2 Years have passed since my life took a turn I never expected. Two years ago, my life was changed forever. In the exact moment I was told I had cancer and all of the events that came to follow I knew I was in for it. I knew I had a big road ahead of me, but I had no idea how incredibly grateful I’d be for every step along the way, just two years later. When I think about the fear that I used to live in, it was debilitating. I look back thinking, “Was that ME? Did I stand up and face that fear!?” Fearing what other people told me about my future, giving the power of my belief over to other people as they estimated what they thought my outcomes would be. Fearing my children would grow up without a mother, I worried about trying to leave notes for the rest of their life for their care givers so they’d know that Harper is strong willed, but she really needs soft words to strengthen her spirit, and Blakely is a sensitive soul who needs encouragement in the form of thumbs up and empowering words – don’t call her cute because she is fierce! And while Dawson might tell you he doesn’t need any help he really wants to be picked up and hugged every single time falls down. Every time I sat down to write things out for my future motherless children I stopped myself, because I wasn’t going to let that be an option. There was no way I would ever physically write down instructions for a day I would no longer be around, because while cancer was in the cards, it was never meant to be the end of my story. Over the course of the first year I was trying not to drown. There was a pretty steep learning curve, but I was up for the challenge. I found incredible strength and really came into my own, living through the second year… I came to realize that while yes, fear is always an option - there is always, always a second choice. We’ve all got the choice to succumb to the unknown and freeze in the face of fear, or we can rise above, accept the challenge and grow to the potential your higher self sees in you. In the very moment that you are made aware of any new big, life altering event – you are ready. It IS your moment, whether you think you are ready or not. I’m not saying that devastation, heartache, hardships, and change are not difficult… but none of it comes without purpose. Over the course of the last couple of years I have had my moments of wishing it away, wishing it had gone according to my plan, avoiding the path I that was chosen for me because I wanted to succeed in a different plan – but when it all came down to it, those twists and turns gave me the biggest opportunity for growth. It forced me out of my comfort zone and instead of drowning, I chose to let the water carry me to some place I had never been before.
Reflecting on the last two years of my life, ‘grateful’ doesn’t even skim the surface of how incredibly lucky I feel to have had the chance to live this life. I am thankful for the fear, the pain, the unknowns, the hard, the breakthroughs, the joy, the empowerment, the golden opportunity to re-evaluate my life, its purpose and so thankful to CHOOSE what I’m going to live for. If I had never gotten cancer I could tell you how successful I would have been in my old life. I could tell you how I would have planned it out, and it would have been a relatively ‘easy’ life… but I would never have found the true purpose and meaning in my existence. While cancer is no longer a part of my daily struggle, it was the catalyst for my transformation. It was the extreme wake-up call I needed to open my eyes to so much more. More love, more life, more fulfillment of God’s promises, more yes to things that matter, more no to things that don’t, a deeper connection to myself, my creator, and our creation.
Two years ago, I put my game face on. I was determined to sprint to the finish line, and my husband was prepared for a marathon. None of this has been easy on either one of us, or our now 6 years of married life. But one thing is for sure, the people we have become together are who we were meant to be for the long haul of this incredible life. So much of the time was filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. Damn near all of it has felt like it was spent in darkness with little blips of light and glimpses into the end of the tunnel. What many people don’t know is that it didn’t come easily for me to look within. It was terrifying and difficult to hold space for healing and expect to see change that hadn’t occurred yet. Navigating life through the dark bits has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I did not do it alone. I had guidance from God, support from my best friend, my parents, my husband and love from the three best kids a mom could ask for. The darkness truly gave me the chance to transform. As a child I was terrified of the dark. The inability to see scared me because I was afraid of what was lurking in the shadows. As an adult, I forced myself to start to become comforted by the unseen. I practiced honing my ability to imagine all of the amazing things that COULD be rather than fearing the monsters that I was told were lurking in the darkness of ‘what would be’. What you imagine is always your choice. What you allow in to your consciousness becomes your reality, and once I realized the immensity of the truth behind this I saw the importance of becoming the gatekeeper to my mind. You get to choose what gets in and how it flourishes. Little by little, I began training my imagination to ignite a fire of limitless possibilities in which you can ONLY do in the dark. Think about it – if you are constantly faced with things you can see, you can be tricked into thinking those are your limits. When you are in the darkness and see no ceiling, you are able to rise higher than you ever knew possible. If you see what you think should already exist there, you leave no room at all for the gifts that are waiting for you beyond your current experience. While the darkness may be the hardest place for some people to sit, it can also provide the biggest canvas for growth and the most expansive arena for life to exceed your wildest dreams when you step into the light. June 9 will forever be a day I celebrate. It was the day I made the choice to live. It was the day I began the most incredible part of my life so far and the day I realized that everything was going to change. I am so fucking grateful – so amazingly thankful for where my life has led me, for the way I now see the world. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Cheers to You and Yours on this glorious day of new beginnings. May the next year bring more of the unknown and far exceed our expectations!
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