Pretty crazy, huh? I know… there’s been a lot goin’ down in the last few months. I’ve kind of been leading this double life. I just wasn’t necessarily ready to share everything with everyone all at once. I’d just been telling everyone, “Things are great! I’m just enjoying my kids. I’m taking time to slow things down and make myself a priority!” ßWhich is ALL true, but just not completely comprehensive! What I wanted to say was, “OMG, I discovered my own innate creative potential and saw myself through God’s eyes and can’t wait to change the trajectory of my life and anyone else’s life I touch…” buuuuuut I didn’t wanna freak anyone out. You know, baby steps. So here is my coming out. I NEED to share this side of the story because I have simply outgrown the person I used to be. I’ve changed in a way that deserves to be shared and honored for its own happening. And I’m now ready to share some of this windy road with so many of the people who have loved and supported me through all of it. I want to be transparent because while sometimes I feel incredibly empowered – I shouldn’t be shocked that along this path I have also hit some really fucking rocky times that shook me to my core… it’s not all rainbows and sunshine, which is why I felt like the post I wrote on June 9, 2019 about finding my light within the darkness was so telling. I had no idea when I sat down to write that blog post in the coming week I’d need to read it more than I needed to write it.  

Originally, I chose not to tell many people about this new discovery because I wanted time to sit with it. I wanted time to make it my own and not to have anyone’s input or pity. While many people would tell me they were so sorry, I was bursting with creative potential, telling them how incredible it was that if I could conjure up enough thoughts to implore the feelings of assuming a reality with cancer in it, I could just as easily do the exact opposite. Ammiright?? I soon came to find that (no matter WHO I was talking to) if I didn’t accept myself to be the craziest person in the room, then I was stuck with the limitations of other people’s beliefs – and that is nowhere good. So, when it came to denying the physical evidence before me and accepting a new unseen reality you might imagine that it took quite a bit of faith… one might compare it to the grain of a mustard seed. ;) I say it here, so briefly and simply, but it took every ounce of who I was to open my eyes to seeing myself in a completely new way. It is really, incredibly difficult to see with your physical senses something, right in front of your eyes, and to choose to look past it and SEE with your innate senses the truth of your being. It also took understanding and listening, so very intently – that the direction I was to go was going to lead me to a place I had never been because before now, I was simply not ready. 

I dug deep within. I started owning my power. That means, accepting my role in situations I deemed less than desirable as well as not believing what anyone else thought they knew to be true – but only believed what I DEEMED true about mySELF. I stopped looking for validation by anyone outside of myself.  (My husband, best friend, parents, doctors, anyone – zero validation from any outside source - This one, for me, was not easy.) I recognized the pure fucking magic that IS my true essence and I let it free. I believed, not in the impossible, but in my unlimited possibilities... I saw that if I was able to create this – then my creative power was WAY more powerful than I had ever given it credit for… and I chose to experience it for all that it was worth. 

I celebrated my life on my 2-year anniversary of the diagnosis and did all the things that make me feel alive!  I spent time alone, journaling, ate my favorite donut, had a juice and did some intense breath work. I spent time with my kids in the sunshine and watched them be kids. I let them be messy and didn’t rush anything that day. I went for a 6.5-mile hike with the love of my life, and POWERED my booty up that hillside. Damn, it felt good. Just one year before I remember telling Brandon I didn’t think I could make it to the top of the very same hill. I was afraid that if I’d kept going I’d make it, but at what cost? I had once feared the days of the recuperation a post-hike adventure would cost me, but not this time. This time we practically raced to the top. I felt invigorated. I was beCOMING what I beLIEVED to be true about who I was. All of these things proved to me how incredible and capable my physical body truly is

**This is where I needed to read what I wrote in my blog post on June 9. I unsuspectedly became a person I wasn’t quite ready to share with the world. I just jumped right in, doing things for my soul and self that felt so right I never thought about what ‘evidence of change’ might look like. But I was pretty on point when I wrote about finding my light in the darkness. You see, after decreeing who I Am, engaging in my breath work practice and embodying the essence of who I was sent here to be, my body did start to physically change. 

Almost immediately after stepping into this new role, and announcing it publicly. I started feeling really tired. Like, desperately tired. 'OK, I thought, No big deal. I'll give myself more rest.' The next day I noticed a fair amount of swelling in my armpit. Uh-oh. I tried ignoring it. (That never works). I tried stretching it. I breathed into it. I tried massaging it. I tried leaving it alone. The lymph nodes in my armpit became swollen and hot. They went from feeling like little hard jellybeans to golf balls overnight. I will be straight with you: It Scared. The. Shit. Out. Of. Me. I went from confidently shining my light to hiding out in a very scary place. Distracting myself all day with the busy mom life to avoid noticing any further changes. My mind went to a really dark place and every thought I had surrounded what would happen if my kids grew up without me. Fuck, here I was again fearing cancer taking over my body and dying before I was ready to leave. 

Then I remembered what the yogi instructor had said before I left my last class. She said “Be the gatekeeper of your mind. Be mindful of the intrusive thoughts that are trying to get in, and remember that you are the one who gets to allow certain thoughts into your awareness. Only allow what serves you, and release the rest.” At the time, I thought it was nice and I’d keep it in my back pocket… but in the coming days I found it impossible to put it to use. I acknowledged the discomfort and swelling, but it got to the point where I was trying to figure out the WHY. What in the hell? I have been doing all of the same things, why is my armpit so sore and painful? I still felt well and healthy but the lymph nodes themselves physically changing before my eyes made me re-evaluate what it was I was doing here. I re-traced my steps, and it became crystal clear what was going on. 

I was in real time bearing witness to my prophetic healing and allowing the shift to take place because I’d already become the person I claimed to be. 

SHUT the front door! I will say, this shift, this change was one of the HARDEST things I have ever overcome in my entire experience. Keep in mind I have no one running the show for me. I have no medical guidance or natural healing guidance from anyone outside telling me these things are normal, or not to worry… trust me, that’s exactly what I wanted in these moments. I wanted someone outside of me just to look at me and say “Good! That’s exactly what we expect and an in fact you are breezing on through this more quickly than we thought you would! Stay the course, you are doing great!” But I didn’t. I had me. And my journal. And the birds. The harder I fought the farther off any guidance felt. I suddenly couldn’t hear my inner voice and it got harder to breathe. My mind raced with worry for what felt like an eternity – but it was honestly just a few days of being lost in a rabbit hole. A dark, dark rabbit hole that I was afraid I’d never come out of. Until I read my blog from the prior week: “We’ve all got the choice to succumb to the unknown and freeze in the face of fear, or we can rise above, accept the challenge to grow into the potential your higher self sees in you. The darkness truly gave me the chance to transform.” At the time I wrote that I didn’t know how powerful the dark could be. I didn’t know I’d soon be in one of the hardest dark places I’d ever need to pull myself out of.

When looking for guidance, I sat down to write, and this is what was given to me: 

"I recognize that when things feel really fucking confusing and mucky and muddled – all the things that used to make sense now suddenly don’t – before hiding away in a very scary place… I remind myself, this is always what happens before things beautifully align. This is always the chaos that ensues before everything makes perfect sense again. This is always how I feel before I gain a larger understanding of what the big picture is. So just be with it. Let it be all that it is. Cry. Breathe. Yell. Breathe. Laugh. And Breathe. But do not doubt yourself. Never doubt yourself, because it’s the You that brought you to this point and the You that will see you through to your next grand adventure that trusts that you’ll experience every single moment of this journey for what it’s worth. This moment, as hard as it may feel, matters too." 

            Being the author of that quote, I’ll say it didn’t feel like it helped very much at the time! But in the place I’m in right now, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Exactly what I needed to believe. And exactly what I needed to share.  

All of these changes I’d made over the last couple of weeks – they were huge* energetic shifts, in which I had never so publicly decreed the truth of my being without giving two hoots about what anyone thought. And while I recognized the energetic shift going on, the physical changes that were to come were nothing I could have prepared myself for. When I recognized the physical changes happening within me, and decided it was my choice to accept the challenge and grow into the potential my higher self sees in me, I surrendered. I let go of the fear and the control, and I soon came across this quote.

“The very moment my claim is established to the point of conviction, that moment I begin to draw unto myself the EVIDENCE of my claim.” -N. Goddard. 

There it was. I realized that any physical shifting and changing was due to my intense internal shift of power and I began (for the first time in two years) to expect to see evidence of my claim. I’ll be the first to say that even if it is expected, huge changes can rock your world. They can still be unnerving – and even steer you off course if you let them. I continued feeling incredible, strong, happy, and triumphant. While I did feel physical changes in my armpit I never felt sick. I still had the same energy and vibrancy, and no pain like I used to feel when I was sick with cancer. When I put the pieces together it made so much sense it brought me to tears. I had spent all of my time BEING the person I love, BEING the woman who healed from cancer and lives her life as it was intended - then I CLAIMED it outwardly. I shared my message and my SELF with the world.

But, I did not do it alone. Instead of seeking validation from God, my husband, my best friend, my parents – I sought council. I sought tenderness. I sought love. I was met with reminders of my own strength and each one of them brought me back to things I’ve said in the past. Each one of them assured me that there is no doctor any of them would listen to, above Me: The doctor sitting in front of them. Wow. I had truly become who I believed I was, and in their own way each of the people I hold closest to me reminded me of who I am and gave their never-ending support so that I could fully step into becoming the next greatest version of myself. To be truly SEEN by the beings you hold dearest to you is one of the most powerful gifts in this earthly existence. And even in this most recent dark rabbit hole, I could not have stepped into my light, had it not been for allowing myself to be seen in the darkness. 

I woke up the next morning with more life and vitality than I’ve ever had. I looked myself in the mirror and thought ‘This is the reflection I’ve been waiting to see. There she is!” I chose to rise above the fear. I chose to let it go. To look at my reflection and see God’s perfect creation recognizing itself in another. I consciously CHOSE to SEE myself well despite any physical changes or manifestations of healing. It’s funny because just days before when I’d been pining for guidance, and begging for an answer – I heard nothing. When I let my fear go, and surrendered my life I was directly sent this message:

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I felt really strongly about sharing all of this. The ups, the downs. The good, the bad and the unexpected. Healing is not linear. Growth is not linear. Life… is meant to be LIVED, not planned. Whatever you are going through in life – recognize that the darkness is not meant to make you feel lost, it’s meant to help you grow. It’s meant to disguise the ceiling you once thought limited you, and allow you to rise higher than you ever knew possible. It does not mean it’s easy, or pretty. But giving yourself time and space to be open to guidance can look intensely magical. And then, before you know it, you’re on a walk, calling your friend on the phone being like “That was SO hard, but also so easy at the same time. I can’t believe I was so worried, because now I haven’t a care in the world!” It’s amazing how the perspective changes when your energy shifts.  

In this moment I still FEEL great, so I am choosing to SEE the greatness. I AM who decides how I will live my life every day. The divine light in me that chose to come here, show me my path, and help me step into the woman I was destined to become is a more powerful force than I ever could have imagined. The Who that I came into being brought me the insight of a master, the wonder and amazement of a child, and the determination of a warrior. I’d never have known my inner strengths without living the physical life I am living today, and without being given the chance to overcome the challenges set before me. The beauty of it all is that this strength and knowing lives within each and every single one of us and it is my true calling to share my experience with as many people as I can.

My husband sent me this picture, which touches my soul. I’m ready to bloom. 

“When you’re in a dark place, you sometimes tend to think you’ve been buried. Perhaps you’ve been planted. Bloom.”