffee – yes, the sweet hot black nectar of life is back in my hands am so so grateful for thoroughly enjoying every sip in a good friend’s company. Here’s the kicker, I’ve also one nothing at all some days. I’ve taken time in nature and taken time to breathe. I’ve maintained a healthy diet and tend to make choices based on what will make me feel fulfilled as opposed to feeling deprived of things. I make conscious choices out of love and respect for my physical body, and take time to check in with the Big Me. I’ve not felt guilty one time for choosing one thing over another, and in each part of my day I give it my best to be completely present with myself. Allowing myself time to heal and come back to my center. I know that healthy choices do matter, and I still make healthy choices based on loving myself. But I do not shut myself out from the world or keep myself from experiencing LIFE because the reason we are here is to embrace all facets of living. My goal in writing has never once been to lay out a plan for anyone to follow or share with the world the answer to cancer. My goal was never to write a timeline showing all of the therapies and how/when to introduce them because honestly, I had no damn clue how this all works and surely no direction guide. All I know is that in some crazy combination of the experiences I’ve had I figured out how and what feels like LOVE to me. I figured out the amount of time I need to clear my mind and how to breathe. (Which is so incredibly HARD with three little kids, by the way.) And I’ve figured out how to listen to that inner guidance that wants so badly to share the answers.

There is a quote by Anita Moorjani that seems very fitting, “When you heal the metaphysical you get a clear channel for what is right to heal your physical body.”

I’m certain that as long as my essence feels the warm embrace of my own light I can share my light and love with others. Healing has taken place at each turn of this journey. And look at that – I was right… there was some emotional component, and I finally put my finger on it. We are ALL so much more than these physical bodies. Whether it is cancer or any of the other hundreds of dis-ease states our bodies might experience. Taking care of ourselves is so much more than looking at the physical needs of this innately genius physical frame. I am so grateful for the wake-up call I received. Knowing now, nearly 7 months after I was diagnosed with cancer – it was never about the cancer. It was about me waking up, and finding the inner Me. The Big Me. The bigness I felt within is so beautifully powerful because it’s the interconnectedness of every single part of the whole. And understanding that if you’re not willing to look within yourself and see your role in your perceived reality, then your perception of the world is lost. Nothing is as it seems. Remember when I told the doctors it’s not random? I have come to understand and be grateful that all of this happened for a reason.

For the first time I am looking forward to the new paths I’ll discover and the continued healing and growing that I know will take place. God was right. It does not matter which treatment you choose. Because it is not the treatment that has healed me. It is ME who has allowed love IN and by supporting myself this way I do not forget who I came here to BE. For the longest time I looked forward to the destination: the removal of my diagnosis. Now that I am truly living each day as though I am cancer free, the journey itself looks a lot more like heaven and experiencing life here on earth feels a lot more like a blessing.

In this season of life, with little people looking up to you, so many of us put ourselves last. So many of us moms choose* to fill others’ cup before our own because at any given moment there are tiny humans demanding a trillion things from you. “I want water. Not that cup. Where’s my straw? No! I said no lid, yes ice. Why isn’t it cold? Where’s my snack? I need to poop. Come wipe me. I need to tell you something. Smell my horse. Read to me? I love you Mom! Hold me, Mama! She took my toy. Dawson ate my picture. Mom, mom, MOOOM!!!” With a baby on my boob, grabbing a snack for this one, and cleaning up that one’s spilled water… Ex.Haust.ING. Don’t get me wrong, my children are grateful, and they are the lights of my life, but they incessantly ask for things and NEED things from me, which can make it almost impossible for a mom to accomplish anything for herself. There’s just something about Mom-life where you feel drawn to take care of your babies first. There are a million requests and I do in fact say no to a lot of them, but it’s hard. It’s hard to make time for yourself when the tiny humans you love so much are demanding so much of your time. It’s hard to remain centered when you’ve got tantrums flying and littles climbing the curtains. #mommingainteasy

I said something at the BIRTHFIT Summit on a Podcast last summer. I did not fully appreciate my own insights, and I surely did not know the immensity of what I was saying at the time: I said “You need to GIVE to yourself in a real true way. Not by manicures and massages, but truly GIVING to yourself on a level that makes you feel alive.” It was as if someone else had given me those words at the time… because I have heard my own voice resonating those words every day, ever since I said them. As moms we need to get to know ourselves from the inside out. Love ourselves unconditionally, and stop with the crazy expectations. We need to fill our own cups first by connecting with ourselves during quiet moments so that when our kids get to volume 11 and crazy hits the fan – we’ve got that sacred foundation of love that keeps the calm. This is a daily practice, just like meditation, love is a practice that I pray each and every person reading this decides to join me on.

When we were in Hawaii we took the kids to none other than a Hawaiian Luau! The show was fantastic, the food was incredible, and of course I spilled my drink all over the table while parenting 3 over tired children who simultaneously needed to potty, didn’t want to eat their food, and couldn’t decide if nursing would distract him from the show. This is real life folks. But while we were there Brandon insisted he wanted to buy me a pearl necklace as something to remember and embrace our healing experience on this trip. He had picked one he liked, and told me to pick any pearl I wanted. I wasn’t surprised that we had picked almost the exact same pearl – a Tahitian black pearl in a perfectly imperfect teardrop rounded shape. But what I was surprised by was the meaning behind that specific kind of pearl that we had picked. Instead of my usual late night facebook browse I decided to look up the meaning of this particular stone and I found something magical:

What I read stated that this stone allows one to open up and find the meaning and purpose of ones’ true self. It’s believed to enlighten the mind and inspire the mood, while helping learn to love oneself more. In turn helping to love others more as well. Whoa. If that wasn’t a great piece to wear and remind me of this journey and remind me to be true to my purpose I don’t know what is!  

As we came to the end of our amazing family getaway my heart had never been so certain that all is as it should be. I’m healed. I’m whole. I’m happy. It might have taken me some back and forth, some wading, some testing new waters once we returned home, but that’s what life is all about, right? It’s about finding balance and living out of love. I’m so grateful not only to have had the life changing experience of getting and BEATING cancer, but to continue to live life at such a high vibrational resonance. To help others experience love this way, and to cherish the rest of my life.

(*For the record: I will in fact have some tests or images run at some point – and I’ll let you know when that magic # appears, but for now – God let me know that I’m healed, and it’s a beautiful thing to live life Cancer Free.)