Spoiler Alert: #ImHealed

The first few weeks following my diagnosis were a blur. My life was twist turned upside down. I was constantly crying, unsure of what our future would hold. No one tells you how much time it takes to go to one appointment after the next, hear recommendations from doctors, spend time researching something you never cared to know anything about, and then do more research on how you actually want to move forward. Despite all of the outward effort I put forth trying to figure things out, I focused a great deal of energy on listening to my inner voice. There was a constant inner message I heard. Much like when I was preparing for the birth of my third child, I kept feeling the mantra “It can’t be bigger than me. It IS me.” I just couldn’t shake the thought that my body had just grown a baby, and it had also grown a tumor. I’m just really good at growing things, what can I say? ;) There is such a negative connotation with cancer and tumors. Everyone wants to jump on ‘the fight against cancer’ and ‘beating cancer’ and ‘getting rid of it’. But my intuition kept ringing true, that cancer itself was not the problem. It can’t BE bigger than me… because it IS me, and I knew that I got cancer for a reason. I knew there would be a purpose, but I had absolutely no idea what the heck the purpose was. In my mind I kept thinking, once this cancer thing is behind me I’m going to tell everyone all about it. I’ll say “remember that one time I had cancer…” after it’s all said and done. Those who know me also know I am not much of a fighter. My fight or flight response literally turns on and I engage in Hug Mode. It’s just not in my genes, the aggressive ‘beat cancer to a pulp’ idea. So, as unpopular as it might be, I decided to *love* this cancer right out of me. Yep, I decided to embrace the tumor and love the hell out of this cancer and every opportunity that comes with it. It doesn’t mean this has been an easy task, quite the opposite really. But I decided my change needed to come from the heart. It needed to come from love. This was less of a conscious decision, and more of a sensation I experienced along the way, which I’ll get into more later.

Little unknown fact: for years my husband has been trying to get me to write a blog. He has told me over and over how good I would be at it, and how many incredible things I have to share… He’ll be the first to tell you, each and every single time he brought it up I shut it down. My biggest fear was putting something out there that would be judged or perceived in a way I hadn’t intended. Let’s be real, I was terrified of people not liking what I had to say no matter how valid it was. You will see that along this journey releasing all fears has been a huge component of my healing. I’m not talking about facing your fears. I’m talking about embracing yourself and loving yourself enough that fear no longer exists. In a million years I never would have thought I’d be okay with writing a blog – let alone come to Brandon at 6AM and say, “I have to share my story with the world. Today.” So my first post was a brand new experience for me. Thrilling! You see, without the existence of fear – you become limitless.

A crucial point in my healing transformation was when I met the real true Elise for the first time. When I realized WHO I am for the first time in my 30-year existence – it changed everything. I found myself. I am love. Most people that know me see my outward expression of love for others often, but THIS love, this was a love for myself that I had found buried deep within. THIS love can move mountains. (SO much more on this topic for another post. It’s my favorite, I’ll share lots on love!)

I learned that each day is a new opportunity to let love shine through and influence my life in a new way. I learned that tiny changes over time make a BIG difference and your entire perception of reality can be completely altered in a matter of seconds. (Both with earth-shattering news of a devastating diagnosis, and even more so with a vision of God’s true love.) The healing power of the Lord is incredible – emotionally wiped clean. Physically started new. Looking back at the one request I made when I realized God might be setting me up to climb a mountain, when I basically said “I’ll do anything, but please don’t mess with my marriage!” There’s no way the heart change that has taken place could NOT affect our marriage. There are sayings about how diamonds are made from pressure and how metal is crafted by heat and force, and how water alone can chisel a beautiful canyon by persistent gentle movement. All of these are examples of how a true change of heart will change every single aspect of your life. With growth and change comes a point of challenge and sometimes frustration – but today and I am eternally grateful for the mountain God has set me on. I’m praising the Lord for the challenges my husband and I have had in our marriage. Challenge and change are NOT meant to be feared. They are meant for growth. Beautiful, miraculous, growth comes from leaving the confines of comfort and complacency. My heart is exploding with excitement for what is to come next. For watching my love expand and continuing to say Yes, each and every single day to the Lord’s truly amazing plan for this beautiful life he’s entrusted me with. I’ve got a message of love and I’m ready to share it.

Then it hit me. My last big fear: Exposing my story before I reached the safety of the removal of my diagnosis. Remember earlier when I said I’d wait until this was all behind me and then tell the world? But then I realized something pivotal. This IS my story – the truth. The journey. I’m being called to share it NOW so others can see the power of the process. The immensity of the journey and the hope in the daily walk.

After reading through every single response on facebook my heart was overflowing with gratitude for the amount of people who reached out to me. I am so thankful for your continued prayers and support during this time in my life. One thing struck me as I read through the posts. After seeing so many people apologize, I knew everyone was coming from a genuinely loving place, but I realized I needed to tell everyone “Please don’t be sorry! I’ve never felt so alive, and so well. I’m healed and my body is making miraculous changes!” Rejoice with me that I’ve found myself and have been gifted with courage and love from within.  

I hesitate to call myself Brave because I associate it with “acting brave” when I’m really feeling scared. I’ve always been able to harness my inner “Elle Woods” and act as brave and confident as I’ve needed to. But now. Now I don’t need to act brave at all because from the inside out – I am fiercely courageous. I have a confidence that resonates within every single cell of my body that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt just who I am. And I truly love the person I found. From my inner self I have a confidence and love no one could pretend to portray – and THAT is what heals and changes people. I don’t have a plan for this blog. Initially I just wanted to ‘share my story’. I work every day at BEING the person I am meant to be, and spend lots of time taking really good care of this innately genius physical body. Today’s post delved into where I’m at today… so from here – let’s take a step back in time and I’ll lead you down the windy road that brought me to this point.

Today is meant for fearless greatness from within. What amazing things are you allowing to take place in your life today?