Have
you ever said anything deeply profound and meaningful, but not realized it at
the time you said it? Through this process I have come to find that there is an
innate wisdom that comes shining through when I connect my awareness to the
heavens. When I listen with my heart instead of with my mind – answers are
given. The fun part of these answers are that often times I blurt things out,
and have no idea the immensity of the thought until months later when I
realize, “See, I knew it all along? I just had to listen to myself….”
When
I was first diagnosed with stage 3 triple negative (very aggressive) breast
cancer not a single medical doctor asked me WHY I thought I had gotten cancer.
In fact, they told me it was random chance. They were certain that it must have
been genetic, being that I was so young.
Well, it’s not genes. And it’s NOT random – none of this is random
chance. It was one of my biggest personal victories to find out that I am not
flawed, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my genome… in fact it’s quite
perfect. Now that’s kind of sexy! Worthy
of adding to my ‘strengths’ column for sure. My answer when natural doctors and
my reiki master had asked me what I thought caused my cancer was “I don’t know!
I’m like the healthiest person I know. I think there is a really big emotional
component, but I just haven’t quite figured it out.”
Boom.
Innately
I knew. And so began, the biggest healing journey I’d ever go on. A journey
inward, of watching my physical body change as I allowed my emotional and
spiritual side to heal and grow.
Through
this process I have struggled with focusing all of my energy on healing my
physical body, pushing my body to the max with supplements, daily therapies,
teas, remedies, etc. I had wanted to DO everything I could so I could say that
no matter what I tried my hardest to heal my body. It literally became my life –
I was defined by the millions of things I was trying to do to enhance my body’s
healing. I was unable to do things that were once very fulfilling and gave me
life… in order to save my life. Then I kept coming back to the fact that our
bodies are innately intelligent, they are designed to heal and they need no
help... just no interference. (Physical, chemical, or emotional.) I’ve gone
through ups and downs of feeling incredible, and feeling downright miserable.
My goal was to spend 3 months of ‘hard core’, no loose ends, balls to the walls,
every therapy imaginable, and then get a repeat of my blood work to see how
well my efforts worked.
That
should have been my first clue. MY PLAN. My goal. MY work. It’s bigger than that.
I should have known, it’s so much bigger than the physical Me.
To
my dismay, I went for the blood draw after my 3 months of hard work and the one
test tube that was sent in the kit didn’t have enough vacuum seal to draw
enough blood to send in. I couldn’t get my test done. I was frustrated I couldn’t
get my answer or my ‘all-clear’. I was upset that after all of that hard work I
couldn’t see exactly where I was to see if it had paid off. Something in me was
a little relieved. I thought “it’s meant to be. I will just relax a little bit,
I’ll do what I can, but we have a trip to Hawaii coming up and I will just get
my blood drawn when I get back.”
Honestly,
from all the work I’d been putting in to help support my body I was pretty
burnt out. I wanted a break from having cancer. I wanted a pass on doing all
the DOING I had been doing every single day and the added stress it put on me.
I wanted a break from the expectation of missing time with my friends and
family so that I could ‘give’ more time to myself. I was looking forward to
getting those results, telling me I was cancer free – but then I realized, if
that’s what they said I would continue holding myself to those standards, and
for how long? The fear of ‘How long am I going to have to continue this regimen?”
set in, because if those actions were what had gotten me well, I don’t think I’d
have let up one stitch.
We
spent 8 incredible carefree days in Hawaii. I didn’t juice, but I found a great
juice bar that made the most decadent organic local fresh juices and raw
salads. My family and I would walk to the juice co each day for special treats.
We took early morning walks to a few of our favorite spots and watched that beautiful
sunrise over the beach. We found a quaint coffee shop, a hidden beach, and so
many treasured places I cannot wait to go back to. I didn’t eat a raw vegan diet – I splurged on the
freshest fish and the finest desserts. My mouth waters just thinking about it!
I even had a drink by the poolside and ate French fries with my kiddos after
swimming in chlorinated water – gasp! And here’s the thing: I have never felt
better! I never felt pain once. I didn’t feel sick at all. I don’t think I
brought up cancer one single time I was on vacation. I relaxed, I laughed, I
indulged. I watched my kids experience the ocean. I got quiet time to myself
with my toes in the sand. And every single day: I grew roots. I planted my bare
feet on that soil and imagined my roots growing deep into the earth because I
am here now. And I’m here to stay. I got a very clear message from God as I was
engrossed in the vitality of my vacation.
It’s
not about the juicing. It’s not about the exercise, the sauna, or the coffee
enemas. It’s not about the diet you choose, the right combination of
supplements or eliminating the right foods. It’s about loving yourself so much
that you’re willing to allow healing to take place within your soul first. It’s
about connecting to God and seeing God through you – and understanding that we
are all one.
This
brought me back to a message I’d received before I traveled to Colorado in
August of this year for our first ‘treatment’ experience:
The
treatment doesn’t matter. Whatever treatment you choose does not matter.
At
the time I was terrified and that message was less than comforting. I wanted to
know what the RIGHT path was. I wanted to know that the treatment I was
choosing would save my life. God told me then, and he told me again now that I
am saved. I am healthy. I am whole. And I am healed. That message is clear to
me today, but holds so much more meaning once I’ve experienced life the way I
have.
Our
amazing vacation eventually ended, and heading home felt right. It felt slow,
and connected. I was scheduled to re-draw my bloodwork when we got home. I had
zero anxiety about getting my blood drawn this time. I didn’t even tell anyone
I was getting the test run. I was very much at ease about knowing I am just
fine.
As
the week drew on and we were trying to get back into the swing of things I grew
more accustomed to my old lifestyle. I hadn’t done
anything for myself. No juice. No sauna. No me time. I was putting my kids’
every single need before my own. And I hadn’t taken any time to be grateful for
the life I’m living and slow things down to show myself love. It wasn’t
intentional at all, but very quickly I began to fall back into my old habits.
Part of me thought “It’s ok, I’ll get back to it soon enough – but it doesn’t
matter anyway, I can heal without a million therapies!” This was my way of
justifying not giving myself time or love, which I’m sure you can relate to. I
kept thinking, I’ll head down to the sauna tomorrow, I’ll just catch up on one
more thing around the house. The pendulum had swung in the opposite direction.
I had literally gone from one extreme to the next trying to find balance.
Trying to figure out what the rest of my life is supposed to look like. I
refuse to live my life as if I’m healing from cancer. I refuse to live my life
as if I’m broken and constantly needing to fix things. I went from doing a
million things to push my body’s function of detox and immune boost, to the far
end of the spectrum where I did literally nothing to support my body
physically, but I heightened my awareness. Now that I was home I felt like I’d
lost myself. It was time to get myself re-tested to see where my blood results
lied and time for me to decide what to make of each day.
I’d
be lying if I wasn’t super giddy and totally excited to find that my numbers
proved that all the LIVING I had done in Hawaii did nothing but help me heal
faster, but I was still unsure of what the answers would prove. I got my blood
taken and they overnighted it to the lab. I waited a few days, and when I impatiently
called the day before I should have heard any results the lab told me they had
never received my serum. What?? Are
you serious?? There had to be some mistake. I was supposed to get my answer. I’m
certain, I was supposed to joyously share the news with my family that I was
cancer free by Christmas. No, this was no joke. For whatever reason (still
unknown to me) FedEx rejected the package and it was never sent. I expected
reassurance that my magic number meant that the efforts I had once been so
diligent about making didn’t matter, and that I could live my life carefree and
still see positive movement.
Where
to start now? I went around and around about what matters, which therapies
might be of importance, and tried making a plan when I remembered God’s message
“It doesn’t matter which treatment you choose.” It was at this point I
recognized my feeling of ‘out of control’ did not come from my Lack-of-a-Plan,
it came from neglecting to give myself any time from the moment we got home. I
was right all along! It’s NOT about the enemas or the green juices.
·
It’s simply about
showing up for myself each day as the best truest version of ME that I can be,
and loving myself SO MUCH I give to myself each and every day. Give time. Give
grace. Give joy. Give laughter. Give permission to love and to be loved.
Do
you see it?
It
was never about having cancer in the first place. I used to be *obsessed with
living a healthy lifestyle. I used to take health so seriously and try so
vigorously to get my friends and family to care about living a healthy
lifestyle. It was never about becoming more obsessed with different ways to BE
healthy – it was about meeting myself on a new playing field. Life is meant to
be experienced as a means of embracing and expressing WHO we truly are, an
expression of God. It was never about me, it’s about everyone else whose life I
touch and the way in which I touch it – because we are all one.
The
continued ‘treatment plan’ I have chosen looks like a combination of everything
I’ve learned in the past 6 months, but mostly it looks like an unregimented
guide to giving to myself
every single day. This includes time to myself, connecting with God, and
picking whatever it is I feel my body and soul needs in this moment. I’ve taken
several mornings to work out and sit in the sauna, while other mornings I have
chosen a different therapy of choice for an hour or so. Some mornings I’ve been
intentional about meeting a friend for coffee – yes, the sweet hot black nectar
of life is back in my hands am so so grateful for thoroughly enjoying every sip
in a good friend’s company. Here’s the kicker, I’ve also one nothing at all some
days. I’ve taken time in nature and taken time to breathe. I’ve maintained a
healthy diet and tend to make choices based on what will make me feel fulfilled
as opposed to feeling deprived of things. I make conscious choices out of love
and respect for my physical body, and take time to check in with the Big Me. I’ve
not felt guilty one time for choosing one thing over another, and in each part
of my day I give it my best to be completely present with myself. Allowing
myself time to heal and come back to my center. I know that healthy choices do
matter, and I still make healthy choices based on loving myself. But I do not shut
myself out from the world or keep myself from experiencing LIFE because the
reason we are here is to embrace all facets of living. My goal in writing has
never once been to lay out a plan for anyone to follow or share with the world
the answer to cancer. My goal was never to write a timeline showing all of the therapies
and how/when to introduce them because honestly, I had no damn clue how this
all works and surely no direction guide. All I know is that in some crazy
combination of the experiences I’ve had I figured out how and what feels like
LOVE to me. I figured out the amount of time I need to clear my mind and how to
breathe. (Which is so incredibly HARD with three little kids, by the way.) And
I’ve figured out how to listen to that inner guidance that wants so badly to
share the answers.
There
is a quote by Anita Moorjani that seems very fitting, “When you heal the
metaphysical you get a clear channel for what is right to heal your physical
body.”
I’m
certain that as long as my essence feels the warm embrace of my own light I can
share my light and love with others. Healing has taken place at each turn of
this journey. And look at that – I was right… there was some emotional
component, and I finally put my finger on it. We are ALL so much more than
these physical bodies. Whether it is cancer or any of the other hundreds of
dis-ease states our bodies might experience. Taking care of ourselves is so
much more than looking at the physical needs of this innately genius physical frame.
I am so grateful for the wake-up call I received. Knowing now, nearly 7 months
after I was diagnosed with cancer – it was never about the cancer. It was about
me waking up, and finding the inner Me. The Big Me. The bigness I felt within
is so beautifully powerful because it’s the interconnectedness of every single
part of the whole. And understanding that if you’re not willing to look within
yourself and see your role in your perceived reality, then your perception of
the world is lost. Nothing is as it seems. Remember when I told the doctors it’s
not random? I have come to understand and be grateful that all of this happened
for a reason.
For
the first time I am looking forward to the new paths I’ll discover and the continued
healing and growing that I know will take place. God was right. It does not
matter which treatment you choose. Because it is not the treatment that has
healed me. It is ME who has allowed love IN and by supporting myself this way I
do not forget who I came here to BE. For the longest time I looked forward to
the destination: the removal of my diagnosis. Now that I am truly living each
day as though I am cancer free, the journey itself looks a lot more like heaven
and experiencing life here on earth feels a lot more like a blessing.
In
this season of life, with little people looking up to you, so many of us put
ourselves last. So many of us moms choose* to fill others’ cup before our own
because at any given moment there are tiny humans demanding a trillion things
from you. “I want water. Not that cup. Where’s my straw? No! I said no lid, yes
ice. Why isn’t it cold? Where’s my snack? I need to poop. Come wipe me. I need
to tell you something. Smell my horse. Read to me? I love you Mom! Hold me,
Mama! She took my toy. Dawson ate my picture. Mom, mom, MOOOM!!!” With a baby
on my boob, grabbing a snack for this one, and cleaning up that one’s spilled
water… Ex.Haust.ING. Don’t get me wrong, my children are grateful, and they are
the lights of my life, but they incessantly ask for things and NEED things from
me, which can make it almost impossible for a mom to accomplish anything for
herself. There’s just something about Mom-life where you feel drawn to take
care of your babies first. There are a million requests and I do in fact say no
to a lot of them, but it’s hard. It’s hard to make time for yourself when the
tiny humans you love so much are demanding so much of your time. It’s hard to
remain centered when you’ve got tantrums flying and littles climbing the
curtains. #mommingainteasy
I
said something at the BIRTHFIT Summit on a Podcast last summer. I did not fully
appreciate my own insights, and I surely did not know the immensity of what I
was saying at the time: I said “You need to GIVE to yourself in a real true
way. Not by manicures and massages, but truly GIVING to yourself on a level
that makes you feel alive.” It was as if someone else had given me those words at
the time… because I have heard my own voice resonating those words every day,
ever since I said them. As moms we need to get to know ourselves from the
inside out. Love ourselves unconditionally, and stop with the crazy
expectations. We need to fill our own cups first by connecting with ourselves
during quiet moments so that when our kids get to volume 11 and crazy hits the
fan – we’ve got that sacred foundation of love that keeps the calm. This is a daily
practice, just like meditation, love is a practice that I pray each and every
person reading this decides to join me on.
When
we were in Hawaii we took the kids to none other than a Hawaiian Luau! The show
was fantastic, the food was incredible, and of course I spilled my drink all
over the table while parenting 3 over tired children who simultaneously needed
to potty, didn’t want to eat their food, and couldn’t decide if nursing would
distract him from the show. This is real life folks. But while we were there
Brandon insisted he wanted to buy me a pearl necklace as something to remember
and embrace our healing experience on this trip. He had picked one he liked, and
told me to pick any pearl I wanted. I wasn’t surprised that we had picked
almost the exact same pearl – a Tahitian black pearl in a perfectly imperfect
teardrop rounded shape. But what I was surprised by was the meaning behind that
specific kind of pearl that we had picked. Instead of my usual late night
facebook browse I decided to look up the meaning of this particular stone and I
found something magical:
What
I read stated that this stone allows one to open up and find the meaning and
purpose of ones’ true self. It’s believed to enlighten the mind and inspire
the mood, while helping learn to love oneself more. In turn
helping to love others more as well. Whoa. If that wasn’t a great piece to wear
and remind me of this journey and remind me to be true to my purpose I don’t
know what is!
As
we came to the end of our amazing family getaway my heart had never been so
certain that all is as it should be. I’m healed. I’m whole. I’m happy. It might
have taken me some back and forth, some wading, some testing new waters once we
returned home, but that’s what life is all about, right? It’s about finding
balance and living out of love. I’m so grateful not only to have had the life
changing experience of getting and BEATING cancer, but to continue to live life
at such a high vibrational resonance. To help others experience love this way,
and to cherish the rest of my life.
(*For
the record: I will in fact have some tests or images run at some point – and I’ll
let you know when that magic # appears, but for now – God let me know that I’m
healed, and it’s a beautiful thing to live life Cancer Free.)
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