...just one more little challenge!

10 days ago, I published a blog post that I now realize was intended for me to read more so than to write. It was the anniversary of me finding out I had cancer, for the first time. And as much as I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I was done and beyond that milestone in life – it is still something that rears its majestic head at me time and again. 

I’ve spent the last 4 months diving into the unknown. I looked into the deepest parts of my soul, and who I Am. Who I am in relation to God, to myself, to my experience and my purpose here. I looked at my contribution to that experience and looked at where I had my hand in the cause in relation to my outward expression of life. For example, when my kids are crazy and I want to scream I looked at who I was being in those moments and who I could BE differently to experience their crazy in a new way. I typically still end up screaming, but I no longer lose myself. And by acknowledging who I am bringing into every situation at least it doesn’t eat away at me and cause (as many) feelings of guilt, frustration and anger. But in this, I have looked at my relationship with people who drive me insane and people who fill me with joy. I have looked at my career path. I have looked at my marriage and my finances. I have looked at my role as a mother and envisioned how my presence molds their experiences. I’ve looked at so many different aspects of life and rather than accepting what I was given I’ve tried to look within to see who I am bringing to the table.  But let me bring you completely up to speed – Let’s go back 6 months ago.  

Back in December I was taking a bath and I received a message - you know, one of those messages from God. I clearly understood that “You will be OK, but there is one more challenge ahead of you.” Secretly hoping it meant I'd miraculously get pregnant again, I had a sinking feeling and knew it wasn't such an easy challenge. Fuck. Over and over again, I heard that I will be OK, but I knew something was coming. Near the end of December I was exhausted, depleted, and I had a craving to spend more time with my kids. This was odd for me because typically spending all day with my kids would drain me - but I had a calling that felt so pure. I just wanted all three of them on my lap at all times! I needed their giggles, and I wanted their company even in their chaos. I struggled with this because I felt I was being drawn to leave my practice and stay home with my kids full time, but I also loved our nanny who had grown to be family. Over the course of the next month, I spent a lot of time tuning in. I listened to the signals of my body, I dove in to having time with my children. I couldn’t shake the thought of my armpit feeling tight and swollen, It felt like I had a toothache in my armpit. Early Feburary I said to my husband, I know I have cancer. I can feel it in my lymph nodes - I want to get it checked out. While he didn’t feel what I felt, he trusted me and I went in to see my primary care doctor. She palpated around and even she thought it could just be scar tissue. My best friend was very supportive in this time, but also doubtful that any cancer could grow in such a healthy minded person who had already renounced all illness. She’d reassure me that I was just fine, but only I knew the dwellings of where my mind had gone over the last couple of months. 

The day before Valentine’s Day (which also, just so happens to be my favorite late Gram’s birthday) I had all three of my kiddos tagging along for what I now realize was a pivitol appointment. I took them out for a special treat at our favorite co-op, then got them all settled in to the office watching a show on my phone while I sat there and listened to the diagnosis given by the Nurse. Metastatic Breast Cancer to the Lymph Nodes. 

I can’t say I was shocked, but it hit me in the gut. It was confirmation that I was right. At the time, I felt like saying to those closest to me “See!? I knew it! I’m not crazy, I know my body.” But instead, I drove to my husband’s office where he was now on break… and I folded forward, completely unable to bear weight. I had a full blown panic attack for the first time in my life. I wasn’t sure if it was a heart attack or an asthma attack, but my back seized up and I couldn’t breathe. I was sure my body was trying to kill me right then and there. My kids were running around playing, unaware of what was happening. My husband was standing there offering a hug and to hold me up - but I felt side swiped. I could breathe out but I couldn’t breathe IN, my breathing IN is what saves me and it was completely locked up. I panicked more, but the only way I could breathe was to sob uncontrollably, because when I was crying I was able to take a small breath of air in to let more tears out. There was no vindication in knowing I was right, in that moment. I just wanted to get off the rollercoaster ride. I took my husband’s advice and I let myself cry. I let myself process all of the things for as long as I needed. I called my mom to come over that afternoon and just sit on the couch to do nothing with me. She’s good at just BEing with me, not trying to fix it, but just allowing time for being. She didn’t panic. For the first time since the original diagnosis, I felt like I was able to let my gaurd down. I felt like I was able to look at my mom, sit next to her, and ask her to tell me it was all going to be OK. I felt like I didn’t have to hold the roof up anymore, because my inner knowing knew it would be ok to ask for love and compassion from those around me. Whoa. I slept like a rock that night. 

I let it all sink in. I allowed myself to explore the depth of the emotions. For a split second I thought to myself “Do I need to go vegan? I better gear up the sauna and coffee enemas again…” But that thought quickly subsided when I reminded myself: It’s not about the therapies. It never was. I asked myself if I felt like I needed any treatment, and went through a couple of options I’d had tucked in my back pocket. But there was something in me just saying “I could do that. I could spend all the money traveling around to do all the treatments holistic or otherwise, but it won’t matter… Treatment isn’t going to be necessary.” I have to admit, this thought even made ME think I was a bit crazy… but I went with it. If there’s one thing I learned, it is to honor my intuition and just let it ride. If you are okay in this moment, then stop and listen. Allow your truth to be made known. I found myself, rather than feeling sorry for myself or worrying - I found myself lighting up with this amazing power. Because it was in this moment, the moment of my second diagnosis that I realized my true potential. I realized my acutal creative power in every instance over my physical expereince. It allowed me to take a step back, and look at my experience from the outside in. I am completely aware that nothing comes to be but first through consciousness. Meaning, that it first must be acknowledged in consciousness before it can come to be in our physical dimension. I have hundreds of examples of this in my past 30 years of existence. When I come across a new concept to me, I usually gage whether or not it feels right. Does it resonate with me? And if it does, I look for evidenciary support… is it true? Has it been true in my own life? Can things be true without your awareness of them working this way? Of course. Take for example my dream practice coming into fruition, relatively easily. I did nothing but doodle pictures of what I wanted to see and fall asleep every night vividly imagining every detail of how I would decorate and what the space would feel like. Without planning a specific timeline or ‘plan’ the exact picture of what I’d dreamt up came true! I coudln’t explain it at the time, other than my husband telling me I had ‘a gift of making shit happen!’ Or how about the way I envisioned ending up with the  love of my life. (*Our love story is a real doozy, and super cute - I'll share that sometime!) But here is a hint, it involved lots of day dreaming, and a couple years of manifestation on his part! :) Or how about us purchasing our dream home that fits us perfectly... everything just fell into place when it needed to. At the time, I’d do my best to take the things within my control, make a to do list and follow everything to a T in order to see things play out. But now I see that more importantly, I dreamt them up, visualized it, and watched it manifest itself into being.  

What about the ‘unplanned’ things in life? Are we just as responsible for those happenings? I think about the ‘surprise’ arrival of my first daughter. As unplanned as her pregnancy might have been, I desperately wanted her before I ever found out I was pregnant. It makes no sense because the timing of it was not perfect, and the stress involved with that entire year was out the roof… but I remember telling a co-worker at my first job out of chiropractic school, “I am so excited to have a child. I don’t know why, but I can’t wait for the way she’ll change my life.” She probably thought I was crazy, but now I’m starting to see a trend in the crazier others think I am, the more aligned and connected I truely am to the divine. Just a couple of months later I’d found a new job I liked a lot better, and I was pregnant with my first baby… a girl, who has in fact, challenged and changed my world in every single aspect I could ever imagine. 

I remember being in a Bible study in February of 2017. They had asked if we knew God’s purpsoe for us. Of course, the only thing I knew was the career I had chosen. I confidently said “My hands, God’s plans!” thinking my purpose was to use chiropractic and talk about healthy living with people of my community. It’s funny because later in that Bible study the idea of letting go of our to do lists was brought up. The thought of allowing God’s plan to play out instead of constantly DO’ing in order to have it your way was introduced to me. At the time, I said “But I love my to do list… I make lists of lists!” and it was incomprehensible to me that I’d live my life without a timeline and a plan. Little did I know that a few months later my world would get SO completely rocked these EXACT concepts would be exactly what I’d be coming to terms with and facing on a deeply purposeful level. I’d be silly to think that these events were not all connected and stupid to disregard the higher calling of my soul’s intention to be here. Sometimes I look back and think God has quite the sense of humor. The things that were brought to my attention in the past, and the way they come FLASHING back into my life later… as if to say “You asked for a burning bush, Elise. ;)”  

So how about now, taking responsibility for what some might consider to be another devastating dianogsis. I mean, Metastatic Cancer doesn’t exactly have a sexy ring to it. Was I capable of creating this in my own body? The doctors had told me, afterall that it was a 100% chance of recurrence in the lymph nodes. I could have blamed them, I could have shifted my current experience to someone else’s fault and said “They put it in my head, of course it came true!”… but it was no one but myself who internalized that into being. You see, I knew being in my practice was not the right calling for me. I'd been called to step away before having my mastectomy surgery and felt absolutely amazing when I was healing in those following months.  I felt better than I had in years. And when I went back to work in the fall, I was immediately sick, really sick. I never increased my office hours because the two short hours a week I was working brought me to my knees. My entire body was in so much pain I'd spend days in bed. I'm not very good at lying, and when my patients would excitedly welcome me back, asking how I was feeling it took everything I had not to spill my guts and walk out of the office. I allowed this feeling to consume me. I assumed the FEELING of the recurrence of cancer before it had set in. Every moment of every day my thought patterns surrounded the inevitable. Worrying about how I felt, trying to will my way through and make the pain go away. Worrying and hoping that I wasn’t feeling my lymph nodes enlarging, then palpating and feeling for the evidence of what my thoughts were perteptuating. Can you see what happened here? I spent 2 months putting all of my effort into trying to convince myself I was ok, while also *assuming the feeling of cancer returning*. It does not matter if it is a fear or a desire. It does not matter if you want it or don’t want it. Your physical world has zero to do with what you want or will, and everything to do with what you believe to be true. Everything. Now this might be hard for some people to conceptualize, because it involves you taking responsibility for your inner most thoughts, your deepest fears and desires. It holds you accountable for your current state of reality because you are in fact creating it with every single thought you invoke. What you beLIEVE, you beCOME. It’s not what you want to see happen, or what you wish upon a million stars - that is all in vain. When you pray, do not pray to an outside God greater than you hoping to serve your wishes… when you LIVE you are praying. Every moment of every day, the thoughts you allow into your consciouness and what you choose to BELIVE and hold fast to - THAT becomes your reality. Don’t get me wrong. This is no easy feat. It takes every milisecond of every waking and non-waking hour to become aware and conscious of what you are feeding your brain. I used to think the body was such an innately genius creation of God, but now I look at it as a little bit more of a machine on auto-pilot. The physical body itself is only carrying out exactly what it’s being told to do in every moment of the day. It is the psyche - the soul - the spiritual self that constitutes the being in which we are, and the physical body is a very small percentage of who that is. It is simply a reflection of our internal state. If it is nothing but a reflection, then recognizing your immense creative power and control over what you allow into your senses is massively empowering!!!

As I was digesting all of this, I recognized that I am not sick. I’m not a sick person who needs saving. In fact, I’m imensely powerful, and honing the skill of that creative ability takes a lot of quiet intention and focus. I said to myself, “I imagined this into happening, and relatively quickly! I can just as easily imagine it into un-happening. I’m going to move forward seeing myself as well. I’ll experience myself as a woman who healed herself from cancer, and then it will have just… gone away!” I spent the next 2 months straight working on this. Studying, applying, failing, getting back up, regressing, believing, not believing, being shaken to my core, and then finally, coming into my power. The truth that resonates within is so powerful that not a single person or thing in this universe could convince me otherwise. Because I knew I was on to something a little, different, should we call it… I told as few and as little people as I possibly could about the most recent diagnosis. 

I didn’t want anyone to put the energy into the universe that they felt sorry for me, worried about me, or saw me as sick. That was really hard. I’d venture to say I only know a handful of humans who are even willing to look at life from my perspective, and the rest of them have delicately placed me into the ‘crazy’ pile. So, I was choosey aboout who I let into my circle. I asked those who I told to support me in a beautiful way. I asked them to take time out of their day to thank our creator for bringing me insights. I asked them to show gratitude for my wellness, and celebrate my health. Lastly, I asked them to visualize me coming to them in person, hugging them, and telling them “I’m cancer free! All the cancer just… went away!” THAT is prayer. THAT is manifesting truth into being. And feeling genuine gratitude for what God is capable of in our lives is the most pure and radiant type of energy I've ever felt. 

The purpose of the recurrence was for me to fully grasp the complexity of the ability of my creative power over my life. It was for me to trust God on a whole new level to lead me in a direction that will not only save my life, but change the trajectory of my entire purpose in being. To speak his truth to the hearts of others as it has been spoken to me. In seeing this big picture event, I no longer felt like a victim but felt powerful AF. I embraced this amazing role and felt like I could make anything happen! 

Two weeks later I had a brand new diagnosis, no plan, our nanny quit to take on a different full time job, I effectively became a full time stay at home mom, and I simply walked the fuck away from my only known source of income... When I say it out loud like that, it kinda sounds crazy. While every aspect of my life felt like 'shit was hitting the fan' - it all felt right. None of these changes were easy for me, but I found strength in allowing myself to fully feel all of the emotions of the changes. 

This quote from Dr. Joe Dispenza in Becoming Supernatural fit my life perfectly:

"Get ready, because certain areas of your life may fall apart. But don't worry. That's supposed to happen because you're breaking the energetic bonds between yourself and your same past reality. Anything that is no longer a vibrational match between you and your future is going to fall away. Let it. Don't. try to put your old life back together. You're going to be way too busy with the new destiny you're calling to yourself." 

To appease my husband and everyone who had thus far supported all of my holistic attempts at healing, I took a week to go down to MD Anderson in Houston. Even my naturopath was begging me at this point to try medical care. They were hoping we would be snuck through some back door into the rooms where they keep all the newest highest tech treatment options like t-cell therapy, or immunotherapy, or magic that uses your own immune system to turn back online. They were hoping for some real top notch recommendations with a good prognosis. I agreed to go. I agreed to any and all testing they wanted to perform (knowing in my heart that no matter what I was going to be ok.) I’ll give you three guesses as to what the recommendations were, the ONLY options they would give me were: Chemotherapy (lots of it), Surgery (all the lymph nodes) and Radiation… likely followed by more chemotherapy. Keeping in mind that I was one of the youngest, and by far healthiest patients I’d seen in that massive hospital - the prognosis was still only 28% chance survival rate if I did everything they asked me to. They didn’t know what to make of me. It was almost as if the oncologist had never been told ‘no thank you’ before. I went in for an ultrasound and the tech said to me “I hear you’re the one who refuses to do any medical treatment…” I must have made a name for myself. I had a feeling this conversation wasn’t going to be productive, so I was short with her. I just said, “That’s right. I’m not interested in conventional medical treatment.” She leaned in and whispered to me that she is a cancer surviver herself. She said if she was ever faced with the choice again, she’d refuse all medical treatment and heal her body naturally. She had non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma 10 years ago. She told me she did all of the chemo they recommended, but it was the radiation that ruined her. She told me that I’m very brave and she admires my strong will. Wow, I was pleasently surprised by her honesty and support.

When I returned home, I met with my regular oncolgist. This is always a testament to how I handle my own personal power. I spoke with him for a long time about options, and he gave his recommendations… but at the end of the day I felt confused and scared again. I felt the pull of people pointing at me, telling me what they think they know about me… compared to the inner pull of me knowing my own heart and my own truth. I have to say, I was pretty shocked that even this late in the game I was so shaken up by meeting with a white coat who told me what my dismal outcome would be if I didn’t do everything he told me to. It took me a while to get back up on my feet. Physically, I felt fine, but I was waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety. My chest would get tight and I wasn’t able to breathe. I’d lay there fearing the worst, and I’d resist all of the things I was afraid of. I’d imagine going through treatment that would bring me to the brink of my physical capacity of life - and it scared the shit out of me. I began getting anxious about everything. I couldn’t control anything in my life, and it all felt like it was tumbling out of control. I cancelled flights, I chose not to leave my house. I almost let it consume me. It took me a good week or two to even come back into my body and take that power back. Shit. If there is one thing I have learned but will continue to work on, it is Never. Give your power away. To Anyone! At least this time I could feel the grasp of my power slipping away and I recognoized the feeling of relying on someone else’s opinion of me for approval or survival. You know what I said to that? (*Two Middle Fingers.*) I looked that fear in the face and said “Nobody. Not a single person out there has the power to tell me what is going to happen in my life.” My 6 year old made me this card for Mother’s Day:

 “You can do eneething bcuse you are pawrfol” —> Can this be made into a card I send out to the masses!? We all need a little reminder that You can do anything, because YOU are powerful. Whether it is fear of death, fear of inadequacy, not measuring up, not being good enough… there is something we have all at some point in our lives fallen prey to allowing our power to be stripped away from us. When we believe what others think of us and internalize their thoughts of our truth - that is giving your power away. It can be done consciously, but when we don't hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts, is typically done unconsciously. 

If you for one second expect someone else to believe in you more than you believe in yourself all hope is lost. What matters is not what any one else thinks or expects but what YOU believe about The Who you are and your ability to create. The inner most voice, the utmost truth of the matter, the intrinsic thoughts your soul carries within: That is what determines your perspective and the way you experience your existence. Give that power away to NO ONE. There is no one to convince of your truth if you simply embody it the way you were meant to. What you believe you become. Do not rely on anyone else for validation or permission to BE the person you came here to be. And if you're still with me, and in the least bit intrigued it is likely because the light in you recognizes itself in the light shining through this writing. Truth sees truth.

Sheesh. I’ll tell you what. Embracing your truth and choosing to believe something about yourself that literally no one else will believe is no easy feat. In fact, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I just remind myself every day - You’ve proven them all wrong thus far. Yes, they might all think you’re crazy… but I’d rather be considered to be out of my mind, than a prisoner of it like so many others are. So I continued living my life. I laughed every day. I blasted music to dance to in the kitchen. I trusted my intuition. I took time every single day to sit and connect. I took time to allow God to not only speak to my soul, but time for myself to listen. I started working out, lifting real heavy weights and really sweating! I even started running, feeling genuinely strong and capable, and I started doing yoga regularly. I had challenges parenting my kids (now 2, 4, and 6), but loved them and myself throught it all. I accepted the unknowns and honored the time of contraction before the explosion of energy where the answers were given. When people say it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey… this is what they mean. If you can muster up any love and respect in regaurd to the hardest challenges thrown at you, then you begin to master the art of living. You see purpose in every single event, and understand that even with trauma comes a rebirth of more incredible and beautiful opportunity. I am telling you, I’ve felt sick before. I know what having cancer feels like. I had begun to feel SO good that there was just no way I could even believe the doctors when they told me I was in for trouble. 

It was time for another meeting with my oncologist. I’d just spent the last month of my life brilliantly shining my light and not allowing anyone to dull my spirit. I told my husband every day how great I felt, and I let him know that I was going to speak my mind to my oncologist. But as we approached my next appointment I wanted to prepare what I was going to say when he tried to talk me into chemo. He suggested I ask the doctor if I could just ‘watch and wait’… and I said, “Hell NO. I’m not going to speak in the terms that he wants to hear. I’m going to tell him exactly how good I feel and just where he can shove his recommendations!" We came to a happy medium. ;) By time we got in the office the doctor told me immunotherapy was not an optinon, and we discussed his adimate recommendations to begin chemotherapy as soon as possible. I looked straight at him, and said “I have to be really honest with you. I don’t think there is a single person that could possibly convince me that I am in the least bit sick, right now. There is just no way I can follow your recommendations. Never? (As I looked at my husband) Yeah, Never… I’d have to say Never is when I’ll take you up on doing chemo. It’s just not something I need because my body has already done the healing.” He was shocked, “Never!? Even if it spreads all over your body!?” Then I thought, well surely not if it spread all over my body - I’d be living it up in Mexico or living my last days out on the beach in Kauai. I asked him if he’d ever heard of German New Medicine. I explained to my doctor for the first time since I was diagnosed almost two years prior that I knew exactly why and how the breast cancer started. I explained that tissue changes happen as a result of an emotional conflict. This was big, he actually asked me what kind of emotional conflict I could have experienced in my young 30 years of life to create such a devastating response? I explained the difficulty of our daughter’s first year of life. The hardship my husband and I experienced in our relationship in the first year of our marriage - and I told him there was literally nothing to worry about with ‘metastasis to bone or lung’ because those are self-devaluation conflict and fear of death conflicts. 

Of course he looked at me like I was in-fucking-sane. But I had confidently shared my truth. My understanding. I told him that prior to my diagnosis I had literally not a single coping mechanism for stress. For as long as I could ever remember, I was constantly in sympathetic overdrive and I asked him, “How could someone who is bathing in cortisol and adrenaline 24/7 NOT get sick? That is a recipe for phsyical break down.” I told him that everything I do daily is not about healing my body, it’s about allowing myself time to settle into parasympathetic mode. It’s about recognizing my life’s stressors and adapting by disconnecting from all the outside garbage and activating my body’s true innate healing system through it’s natural function of parasympathetic dominance. It's about experiencing myself as the energetic being we all are and allowing emotions and movement to flow through me instead of constantly trying to control and restrain it. Whoa. For the first time I spoke respectfully, intelligently, and confidently to the white coat in front of me - and he asked me what I’D like to do moving forward. I wasn’t being told what to do, I was leading the way. I asked for a follow up CT scan 3 months from my last scan. And he agreed to further monitoring without treatment. Before I left that room, he asked me what I was going to do if the CT showed that it had gotten worse or bigger… I told him I’d meditate on it. ;) Then I asked him “But what will you do when the CT scan shows that it’s in fact gotten better!?” With a speechless response I left his office feeling empowered and on top of the world. 

...I'll get to the part I mentioned above, about needing to read my post from June 9 in the next post. That will come in the second half of this blog tomorrow morning! Much love!