Dr. Snip

I’m a planner. I’ve always had a tidy little planner with boxes and highlights, different color coded memos, running To Do Lists, and sparkly stickers for the days I work out. It’s just WHO I am – and I rather like it that way. None of this was in my plan. My 2017 was supposed to look like: New pretty office space, VBAC like a boss, Love on my baby until it’s time to save some more lives, Start up BIRTHFIT and grow the mom-bond in my community, Enjoy my family all whilst gradually planning when I’d convince my husband that it was all so much fun we should probably have baby #4 and start the whole damn thing over again. The Elise that I know just loves creating a plan, and watching it play out like a well-orchestrated masterpiece. Until – Cancer.

HA.

God was like, “Remember when you told me you’d do anything for me. That this was MY plan, and that you were going to say Yes to whatever it was I have in store for you… Well, you did. And it’s all going to be okay. Trust me, but you’re in for a bumpy ride!”  

I continue to learn more about myself than I ever knew there was to learn.

Recently, I’ve been kind of a hermit. Things have been going really well, and I’ve been taking time to give myself what I need and putting everything else down for a moment. I’ve been on top of my nutrition. I have a well thought out rhythm to my day that doesn’t feel stressful, but allows me to get all my self-love therapies in, as well as exercise and become mindful in even the craziest of moments. I don’t feel like I’ve got cancer. I feel like I’ve finally given myself the type of love and devotion I’ve been craving for years. It feels so good to let some things go, with no guilt or shame, and enjoy a cup of tea while I listen to the rain, and watch my kids play and argue together. I love each moment just the same. Or let my husband do the kid thing (in the crazy way he does) and give myself time to unwind and get re-centered. It almost feels wrong to tell people I’m healing from cancer, because I don’t appear or feel like a sick person at all. So their facial expression often looks scared, unsure of what to say, and unsure of how to react. I remind them, I’m ok. I am taking care of my body the way it was intended, and I feel amazing as I’ve watched this healing journey take place. One of the things I focused on was truly having gratitude for as many things all day as I possibly can. I started with journaling 3 things each day that I am grateful for… and it turned into embracing gratitude in every moment of my day, for even the most challenging of situations.

Back to my Plan. My husband has always and forever been my support system. He has never questioned me for my healing choices and has always taken the brunt of most peoples’ questions. Recently he had a plan of his own which absolutely devastated me. I am happier than I could have imagined with our family of five, despite all the changes to the way life looks these days. But I have always said if we have three kids, I want to have 4, because I don’t want anyone to feel left out. I just always saw myself with 4 kids. The transition to having three was pretty seamless in the beginning, and I never shut the door to more kids, just thinking it would play out the way it was supposed to. Brandon always said he wanted two children… and it took several months of convincing to get Daws Baby approval. Eventually, I think I would have been ready to say “maybe there is no Baby #4 in store for us,” but recently, and very abruptly, Brandon had a gut feeling and a sense of urgency that NOW was the time to visit Dr. Snip. Yep. He scheduled a vasectomy without telling me. Once he had told me it was on the books, he had the procedure done, without my support. He was adamant that it needed to happen now. He couldn’t explain just why. Despite my disapproval with the situation he was still certain that a vasectomy needed to happen. He even told me it was okay for me to be mad at him, bracing himself for the emotions that were going to follow. He had an inner knowing that this was his next right step…

I was crushed. Every hope and dream I’d once had could no longer exist. My thought of “when I’m better and this is all behind me I can return to my once perfect plan” was gone. Even if I didn’t want another child, the chance and opportunity to make that choice down the road was taken from me. I literally cried so hard I wondered if I would ever stop. This was the end of an era… the end of my childbearing years, which still seems surreal to me. You see, pregnancy, birth, children – they make me feel whole. I love everything about the process and the woman it turns you into. Part of me felt very betrayed. So many women seem so nonchalant about their husband’s Snip... but I just couldn’t get past it. I grieved the loss of that part of my life. I was angry at Brandon, angry at cancer because had I not gotten sick he might not have chosen to take these steps, and in a way I was devastated at the completeness of my family, even though I was completely content with where we are. It didn’t feel fair that I didn’t get to experience the choice of when our family began (as Harper was a welcomed surprise) or ended (as Brandon made that choice before I was ready). It was absolutely one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with on a personal level. But you know what? I made it through.

I allowed myself to feel the feels, accept my grief, love myself for the loss I had experienced, and I came out on the other side – still alive. And still whole. You see, whether he did it now, or waited until Dawson was a year old like I had requested – I would still* need to process those feelings. No matter how long I wanted to push those feelings off, I still owed it to myself to honor those feelings and love myself through it.

Again: Mind. Blown. I had no idea I was so capable of moving through such a challenge. I had no idea if the tears would end or if my shattered plans would ever feel settled again. Until I realized it’s not about me or my plans. It never was. I have listened for the way God speaks to me, and become in tune with trusting in the Lord. Never once did I expect the Lord to reach out to Brandon in a way that would both hurt me so badly, but also lead me back to trust and faithfulness in such a bold way. My plans have been thrown out the window, and I feel more free than I ever have.

On my walk yesterday, with every single step I said all of the things I am so grateful for at this moment in my life. I couldn’t stop. I’m grateful for the three beautiful healthy children I have. I’m grateful for a loving husband who allowed me to express my anger and sadness in the way I needed to. I’m grateful that I was able to experience severe sadness, anger, and let go of whatever future plans my mind had conjured up – and love myself through that process. I’m grateful that my husband gave me the opportunity to challenge myself in a way I didn’t know I was ready for. I’m grateful that, while it was not my plan or my choice, I can accept that it was never meant to be MY plan. I never expected to trust God in this way. Often when I am quiet, and asking to feel God’s presence, I’m looking for direction. Not once did I imagine that in those moments he was speaking truth into the heart of the one person I hold closest. And that while I might be challenged in a way I wasn’t sure I could come back from, it actually drew me closer to my true essence. It drew me closer to God, and ultimately, it drew me closer to my husband as well.

Healing is not about being perfect. It’s not about eliminating negativity or never being sad. It’s not about eternal positivity. It’s about recognizing your emotions for what they are, and letting yourself experience them to their fullest. Once you have, and that emotion has processed – it’s about loving yourself for having endured hard times with or without much grace, and loving the future you for knowing how truly capable you now are.

I see now that I have spent so much time focusing on positivity, love, and thankfulness, that I feared anger, sadness, and resentment. The FEAR of anger, sadness, bitterness, and grief was something I needed to embrace head on, and release with love. All of these feelings: joy, contentment, gratitude, sadness, anger, - they are neither good, nor bad. They are all an integral part of who I am, who we all are! It’s absurd to think in order to heal you can never be mad, or you can never be upset. The key is that once you experience the emotion for what it is, you do not stay stuck there. You move through the emotion and past it. You love yourself for allowing the Inner You to express your true essence, and become the love always were and always will be. As a Mom of little people, loving yourself can often be a huge challenge. There is a lot of room for judging yourself harshly, not feeling like you’re doing a good enough job, and never quite feeling like you’ve got it down. I used to be stuck here. I was the stuckest Mom ever, in this never ending cycle of Mom Guilt that ate at me. I have a strong willed child and for years I felt like I couldn’t connect with other moms because “I couldn’t do the gentle parenting thing right.” I was so hard on myself if I got frustrated, and often thought very little of myself even for valiant efforts in the parenting ring. I stuffed those feelings of frustration, sadness and anger down, trying not to acknowledge them, rather than expressing them. I know there are moms out there who know what I’m talking about: Avoiding play dates because of fear of judgement from other moms of how you handle the situation. Avoiding Mom’s Night because it was easier to stay home than compare their Pinterest projects to my hot mess express… I’m not saying this for sympathy or recognition – I’m saying this because I know there are moms out there that feel the same way I used to. This is not a place you have to stay, or should dwell in. This is a chance for you to acknowledge the efforts you give, and the love you give your kiddos, and then take a step back and say “Today is for me. Today I’m going to choose to love me. First. I’m going to forgive myself for unattainable expectations, and love the way I Mom, Today.”  

I realize now that part of why I love pregnancy so much is the love I give myself during that time. I love my changing body and embrace my curves with abandon. I take myself shopping to dress that beautiful glowing body in a way that makes me feel radiant. I take time for myself to journal, walk, relax, and be still. I say no to things because I don’t want my plate too full. I take time to spend one on one with my husband, and time to be extra grateful knowing that our lives are going to change in a matter of months. There is a greater trust I have knowing that boy or girl, my heart is going to explode with more love than I had before. I SEE why I love that part of my life, and why I was so crushed when it came to an end. But my best friend pointed out a great truth: The love I give myself during pregnancy doesn’t have to end once the baby is born. And it doesn’t have to end now. I do all of those things and more these days – and my cup has never felt more full. What have you done today, to fill your cup? What have you done that makes you feel alive? Whether you are pregnant, postpartum, or trying your hardest to conceive that baby you know is waiting for you – I encourage you to have grace for yourself today. Feel all the feels. Be still. And give yourself love.