Trusting Me

Well, when we left off last I promised I’d eventually get some more blood work or images taken. So much has happened in the last few months, let me take you through a bit of the chaos, into the storm, and through the magic of it all.

Along this journey and through my writings I have never once written with the intention of anyone else actually reading it. I’ve never considered my audience or altered my thoughts because I was worried about what someone might feel when they read it. I’ve written my emotions and my experiences just as they are, because it feels right to me. For the first time I’m writing I realize that what you are about to read might ruffle some feathers. Sometimes I get a caught up in the magic of what I’ve experienced I forget not everyone has connected with the same innate power I have, though it does in fact live within every single person here on earth. Someone recently said to me “That’s great if it’s working for you... but I just can’t see how that’s possible.” I like to do impossible things every single day! And if it’s possible for me, then why not explore your own im-possibilities!? If you can experience a life unknown, simply by allowing it to happen – then why not? 

From the very first inkling of trouble, before even receiving confirmation of my diagnosis, I told my husband and my mom there was no way I’d be doing chemo. It was just not on the table. While that might be hard for some people to understand, my family never argued my choices. (And for that I am extremely grateful.) Declining medical treatment was not at all difficult for me. But the world of holistic care can be just as intense and scary if you go down that rabbit hole. I fell into a trap of over-trying. I wanted to leave no stone unturned. I wanted to say I had tried absolutely everything, because if it ended up not working out in the end, at least I could say I had tried my hardest. I exhausted myself, burned the candle at both ends, and ended up making myself sicker than ever.

The most courageous thing I have ever had to do was let go of the external world’s expectations of what it might take to heal me. It was not avoiding medical doctors, it was not even changing natural treatments, it was learning how to listen to myself from within and trust that my body knew what it was doing - that was an incredible feat. The most courageous thing I have done was made the decision to trust myself. 

February 3, 2018.

The bloodwork I had tried to get before going on vacation finally went through. I was so excited to receive the results I packed up the kids and drove to Brandon’s office in the middle of his work day. I wanted to be with him to open the email together and jump for joy when we opened it up and……. It got worse!? What?? How can that be?? 

Devastated is an understatement. I immediately burst into tears, and my husband held me up from falling to the ground in the moment I thought I’d be flying high. I had been envisioning this moment for so long. I could see the magic number in my head, and pictured the scenario so perfectly. I thought I’d be overjoyed and celebrating, but instead I was filled with disappointment and grief. What was I missing?? After so much clarity, whyyyy had the numbers gotten worse and WHAT in the world was I supposed to do now? I was flooded with feelings of ‘not enough’ and failure. My husband looked me in the eye, and said “I know it’s going to get better. Now what do we have to do to get you there?” He was willing to do absolutely anything, send me on a cruise, pay for any treatments, whatever it took: he’d make it happen. I rested in the moment of his support, and I apologized to him for ruining his work day. I thought for sure we’d be celebrating, but now we were back to square 1. He assured me I hadn’t ruined anything and held me in the time I needed him most. Looking back, it was a blessing I was with him when I received that news.

After the initial shock of seeing the literal opposite of what I had envisioned, I sat with it. I embraced the stillness of my own being and I asked myself what I was supposed to do. I thought to myself, go back to what you know. What were you doing in August of last year when your numbers were lower? I was just eating Paleo and sucking down carrot juice. I hadn’t watched Chris Beat Cancer or 15 hundred documentaries with every little known fact about how the body should function. I hadn’t started any of the routine ‘healthy-regimen’ stuff… so maybe stop doing all the stuff? Could it be that simple? NO. I researched all of these things and these things are supposed to change my physiology and SAVE my life. If I stop, I could get worse! But I’ve already gotten worse, and I’m still ok – so why not? I took a HUGE leap of faith and for the first time leaned into my inner guidance system.

I had an inner knowing, an intuitive feeling, that in those 4 months when I had gone crazy town with every holistic therapy I could fit into my day – I stressed myself out so much that of course I’d gotten worse. I tried so hard to ‘support my body perfectly’, and get rid of cancer the right way, because if I didn’t succeed it would mean I’d leave my three babies without a mama. There was a lot of pressure to show the world I could do it. There is a lot of invisible pressure when seeking holistic care, that you need to be hitting it hard, and doing every single thing available, because after all, you’ve got cancer and you don’t want to die, do you? I’m *certain* that had I gotten my blood results back in November when I’d originally tried to send it off my values would have actually been much much higher than they were today. I had a notion that where I was at today (though I was not thrilled about the actual numbers) was actually a better place than where I was in November. The amount of stress I put on myself during those days literally gives me PTSD from the regimen and strict nature of it all. I told my husband later ‘I can’t go back there. I can’t do the all day treatment stuff again.’ So that’s where my letting-go process began. I wrote in my journal “What I feel I NEED:” And the answer was ‘Silent time to connect to my inner knowing and feel the answer.” So I went with it.  

There was a theme that kept recurring. When I’m sitting alone, embracing the stillness or journaling is often when I receive messages from God. I write freely and when I go back and read it later, it’s almost as if someone else has written me a story that I can’t put down. Encouragement and answers line my path. One of the themes that has kept recurring is *I am happy. I am healthy. I am whole. Everything I need to be who I am, I already possess. All of the answers I seek are within.*

I must admit, for months I’d dance around this theme and think it was lovely. I’d say it out loud to myself, I’d talk about it, I thought it sounded fantastic and I even believed in it… but then I’d continue DOing all of the things: juicing, enemas, supplements, etc. Maybe I had let go of doing every therapy every single day, but I was still maintaining trying to force my body to change by the external influences. Then one day I realized – Elise, when are you going to trust your inner knowing. You keep saying one thing, and doing a million others. You say you already possess everything you need, but then you go out trying to fix it all the time. I decided enough was enough. I am forever connected to the creator of our universe and it is within me. How dare I look outside myself for any magic rhythm or regimen. How dare I think for one minute that I need to DO more to HEAL my physical body when I am a direct result of the divine power itself. How dare I take it upon my earthly being to think it is (little) me that needs to save the day. No. I am already saved. I am healthy, and I am whole. It is not my job to FIX me because I am perfect the way I am, and I love that about me. It is not my job to assess the situation and make a plan. It’s my job to be here now, and to love myself and embrace my inner knowing. God has given me wise discernment, and I am blessed to have been able to SEE that. So I stopped. I stopped making all the juice every day. I stopped doing coffee enemas. I stopped researching the snot out of every holistic cancer treatment known to man. I just stopped. I went back to the relatively healthy lifestyle I knew. I reintroduced things that I’d been missing for months. Coffee, chocolate… Bacon. I totally brought bacon back into my life. Why? Because I really love it! (Particularly wrapped around dates!) It seems simple, but it was not easy. I had put my faith in my good efforts – and letting go of that to trust the fact that my spirit could lead me was something I never expected I could do.

My husband had his concerns. He told me back in February he was worried that I wasn’t doing any of my normal routine. I told him I was giving myself all the love and care I needed, and I knew I was on the right track. Keeping in mind, I wasn’t doing ‘nothing’. I was taking 1-2 hours every single day to myself to rest in the quiet stillness, and embrace my true essence. I was connecting to the Whole and allowing fresh air to fill my life. I was taking things slow and released expectation of making anyone else happy. Which in turn, made everyone else much happier now that I look back on it. I replaced much of my ‘therapy time’ with one on one dates with each of my kids. I figured if I didn’t make it out alive, I wanted them to remember a Mama who spent time with them, and took them on lots of special dates. Before, their Mama was home, but never really present. Always too busy going down to the sauna or needing alone time. That was not how I’d let my kids remember me.

So I went from DOing all of the things, to DOing nothing?  

Not exactly. I love how eloquently Jackie Chan said it in the Karate Kid:

I can’t pretend that everyone… or anyone will understand what I’m saying, but I promised myself that I would fearlessly step out and shine my light into the world. I told myself it doesn’t matter if anyone understands WHY I do what I do. What matters is allowing my message to be heard, because when it falls on the right ears, it will change someone else’s life. And for that my soul will be eternally grateful.

My best friend asked me if I was giving up. I assured her I wasn’t giving up, I was giving in. Giving IN to the request my body and soul had made. Giving IN to the simplicity of the truth. Every single cell of my being knew deep down that it wasn’t about all the work I’d put in, it was about making sure I began and ended each day by showing myself as much love as I could. 

Again, this sounds simple. The unexplainable part is thinking back to the hard days. It’s always easier for me to stay in a great positive mental space when I’m feeling well and energized. I can talk amazing healing abilities left and right when I’m feeling the effects of the magic… But the truth of the matter is many days I was in a lot of pain. Many days I would give 100% to my patients, be proud of myself for keeping it together at home, and then feel and intense amount of pain and discomfort all throughout my body. I was trying SO hard to let go of the unnecessary therapies, but still not giving myself what my soul was asking. 

For a while there I got really mad at myself. I kept thinking ‘I’m doing my best. I’m giving myself time each day, I’m loving myself. What else am I missing? What message have I not learned? Whyyyyyy am I in so much pain? Why haven’t I been able to heal myself?’ And every time I found myself in pain I beat myself up over it. It occurred to me that instead of listening, I badgered myself. I belittled my efforts and felt like I wasn’t healing well enough. There it was.

I could never imagine treating anyone else like that. I started treating myself differently. I began to be really gentle with myself. In times of pain I changed my mindset to “Elise, what can I do for you right now?” I imagined if my 3 year-old was sick and not feeling well. I’d never look at her and say ‘Why are you not better yet? Why can’t you get it right!?’ No. I’d look at her with compassion, and tell her ‘I love you. I’m here for you. You’re going be ok, and I will take care of you no matter what.’ That’s exactly how I started talking to myself. It didn’t matter if I felt sluggish, physically sore like I’d been hit by a truck, or the sharp shooting painful sensations – every time I felt discomfort, I stopped myself. I asked myself ‘What do you need in this moment?’ I looked within, and dug deep. And I gave it to myself freely, without guilt or shame. 3 epsom salt baths in one day? Done. A 2-hour nap in the late afternoon? Mine. A bit of extra chocolate to go with my coffee? Yes, please. I took pleasure in taking care of myself and taking things slow. I found joy in finding new things that made me feel whole. Sound baths, reiki sessions, art, dancing to music, long baths, acupuncture, laughter, bird listening, collecting beads, enjoying my swingasan chair under the gazeebo, finding new interests and hobbies all became my medicine. I began listening to myself in a way my soul had been craving. I found things that made me feel alive, and truly filled my cup. Instead of being upset with myself for not feeling well, I took it as a reminder that my body needed me to listen. Pain is just a signal. A really direct and straight forward signal that your body is using to communicate with you. I stopped saying yes, when I meant no. I fed my soul. And when I gave it exactly what it needed, I healed remarkably quickly.

I also came to the conclusion that we don’t always get what we want when we want it, and for good reason. After months of a rigorous regimen, I couldn’t have lived any more by the books. I couldn’t have done a better job following everyone else’s raw vegan juicing supplementing ways. After all, if I didn’t do *everything I possibly could to cure myself of cancer, then when it came down to it, they couldn’t say ‘Well, she did everything she could!’ I must say, my original goal was 6 months. I thought, I can do strict! I can do nutrition. I’ve got this in the bag. That timeline came and went. My disappointment and frustration was dense. I realized since then that had I gotten WHAT I wanted WHEN I wanted it (cancer free by 6 months after my diagnosis), I would have stopped there. I would have checked the cancer box, and I would have given all of the credit to my Norwalk juicer and vigilant determination. But where would that have left me? Terrified to step away from the juicer, that’s for sure. It would have left me still ‘not enough’ and afraid to ever eat out a restaurant. I wouldn’t have dug to the depths of my soul to not only meet God in me, but have taken time to get to know my inner divine/spirit/soul/God manifest. Because it’s once you know someone, you can begin to trust them. Once you trust them you can rest in the deep connection and love that has grown. So much of my personal growth has happened with in the last 3 months. When I was upset by being in the midst of the madness, it was then that I was learning to trust myself and truly follow my own inner calling. When I shifted my focus and my awareness to (WHO I am) and knowing and loving her more, that is where exponential growth took place.

So, Who am I?
Elise was destined to come to earth to BE a true expression of herself. Who is that? I answered this question over and over – never trying to get it right, but just trying to encompass all of the feelings that went along with such a huge question. The true essence of Elise securely embraces me in every breath, whispering ‘You’re safe. It’s ok. I’ve got you.’ I am perfectly imperfect with no expectation or demands. I am released of all status and expectation because I am here now.

Could it really be this simple?

Can you really cure cancer with love alone?

In just 4 weeks … my bloodwork improved by 50% of what it had risen.

By golly, it fricken works. Imagine that? The human frame, designed by God himself, is such an incredible design that when given exactly what it needs it can heal extraordinarily fast with little to no outward help – only trust and knowing that it was absolutely capable all along. It needs no help, just no interference. And imagine – a world where God also created dis-order, dis-ease, cancer even… as a communication tool. Not something to be feared, but something to be listened to. If people stopped fearing losing their lives and just started to live from their hearts, imagine where we would be!

The concept seems simple. Letting go. But simple is not always easy. How many people do you know that can escape the clutches of control, that can trust their inner-spirit to guide them and their body to heal them? It’s an over-used and undervalued phrase, even I used to throw around nonchalantly.

Until I had a complete out of body experience and viscerally responded to the calling of allowing the true nature of my own essence to express itself through love… I couldn’t fully comprehend the feeling of ‘letting go.’ It’s a bit like imagining birth before ever experiencing labor. That being said, it opens the door for any and all treatment methods. Though it was not my path, I am very supportive of those who choose conventional treatment for their bodies. I have no problem at all with people who choose Gerson Therapy or Ayurvedic Medicine. One thing I’ve learned is that there are thousands of ways you can attempt to assist your body in healing. Do I think any of them are necessary? Nope. But I’m not opposed to any of them. The POWER comes from where people are making choices. If the path you are choosing is done so because you felt an inner calling and you are trusting your personal guidance system, you too can feel and experience life in a new light. But if the path you are choosing is out of fear (of the unknown, of death, of illness, of failure, of imperfection, of guilt) it absolutely will not serve you well. This is true in all aspects of our existence. What it comes down to is how we align ourselves and listen to that intuition and guidance. Trust yourself* first. Explore it, and watch the magic happen. It’s more than mind over matter. It’s not about training the mind with affirmations or believing so hard you make it a reality. It’s quite the opposite. Releasing your mind frees your soul.  So that’s just what I continued to do.

                        (Stay Tuned for Part II Coming This Week)