Pretty crazy, huh? I know… there’s been a lot goin’ down in the last few months. I’ve kind of been leading this double life. I just wasn’t necessarily ready to share everything with everyone all at once. I’d just been telling everyone, “Things are great! I’m just enjoying my kids. I’m taking time to slow things down and make myself a priority!” ßWhich is ALL true, but just not completely comprehensive! What I wanted to say was, “OMG, I discovered my own innate creative potential and saw myself through God’s eyes and can’t wait to change the trajectory of my life and anyone else’s life I touch…” buuuuuut I didn’t wanna freak anyone out. You know, baby steps. So here is my coming out. I NEED to share this side of the story because I have simply outgrown the person I used to be. I’ve changed in a way that deserves to be shared and honored for its own happening. And I’m now ready to share some of this windy road with so many of the people who have loved and supported me through all of it. I want to be transparent because while sometimes I feel incredibly empowered – I shouldn’t be shocked that along this path I have also hit some really fucking rocky times that shook me to my core… it’s not all rainbows and sunshine, which is why I felt like the post I wrote on June 9, 2019 about finding my light within the darkness was so telling. I had no idea when I sat down to write that blog post in the coming week I’d need to read it more than I needed to write it.  

Originally, I chose not to tell many people about this new discovery because I wanted time to sit with it. I wanted time to make it my own and not to have anyone’s input or pity. While many people would tell me they were so sorry, I was bursting with creative potential, telling them how incredible it was that if I could conjure up enough thoughts to implore the feelings of assuming a reality with cancer in it, I could just as easily do the exact opposite. Ammiright?? I soon came to find that (no matter WHO I was talking to) if I didn’t accept myself to be the craziest person in the room, then I was stuck with the limitations of other people’s beliefs – and that is nowhere good. So, when it came to denying the physical evidence before me and accepting a new unseen reality you might imagine that it took quite a bit of faith… one might compare it to the grain of a mustard seed. ;) I say it here, so briefly and simply, but it took every ounce of who I was to open my eyes to seeing myself in a completely new way. It is really, incredibly difficult to see with your physical senses something, right in front of your eyes, and to choose to look past it and SEE with your innate senses the truth of your being. It also took understanding and listening, so very intently – that the direction I was to go was going to lead me to a place I had never been because before now, I was simply not ready. 

I dug deep within. I started owning my power. That means, accepting my role in situations I deemed less than desirable as well as not believing what anyone else thought they knew to be true – but only believed what I DEEMED true about mySELF. I stopped looking for validation by anyone outside of myself.  (My husband, best friend, parents, doctors, anyone – zero validation from any outside source - This one, for me, was not easy.) I recognized the pure fucking magic that IS my true essence and I let it free. I believed, not in the impossible, but in my unlimited possibilities... I saw that if I was able to create this – then my creative power was WAY more powerful than I had ever given it credit for… and I chose to experience it for all that it was worth. 

I celebrated my life on my 2-year anniversary of the diagnosis and did all the things that make me feel alive!  I spent time alone, journaling, ate my favorite donut, had a juice and did some intense breath work. I spent time with my kids in the sunshine and watched them be kids. I let them be messy and didn’t rush anything that day. I went for a 6.5-mile hike with the love of my life, and POWERED my booty up that hillside. Damn, it felt good. Just one year before I remember telling Brandon I didn’t think I could make it to the top of the very same hill. I was afraid that if I’d kept going I’d make it, but at what cost? I had once feared the days of the recuperation a post-hike adventure would cost me, but not this time. This time we practically raced to the top. I felt invigorated. I was beCOMING what I beLIEVED to be true about who I was. All of these things proved to me how incredible and capable my physical body truly is

**This is where I needed to read what I wrote in my blog post on June 9. I unsuspectedly became a person I wasn’t quite ready to share with the world. I just jumped right in, doing things for my soul and self that felt so right I never thought about what ‘evidence of change’ might look like. But I was pretty on point when I wrote about finding my light in the darkness. You see, after decreeing who I Am, engaging in my breath work practice and embodying the essence of who I was sent here to be, my body did start to physically change. 

Almost immediately after stepping into this new role, and announcing it publicly. I started feeling really tired. Like, desperately tired. 'OK, I thought, No big deal. I'll give myself more rest.' The next day I noticed a fair amount of swelling in my armpit. Uh-oh. I tried ignoring it. (That never works). I tried stretching it. I breathed into it. I tried massaging it. I tried leaving it alone. The lymph nodes in my armpit became swollen and hot. They went from feeling like little hard jellybeans to golf balls overnight. I will be straight with you: It Scared. The. Shit. Out. Of. Me. I went from confidently shining my light to hiding out in a very scary place. Distracting myself all day with the busy mom life to avoid noticing any further changes. My mind went to a really dark place and every thought I had surrounded what would happen if my kids grew up without me. Fuck, here I was again fearing cancer taking over my body and dying before I was ready to leave. 

Then I remembered what the yogi instructor had said before I left my last class. She said “Be the gatekeeper of your mind. Be mindful of the intrusive thoughts that are trying to get in, and remember that you are the one who gets to allow certain thoughts into your awareness. Only allow what serves you, and release the rest.” At the time, I thought it was nice and I’d keep it in my back pocket… but in the coming days I found it impossible to put it to use. I acknowledged the discomfort and swelling, but it got to the point where I was trying to figure out the WHY. What in the hell? I have been doing all of the same things, why is my armpit so sore and painful? I still felt well and healthy but the lymph nodes themselves physically changing before my eyes made me re-evaluate what it was I was doing here. I re-traced my steps, and it became crystal clear what was going on. 

I was in real time bearing witness to my prophetic healing and allowing the shift to take place because I’d already become the person I claimed to be. 

SHUT the front door! I will say, this shift, this change was one of the HARDEST things I have ever overcome in my entire experience. Keep in mind I have no one running the show for me. I have no medical guidance or natural healing guidance from anyone outside telling me these things are normal, or not to worry… trust me, that’s exactly what I wanted in these moments. I wanted someone outside of me just to look at me and say “Good! That’s exactly what we expect and an in fact you are breezing on through this more quickly than we thought you would! Stay the course, you are doing great!” But I didn’t. I had me. And my journal. And the birds. The harder I fought the farther off any guidance felt. I suddenly couldn’t hear my inner voice and it got harder to breathe. My mind raced with worry for what felt like an eternity – but it was honestly just a few days of being lost in a rabbit hole. A dark, dark rabbit hole that I was afraid I’d never come out of. Until I read my blog from the prior week: “We’ve all got the choice to succumb to the unknown and freeze in the face of fear, or we can rise above, accept the challenge to grow into the potential your higher self sees in you. The darkness truly gave me the chance to transform.” At the time I wrote that I didn’t know how powerful the dark could be. I didn’t know I’d soon be in one of the hardest dark places I’d ever need to pull myself out of.

When looking for guidance, I sat down to write, and this is what was given to me: 

"I recognize that when things feel really fucking confusing and mucky and muddled – all the things that used to make sense now suddenly don’t – before hiding away in a very scary place… I remind myself, this is always what happens before things beautifully align. This is always the chaos that ensues before everything makes perfect sense again. This is always how I feel before I gain a larger understanding of what the big picture is. So just be with it. Let it be all that it is. Cry. Breathe. Yell. Breathe. Laugh. And Breathe. But do not doubt yourself. Never doubt yourself, because it’s the You that brought you to this point and the You that will see you through to your next grand adventure that trusts that you’ll experience every single moment of this journey for what it’s worth. This moment, as hard as it may feel, matters too." 

            Being the author of that quote, I’ll say it didn’t feel like it helped very much at the time! But in the place I’m in right now, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Exactly what I needed to believe. And exactly what I needed to share.  

All of these changes I’d made over the last couple of weeks – they were huge* energetic shifts, in which I had never so publicly decreed the truth of my being without giving two hoots about what anyone thought. And while I recognized the energetic shift going on, the physical changes that were to come were nothing I could have prepared myself for. When I recognized the physical changes happening within me, and decided it was my choice to accept the challenge and grow into the potential my higher self sees in me, I surrendered. I let go of the fear and the control, and I soon came across this quote.

“The very moment my claim is established to the point of conviction, that moment I begin to draw unto myself the EVIDENCE of my claim.” -N. Goddard. 

There it was. I realized that any physical shifting and changing was due to my intense internal shift of power and I began (for the first time in two years) to expect to see evidence of my claim. I’ll be the first to say that even if it is expected, huge changes can rock your world. They can still be unnerving – and even steer you off course if you let them. I continued feeling incredible, strong, happy, and triumphant. While I did feel physical changes in my armpit I never felt sick. I still had the same energy and vibrancy, and no pain like I used to feel when I was sick with cancer. When I put the pieces together it made so much sense it brought me to tears. I had spent all of my time BEING the person I love, BEING the woman who healed from cancer and lives her life as it was intended - then I CLAIMED it outwardly. I shared my message and my SELF with the world.

But, I did not do it alone. Instead of seeking validation from God, my husband, my best friend, my parents – I sought council. I sought tenderness. I sought love. I was met with reminders of my own strength and each one of them brought me back to things I’ve said in the past. Each one of them assured me that there is no doctor any of them would listen to, above Me: The doctor sitting in front of them. Wow. I had truly become who I believed I was, and in their own way each of the people I hold closest to me reminded me of who I am and gave their never-ending support so that I could fully step into becoming the next greatest version of myself. To be truly SEEN by the beings you hold dearest to you is one of the most powerful gifts in this earthly existence. And even in this most recent dark rabbit hole, I could not have stepped into my light, had it not been for allowing myself to be seen in the darkness. 

I woke up the next morning with more life and vitality than I’ve ever had. I looked myself in the mirror and thought ‘This is the reflection I’ve been waiting to see. There she is!” I chose to rise above the fear. I chose to let it go. To look at my reflection and see God’s perfect creation recognizing itself in another. I consciously CHOSE to SEE myself well despite any physical changes or manifestations of healing. It’s funny because just days before when I’d been pining for guidance, and begging for an answer – I heard nothing. When I let my fear go, and surrendered my life I was directly sent this message:

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I felt really strongly about sharing all of this. The ups, the downs. The good, the bad and the unexpected. Healing is not linear. Growth is not linear. Life… is meant to be LIVED, not planned. Whatever you are going through in life – recognize that the darkness is not meant to make you feel lost, it’s meant to help you grow. It’s meant to disguise the ceiling you once thought limited you, and allow you to rise higher than you ever knew possible. It does not mean it’s easy, or pretty. But giving yourself time and space to be open to guidance can look intensely magical. And then, before you know it, you’re on a walk, calling your friend on the phone being like “That was SO hard, but also so easy at the same time. I can’t believe I was so worried, because now I haven’t a care in the world!” It’s amazing how the perspective changes when your energy shifts.  

In this moment I still FEEL great, so I am choosing to SEE the greatness. I AM who decides how I will live my life every day. The divine light in me that chose to come here, show me my path, and help me step into the woman I was destined to become is a more powerful force than I ever could have imagined. The Who that I came into being brought me the insight of a master, the wonder and amazement of a child, and the determination of a warrior. I’d never have known my inner strengths without living the physical life I am living today, and without being given the chance to overcome the challenges set before me. The beauty of it all is that this strength and knowing lives within each and every single one of us and it is my true calling to share my experience with as many people as I can.

My husband sent me this picture, which touches my soul. I’m ready to bloom. 

“When you’re in a dark place, you sometimes tend to think you’ve been buried. Perhaps you’ve been planted. Bloom.”  

...just one more little challenge!

10 days ago, I published a blog post that I now realize was intended for me to read more so than to write. It was the anniversary of me finding out I had cancer, for the first time. And as much as I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I was done and beyond that milestone in life – it is still something that rears its majestic head at me time and again. 

I’ve spent the last 4 months diving into the unknown. I looked into the deepest parts of my soul, and who I Am. Who I am in relation to God, to myself, to my experience and my purpose here. I looked at my contribution to that experience and looked at where I had my hand in the cause in relation to my outward expression of life. For example, when my kids are crazy and I want to scream I looked at who I was being in those moments and who I could BE differently to experience their crazy in a new way. I typically still end up screaming, but I no longer lose myself. And by acknowledging who I am bringing into every situation at least it doesn’t eat away at me and cause (as many) feelings of guilt, frustration and anger. But in this, I have looked at my relationship with people who drive me insane and people who fill me with joy. I have looked at my career path. I have looked at my marriage and my finances. I have looked at my role as a mother and envisioned how my presence molds their experiences. I’ve looked at so many different aspects of life and rather than accepting what I was given I’ve tried to look within to see who I am bringing to the table.  But let me bring you completely up to speed – Let’s go back 6 months ago.  

Back in December I was taking a bath and I received a message - you know, one of those messages from God. I clearly understood that “You will be OK, but there is one more challenge ahead of you.” Secretly hoping it meant I'd miraculously get pregnant again, I had a sinking feeling and knew it wasn't such an easy challenge. Fuck. Over and over again, I heard that I will be OK, but I knew something was coming. Near the end of December I was exhausted, depleted, and I had a craving to spend more time with my kids. This was odd for me because typically spending all day with my kids would drain me - but I had a calling that felt so pure. I just wanted all three of them on my lap at all times! I needed their giggles, and I wanted their company even in their chaos. I struggled with this because I felt I was being drawn to leave my practice and stay home with my kids full time, but I also loved our nanny who had grown to be family. Over the course of the next month, I spent a lot of time tuning in. I listened to the signals of my body, I dove in to having time with my children. I couldn’t shake the thought of my armpit feeling tight and swollen, It felt like I had a toothache in my armpit. Early Feburary I said to my husband, I know I have cancer. I can feel it in my lymph nodes - I want to get it checked out. While he didn’t feel what I felt, he trusted me and I went in to see my primary care doctor. She palpated around and even she thought it could just be scar tissue. My best friend was very supportive in this time, but also doubtful that any cancer could grow in such a healthy minded person who had already renounced all illness. She’d reassure me that I was just fine, but only I knew the dwellings of where my mind had gone over the last couple of months. 

The day before Valentine’s Day (which also, just so happens to be my favorite late Gram’s birthday) I had all three of my kiddos tagging along for what I now realize was a pivitol appointment. I took them out for a special treat at our favorite co-op, then got them all settled in to the office watching a show on my phone while I sat there and listened to the diagnosis given by the Nurse. Metastatic Breast Cancer to the Lymph Nodes. 

I can’t say I was shocked, but it hit me in the gut. It was confirmation that I was right. At the time, I felt like saying to those closest to me “See!? I knew it! I’m not crazy, I know my body.” But instead, I drove to my husband’s office where he was now on break… and I folded forward, completely unable to bear weight. I had a full blown panic attack for the first time in my life. I wasn’t sure if it was a heart attack or an asthma attack, but my back seized up and I couldn’t breathe. I was sure my body was trying to kill me right then and there. My kids were running around playing, unaware of what was happening. My husband was standing there offering a hug and to hold me up - but I felt side swiped. I could breathe out but I couldn’t breathe IN, my breathing IN is what saves me and it was completely locked up. I panicked more, but the only way I could breathe was to sob uncontrollably, because when I was crying I was able to take a small breath of air in to let more tears out. There was no vindication in knowing I was right, in that moment. I just wanted to get off the rollercoaster ride. I took my husband’s advice and I let myself cry. I let myself process all of the things for as long as I needed. I called my mom to come over that afternoon and just sit on the couch to do nothing with me. She’s good at just BEing with me, not trying to fix it, but just allowing time for being. She didn’t panic. For the first time since the original diagnosis, I felt like I was able to let my gaurd down. I felt like I was able to look at my mom, sit next to her, and ask her to tell me it was all going to be OK. I felt like I didn’t have to hold the roof up anymore, because my inner knowing knew it would be ok to ask for love and compassion from those around me. Whoa. I slept like a rock that night. 

I let it all sink in. I allowed myself to explore the depth of the emotions. For a split second I thought to myself “Do I need to go vegan? I better gear up the sauna and coffee enemas again…” But that thought quickly subsided when I reminded myself: It’s not about the therapies. It never was. I asked myself if I felt like I needed any treatment, and went through a couple of options I’d had tucked in my back pocket. But there was something in me just saying “I could do that. I could spend all the money traveling around to do all the treatments holistic or otherwise, but it won’t matter… Treatment isn’t going to be necessary.” I have to admit, this thought even made ME think I was a bit crazy… but I went with it. If there’s one thing I learned, it is to honor my intuition and just let it ride. If you are okay in this moment, then stop and listen. Allow your truth to be made known. I found myself, rather than feeling sorry for myself or worrying - I found myself lighting up with this amazing power. Because it was in this moment, the moment of my second diagnosis that I realized my true potential. I realized my acutal creative power in every instance over my physical expereince. It allowed me to take a step back, and look at my experience from the outside in. I am completely aware that nothing comes to be but first through consciousness. Meaning, that it first must be acknowledged in consciousness before it can come to be in our physical dimension. I have hundreds of examples of this in my past 30 years of existence. When I come across a new concept to me, I usually gage whether or not it feels right. Does it resonate with me? And if it does, I look for evidenciary support… is it true? Has it been true in my own life? Can things be true without your awareness of them working this way? Of course. Take for example my dream practice coming into fruition, relatively easily. I did nothing but doodle pictures of what I wanted to see and fall asleep every night vividly imagining every detail of how I would decorate and what the space would feel like. Without planning a specific timeline or ‘plan’ the exact picture of what I’d dreamt up came true! I coudln’t explain it at the time, other than my husband telling me I had ‘a gift of making shit happen!’ Or how about the way I envisioned ending up with the  love of my life. (*Our love story is a real doozy, and super cute - I'll share that sometime!) But here is a hint, it involved lots of day dreaming, and a couple years of manifestation on his part! :) Or how about us purchasing our dream home that fits us perfectly... everything just fell into place when it needed to. At the time, I’d do my best to take the things within my control, make a to do list and follow everything to a T in order to see things play out. But now I see that more importantly, I dreamt them up, visualized it, and watched it manifest itself into being.  

What about the ‘unplanned’ things in life? Are we just as responsible for those happenings? I think about the ‘surprise’ arrival of my first daughter. As unplanned as her pregnancy might have been, I desperately wanted her before I ever found out I was pregnant. It makes no sense because the timing of it was not perfect, and the stress involved with that entire year was out the roof… but I remember telling a co-worker at my first job out of chiropractic school, “I am so excited to have a child. I don’t know why, but I can’t wait for the way she’ll change my life.” She probably thought I was crazy, but now I’m starting to see a trend in the crazier others think I am, the more aligned and connected I truely am to the divine. Just a couple of months later I’d found a new job I liked a lot better, and I was pregnant with my first baby… a girl, who has in fact, challenged and changed my world in every single aspect I could ever imagine. 

I remember being in a Bible study in February of 2017. They had asked if we knew God’s purpsoe for us. Of course, the only thing I knew was the career I had chosen. I confidently said “My hands, God’s plans!” thinking my purpose was to use chiropractic and talk about healthy living with people of my community. It’s funny because later in that Bible study the idea of letting go of our to do lists was brought up. The thought of allowing God’s plan to play out instead of constantly DO’ing in order to have it your way was introduced to me. At the time, I said “But I love my to do list… I make lists of lists!” and it was incomprehensible to me that I’d live my life without a timeline and a plan. Little did I know that a few months later my world would get SO completely rocked these EXACT concepts would be exactly what I’d be coming to terms with and facing on a deeply purposeful level. I’d be silly to think that these events were not all connected and stupid to disregard the higher calling of my soul’s intention to be here. Sometimes I look back and think God has quite the sense of humor. The things that were brought to my attention in the past, and the way they come FLASHING back into my life later… as if to say “You asked for a burning bush, Elise. ;)”  

So how about now, taking responsibility for what some might consider to be another devastating dianogsis. I mean, Metastatic Cancer doesn’t exactly have a sexy ring to it. Was I capable of creating this in my own body? The doctors had told me, afterall that it was a 100% chance of recurrence in the lymph nodes. I could have blamed them, I could have shifted my current experience to someone else’s fault and said “They put it in my head, of course it came true!”… but it was no one but myself who internalized that into being. You see, I knew being in my practice was not the right calling for me. I'd been called to step away before having my mastectomy surgery and felt absolutely amazing when I was healing in those following months.  I felt better than I had in years. And when I went back to work in the fall, I was immediately sick, really sick. I never increased my office hours because the two short hours a week I was working brought me to my knees. My entire body was in so much pain I'd spend days in bed. I'm not very good at lying, and when my patients would excitedly welcome me back, asking how I was feeling it took everything I had not to spill my guts and walk out of the office. I allowed this feeling to consume me. I assumed the FEELING of the recurrence of cancer before it had set in. Every moment of every day my thought patterns surrounded the inevitable. Worrying about how I felt, trying to will my way through and make the pain go away. Worrying and hoping that I wasn’t feeling my lymph nodes enlarging, then palpating and feeling for the evidence of what my thoughts were perteptuating. Can you see what happened here? I spent 2 months putting all of my effort into trying to convince myself I was ok, while also *assuming the feeling of cancer returning*. It does not matter if it is a fear or a desire. It does not matter if you want it or don’t want it. Your physical world has zero to do with what you want or will, and everything to do with what you believe to be true. Everything. Now this might be hard for some people to conceptualize, because it involves you taking responsibility for your inner most thoughts, your deepest fears and desires. It holds you accountable for your current state of reality because you are in fact creating it with every single thought you invoke. What you beLIEVE, you beCOME. It’s not what you want to see happen, or what you wish upon a million stars - that is all in vain. When you pray, do not pray to an outside God greater than you hoping to serve your wishes… when you LIVE you are praying. Every moment of every day, the thoughts you allow into your consciouness and what you choose to BELIVE and hold fast to - THAT becomes your reality. Don’t get me wrong. This is no easy feat. It takes every milisecond of every waking and non-waking hour to become aware and conscious of what you are feeding your brain. I used to think the body was such an innately genius creation of God, but now I look at it as a little bit more of a machine on auto-pilot. The physical body itself is only carrying out exactly what it’s being told to do in every moment of the day. It is the psyche - the soul - the spiritual self that constitutes the being in which we are, and the physical body is a very small percentage of who that is. It is simply a reflection of our internal state. If it is nothing but a reflection, then recognizing your immense creative power and control over what you allow into your senses is massively empowering!!!

As I was digesting all of this, I recognized that I am not sick. I’m not a sick person who needs saving. In fact, I’m imensely powerful, and honing the skill of that creative ability takes a lot of quiet intention and focus. I said to myself, “I imagined this into happening, and relatively quickly! I can just as easily imagine it into un-happening. I’m going to move forward seeing myself as well. I’ll experience myself as a woman who healed herself from cancer, and then it will have just… gone away!” I spent the next 2 months straight working on this. Studying, applying, failing, getting back up, regressing, believing, not believing, being shaken to my core, and then finally, coming into my power. The truth that resonates within is so powerful that not a single person or thing in this universe could convince me otherwise. Because I knew I was on to something a little, different, should we call it… I told as few and as little people as I possibly could about the most recent diagnosis. 

I didn’t want anyone to put the energy into the universe that they felt sorry for me, worried about me, or saw me as sick. That was really hard. I’d venture to say I only know a handful of humans who are even willing to look at life from my perspective, and the rest of them have delicately placed me into the ‘crazy’ pile. So, I was choosey aboout who I let into my circle. I asked those who I told to support me in a beautiful way. I asked them to take time out of their day to thank our creator for bringing me insights. I asked them to show gratitude for my wellness, and celebrate my health. Lastly, I asked them to visualize me coming to them in person, hugging them, and telling them “I’m cancer free! All the cancer just… went away!” THAT is prayer. THAT is manifesting truth into being. And feeling genuine gratitude for what God is capable of in our lives is the most pure and radiant type of energy I've ever felt. 

The purpose of the recurrence was for me to fully grasp the complexity of the ability of my creative power over my life. It was for me to trust God on a whole new level to lead me in a direction that will not only save my life, but change the trajectory of my entire purpose in being. To speak his truth to the hearts of others as it has been spoken to me. In seeing this big picture event, I no longer felt like a victim but felt powerful AF. I embraced this amazing role and felt like I could make anything happen! 

Two weeks later I had a brand new diagnosis, no plan, our nanny quit to take on a different full time job, I effectively became a full time stay at home mom, and I simply walked the fuck away from my only known source of income... When I say it out loud like that, it kinda sounds crazy. While every aspect of my life felt like 'shit was hitting the fan' - it all felt right. None of these changes were easy for me, but I found strength in allowing myself to fully feel all of the emotions of the changes. 

This quote from Dr. Joe Dispenza in Becoming Supernatural fit my life perfectly:

"Get ready, because certain areas of your life may fall apart. But don't worry. That's supposed to happen because you're breaking the energetic bonds between yourself and your same past reality. Anything that is no longer a vibrational match between you and your future is going to fall away. Let it. Don't. try to put your old life back together. You're going to be way too busy with the new destiny you're calling to yourself." 

To appease my husband and everyone who had thus far supported all of my holistic attempts at healing, I took a week to go down to MD Anderson in Houston. Even my naturopath was begging me at this point to try medical care. They were hoping we would be snuck through some back door into the rooms where they keep all the newest highest tech treatment options like t-cell therapy, or immunotherapy, or magic that uses your own immune system to turn back online. They were hoping for some real top notch recommendations with a good prognosis. I agreed to go. I agreed to any and all testing they wanted to perform (knowing in my heart that no matter what I was going to be ok.) I’ll give you three guesses as to what the recommendations were, the ONLY options they would give me were: Chemotherapy (lots of it), Surgery (all the lymph nodes) and Radiation… likely followed by more chemotherapy. Keeping in mind that I was one of the youngest, and by far healthiest patients I’d seen in that massive hospital - the prognosis was still only 28% chance survival rate if I did everything they asked me to. They didn’t know what to make of me. It was almost as if the oncologist had never been told ‘no thank you’ before. I went in for an ultrasound and the tech said to me “I hear you’re the one who refuses to do any medical treatment…” I must have made a name for myself. I had a feeling this conversation wasn’t going to be productive, so I was short with her. I just said, “That’s right. I’m not interested in conventional medical treatment.” She leaned in and whispered to me that she is a cancer surviver herself. She said if she was ever faced with the choice again, she’d refuse all medical treatment and heal her body naturally. She had non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma 10 years ago. She told me she did all of the chemo they recommended, but it was the radiation that ruined her. She told me that I’m very brave and she admires my strong will. Wow, I was pleasently surprised by her honesty and support.

When I returned home, I met with my regular oncolgist. This is always a testament to how I handle my own personal power. I spoke with him for a long time about options, and he gave his recommendations… but at the end of the day I felt confused and scared again. I felt the pull of people pointing at me, telling me what they think they know about me… compared to the inner pull of me knowing my own heart and my own truth. I have to say, I was pretty shocked that even this late in the game I was so shaken up by meeting with a white coat who told me what my dismal outcome would be if I didn’t do everything he told me to. It took me a while to get back up on my feet. Physically, I felt fine, but I was waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety. My chest would get tight and I wasn’t able to breathe. I’d lay there fearing the worst, and I’d resist all of the things I was afraid of. I’d imagine going through treatment that would bring me to the brink of my physical capacity of life - and it scared the shit out of me. I began getting anxious about everything. I couldn’t control anything in my life, and it all felt like it was tumbling out of control. I cancelled flights, I chose not to leave my house. I almost let it consume me. It took me a good week or two to even come back into my body and take that power back. Shit. If there is one thing I have learned but will continue to work on, it is Never. Give your power away. To Anyone! At least this time I could feel the grasp of my power slipping away and I recognoized the feeling of relying on someone else’s opinion of me for approval or survival. You know what I said to that? (*Two Middle Fingers.*) I looked that fear in the face and said “Nobody. Not a single person out there has the power to tell me what is going to happen in my life.” My 6 year old made me this card for Mother’s Day:

 “You can do eneething bcuse you are pawrfol” —> Can this be made into a card I send out to the masses!? We all need a little reminder that You can do anything, because YOU are powerful. Whether it is fear of death, fear of inadequacy, not measuring up, not being good enough… there is something we have all at some point in our lives fallen prey to allowing our power to be stripped away from us. When we believe what others think of us and internalize their thoughts of our truth - that is giving your power away. It can be done consciously, but when we don't hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts, is typically done unconsciously. 

If you for one second expect someone else to believe in you more than you believe in yourself all hope is lost. What matters is not what any one else thinks or expects but what YOU believe about The Who you are and your ability to create. The inner most voice, the utmost truth of the matter, the intrinsic thoughts your soul carries within: That is what determines your perspective and the way you experience your existence. Give that power away to NO ONE. There is no one to convince of your truth if you simply embody it the way you were meant to. What you believe you become. Do not rely on anyone else for validation or permission to BE the person you came here to be. And if you're still with me, and in the least bit intrigued it is likely because the light in you recognizes itself in the light shining through this writing. Truth sees truth.

Sheesh. I’ll tell you what. Embracing your truth and choosing to believe something about yourself that literally no one else will believe is no easy feat. In fact, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I just remind myself every day - You’ve proven them all wrong thus far. Yes, they might all think you’re crazy… but I’d rather be considered to be out of my mind, than a prisoner of it like so many others are. So I continued living my life. I laughed every day. I blasted music to dance to in the kitchen. I trusted my intuition. I took time every single day to sit and connect. I took time to allow God to not only speak to my soul, but time for myself to listen. I started working out, lifting real heavy weights and really sweating! I even started running, feeling genuinely strong and capable, and I started doing yoga regularly. I had challenges parenting my kids (now 2, 4, and 6), but loved them and myself throught it all. I accepted the unknowns and honored the time of contraction before the explosion of energy where the answers were given. When people say it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey… this is what they mean. If you can muster up any love and respect in regaurd to the hardest challenges thrown at you, then you begin to master the art of living. You see purpose in every single event, and understand that even with trauma comes a rebirth of more incredible and beautiful opportunity. I am telling you, I’ve felt sick before. I know what having cancer feels like. I had begun to feel SO good that there was just no way I could even believe the doctors when they told me I was in for trouble. 

It was time for another meeting with my oncologist. I’d just spent the last month of my life brilliantly shining my light and not allowing anyone to dull my spirit. I told my husband every day how great I felt, and I let him know that I was going to speak my mind to my oncologist. But as we approached my next appointment I wanted to prepare what I was going to say when he tried to talk me into chemo. He suggested I ask the doctor if I could just ‘watch and wait’… and I said, “Hell NO. I’m not going to speak in the terms that he wants to hear. I’m going to tell him exactly how good I feel and just where he can shove his recommendations!" We came to a happy medium. ;) By time we got in the office the doctor told me immunotherapy was not an optinon, and we discussed his adimate recommendations to begin chemotherapy as soon as possible. I looked straight at him, and said “I have to be really honest with you. I don’t think there is a single person that could possibly convince me that I am in the least bit sick, right now. There is just no way I can follow your recommendations. Never? (As I looked at my husband) Yeah, Never… I’d have to say Never is when I’ll take you up on doing chemo. It’s just not something I need because my body has already done the healing.” He was shocked, “Never!? Even if it spreads all over your body!?” Then I thought, well surely not if it spread all over my body - I’d be living it up in Mexico or living my last days out on the beach in Kauai. I asked him if he’d ever heard of German New Medicine. I explained to my doctor for the first time since I was diagnosed almost two years prior that I knew exactly why and how the breast cancer started. I explained that tissue changes happen as a result of an emotional conflict. This was big, he actually asked me what kind of emotional conflict I could have experienced in my young 30 years of life to create such a devastating response? I explained the difficulty of our daughter’s first year of life. The hardship my husband and I experienced in our relationship in the first year of our marriage - and I told him there was literally nothing to worry about with ‘metastasis to bone or lung’ because those are self-devaluation conflict and fear of death conflicts. 

Of course he looked at me like I was in-fucking-sane. But I had confidently shared my truth. My understanding. I told him that prior to my diagnosis I had literally not a single coping mechanism for stress. For as long as I could ever remember, I was constantly in sympathetic overdrive and I asked him, “How could someone who is bathing in cortisol and adrenaline 24/7 NOT get sick? That is a recipe for phsyical break down.” I told him that everything I do daily is not about healing my body, it’s about allowing myself time to settle into parasympathetic mode. It’s about recognizing my life’s stressors and adapting by disconnecting from all the outside garbage and activating my body’s true innate healing system through it’s natural function of parasympathetic dominance. It's about experiencing myself as the energetic being we all are and allowing emotions and movement to flow through me instead of constantly trying to control and restrain it. Whoa. For the first time I spoke respectfully, intelligently, and confidently to the white coat in front of me - and he asked me what I’D like to do moving forward. I wasn’t being told what to do, I was leading the way. I asked for a follow up CT scan 3 months from my last scan. And he agreed to further monitoring without treatment. Before I left that room, he asked me what I was going to do if the CT showed that it had gotten worse or bigger… I told him I’d meditate on it. ;) Then I asked him “But what will you do when the CT scan shows that it’s in fact gotten better!?” With a speechless response I left his office feeling empowered and on top of the world. 

...I'll get to the part I mentioned above, about needing to read my post from June 9 in the next post. That will come in the second half of this blog tomorrow morning! Much love!

Embracing the Darkness and Stepping into the Light

2 Years have passed since my life took a turn I never expected.  Two years ago, my life was changed forever. In the exact moment I was told I had cancer and all of the events that came to follow I knew I was in for it. I knew I had a big road ahead of me, but I had no idea how incredibly grateful I’d be for every step along the way, just two years later. When I think about the fear that I used to live in, it was debilitating. I look back thinking, “Was that ME? Did I stand up and face that fear!?” Fearing what other people told me about my future, giving the power of my belief over to other people as they estimated what they thought my outcomes would be. Fearing my children would grow up without a mother, I worried about trying to leave notes for the rest of their life for their care givers so they’d know that Harper is strong willed, but she really needs soft words to strengthen her spirit, and Blakely is a sensitive soul who needs encouragement in the form of thumbs up and empowering words – don’t call her cute because she is fierce! And while Dawson might tell you he doesn’t need any help he really wants to be picked up and hugged every single time falls down. Every time I sat down to write things out for my future motherless children I stopped myself, because I wasn’t going to let that be an option. There was no way I would ever physically write down instructions for a day I would no longer be around, because while cancer was in the cards, it was never meant to be the end of my story. Over the course of the first year I was trying not to drown. There was a pretty steep learning curve, but I was up for the challenge. I found incredible strength and really came into my own, living through the second year… I came to realize that while yes, fear is always an option - there is always, always a second choice. We’ve all got the choice to succumb to the unknown and freeze in the face of fear, or we can rise above, accept the challenge and grow to the potential your higher self sees in you. In the very moment that you are made aware of any new big, life altering event – you are ready. It IS your moment, whether you think you are ready or not. I’m not saying that devastation, heartache, hardships, and change are not difficult… but none of it comes without purpose. Over the course of the last couple of years I have had my moments of wishing it away, wishing it had gone according to my plan, avoiding the path I that was chosen for me because I wanted to succeed in a different plan – but when it all came down to it, those twists and turns gave me the biggest opportunity for growth. It forced me out of my comfort zone and instead of drowning, I chose to let the water carry me to some place I had never been before.  

Reflecting on the last two years of my life, ‘grateful’ doesn’t even skim the surface of how incredibly lucky I feel to have had the chance to live this life. I am thankful for the fear, the pain, the unknowns, the hard, the breakthroughs, the joy, the empowerment, the golden opportunity to re-evaluate my life, its purpose and so thankful to CHOOSE what I’m going to live for. If I had never gotten cancer I could tell you how successful I would have been in my old life. I could tell you how I would have planned it out, and it would have been a relatively ‘easy’ life… but I would never have found the true purpose and meaning in my existence. While cancer is no longer a part of my daily struggle, it was the catalyst for my transformation. It was the extreme wake-up call I needed to open my eyes to so much more. More love, more life, more fulfillment of God’s promises, more yes to things that matter, more no to things that don’t, a deeper connection to myself, my creator, and our creation.

Two years ago, I put my game face on. I was determined to sprint to the finish line, and my husband was prepared for a marathon. None of this has been easy on either one of us, or our now 6 years of married life. But one thing is for sure, the people we have become together are who we were meant to be for the long haul of this incredible life. So much of the time was filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. Damn near all of it has felt like it was spent in darkness with little blips of light and glimpses into the end of the tunnel. What many people don’t know is that it didn’t come easily for me to look within. It was terrifying and difficult to hold space for healing and expect to see change that hadn’t occurred yet. Navigating life through the dark bits has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I did not do it alone. I had guidance from God, support from my best friend, my parents, my husband and love from the three best kids a mom could ask for. The darkness truly gave me the chance to transform. As a child I was terrified of the dark. The inability to see scared me because I was afraid of what was lurking in the shadows. As an adult, I forced myself to start to become comforted by the unseen. I practiced honing my ability to imagine all of the amazing things that COULD be rather than fearing the monsters that I was told were lurking in the darkness of ‘what would be’. What you imagine is always your choice. What you allow in to your consciousness becomes your reality, and once I realized the immensity of the truth behind this I saw the importance of becoming the gatekeeper to my mind. You get to choose what gets in and how it flourishes. Little by little, I began training my imagination to ignite a fire of limitless possibilities in which you can ONLY do in the dark. Think about it – if you are constantly faced with things you can see, you can be tricked into thinking those are your limits. When you are in the darkness and see no ceiling, you are able to rise higher than you ever knew possible. If you see what you think should already exist there, you leave no room at all for the gifts that are waiting for you beyond your current experience. While the darkness may be the hardest place for some people to sit, it can also provide the biggest canvas for growth and the most expansive arena for life to exceed your wildest dreams when you step into the light. June 9 will forever be a day I celebrate. It was the day I made the choice to live. It was the day I began the most incredible part of my life so far and the day I realized that everything was going to change. I am so fucking grateful – so amazingly thankful for where my life has led me, for the way I now see the world. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Cheers to You and Yours on this glorious day of new beginnings. May the next year bring more of the unknown and far exceed our expectations!     

There's Only One of Us Here, and It's YOU.

I’ve been thinking about this for literally months. How do people perceive “Self-Love” and “Me-Time”? I keep going back to the love that I have for myself, and where I’ve come from and what that really means. A couple of years ago, I had heard people talking about self-love, etc… and I’ll be honest: my interpretation was that they looked in the mirror and made themselves fall in love with their physical body and accept any imperfections. When people talked about ‘Me-Time’ I associated it with planning girl’s nights out, painting their toenails, and indulgent therapeutic shopping. I find myself getting frustrated with the fact that I preach the self-love message, but people don’t get it - well obviously. Did I get it before I got it? Nope… so my goal here is to explain myself in a completely transparent way. What do I mean by loving myself into being a new person? What do I mean by necessary intentional ‘Me-Time? When I explain that I’m in love with being me, or that it’s so important to take time for yourself it’s not about loving my physical self or doing anything for my physical body. It’s almost the exact opposite, and I feel like so often people assume that if they’re going to ‘take me time’ it needs to be in the form of a work out or doing something to enhance who they already are. Or worse yet, people assume they need to ‘work on themselves’ which makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. The message I have received loud and clear is the opposite of all of that. If we could stop working ON ourselves and learn to go with IN ourselves it becomes not only easy, but effortless to accept who it is we are in each moment. Then we get the chance to really get to explore WHO it is we truly are. It allows you to see literally every single thing from a new perspective. 

I love myself more today than I did a year ago, more than I did 6 months ago, more than I did even 3 months ago. I love that I’m now feeling as fantastic on the outside as I am on the inside and filled with zest and vigor, but it has absolutely nothing to do with my physical body. Nothing at all. I mean, I’ve gone through lots of different stages and ways to look: young me, pregnant me, postpartum me, fit me, flabby me, cancer me, healthy me… those are all great. I love them all equally in different ways, but this whole thing isn’t about the challenge of loving my physical person. I’m talking about something completely separate than your physical body. I'm talking about loving somebody who is there with or without that physical body, and getting to know THAT being. And knowing and understanding that whether I’m here today or tomorrow or if I die next week, the essence of WHO I am is who I love. I mean, yes, it would be sad for my children and family if I just keeled over and died, but I don’t need to be here to BE here. And it’s not about loving your physical-ness. It’s about loving your one-ness and seeing that we are all a facet of the same being. 

I was having a conversation with my best friend. At one point I would have considered us both workout queens, but in recent times we have both been physically restrained in this arena. There wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t put in the gym time. (Pre-kids, obviously.) How do you get rid of your stress? I work out. How do you feel good about your body? I work out. How do you study for exams? I work out. How do you get a break from your kids? I work out. Everything was based around that. It was a great release, and always made me feel like I was in control. It’s a known fact that working out is healthy and always provides better physiologic effects on the body as compared to not exercising… until it doesn’t. 

I will be very honest, I desperately miss me a REAL workout. I haven’t done a real fulfilling workout in over 2 years because… pregnancy, then postpartum, then cancer, then healing. This is my current work out: Walk. Walk. Maybe try a few squats. Walk some more. Feel ready to bump it up a bit, then realize my physical body was NOT having it. I was not in a place to bump anything up or I’d be laying in bed for days. I was starting to get pissed, because ‘a strong, fit woman who loves to work out’ used to be so much a part of who I identified with, and all the sudden it was just gone. Just like that it was no longer a part of who I was allowed to be, and I was mad that it had been so long since I’d done what I wanted to do, what I loved to do. ((Sounding familiar? I always seem to come back to my toddler-tantrum-self when I realize that maybe there is a bigger lesson that my consciousness intended this toddler human learn.)) 

Okaaay. So it’s not about the working out either. When I talked to my best friend about the similarities between our current struggles it all fell into place a bit. In our own ways we’ve both been challenged with physical, arguably debilitating, symptoms that happen when we engage in something that we both have identified with and love to our core. Duh. What’s the best way to get someone’s attention? Take something they love, that defines them and make them change it. Take it away from them. Make them HAVE to address what you want them to look at.  In different seasons of life I have gone in and out of checking in with myself. I have had seasons where I meditate daily, where I work out daily, where I quit drinking coffee, where I drink all the coffee, where I am too busy for important things, or make massive amounts of time for myself. What does all of this mean? I believe that time devoted to knowing the inner you, the higher you, the YOU that wants to be expressed and KNOWN here in this existence is essential. Every. Single. Day. Not just when you want to, make time to, remember to… it’s one of those things that doesn’t just turn your day around - it creates your day. So I said to my best friend, when was the last time you took time for you? And she told me all about how she’d finally been making time to get back to her work outs. But I thought - No, when was the last time you MET you? Because when I asked myself this very question - I had to be honest and say it’s been a long damn time since I made a point of doing this. I figured it couldn’t be coincidence that me and my best friend were experiencing this at the same time. The universe reminds me that we are never alone! ;) I asked her to consider that maybe our higher-selves, our awareness, our ALL that is, is trying to be like “HEY, you have been focusing so much: on symptoms, on the way you feel, on gaining control, on making time for your physical body, but what about Me? The only time you get to yourself your mind is still zooming, you’re scrolling, you’re pumping iron and THATS NOT WHAT I WANT. I want you. I want time with you I want YOU-Time, just like you keep asking for ME-time.” When you hear it like that, it seems that the work out in the gym is not at all what your higher self is asking for. 

(*NOT that working out is bad for you. Or that people can’t achieve clarity, receive messages, experience transcendence while working out - I think they can!! But in my position, I was getting frustrated that my physical body felt like it was failing me. Like what I had WANTED to do wasn’t what my inner Me was allowing me to do.*) It felt to me like the type of ‘me-time’ I was requesting was a mode of distraction, which I believe is true for most people. I was focusing on how to shape and change the physical me, while my essence was like, “HOLD UP.  You know who you are is more than your physical self. So why is it that the only alone time you get is designated to working on changing the physical vessel you reside in?” Maybe our higher selves are trying to flag us down by catching our attention with the thing that means so much to us - It’s all “Quit focusing on your body and your work out. Quit tricking yourself into thinking you’re pushing yourself towards health and wellness by pushing your body to an extreme. I’m going to give you some challenges that are really an opportunity for you to stop worrying about your physical body at the moment. I’m going to give you some weird ass symptoms that make you think you’re going to die. I’m going to allow in your awareness cancer, because you clearly have missed the boat on a few things. Maybe for somebody else, I’m going to give you raging knee pain or low back pain that says you thought you were going to work your physical self to the core. You thought you were going to take that physical being and punish it for the food that you ate. You thought you were going to be who you are because of your fitness. But I’m ready for you to listen to me.” Your higher self is now and forever will be communicating with you, but it is your choice to stop and listen. When I say ‘listen to your body’ it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘modify your work out so you can achieve it without feeling like you’re dying.’ When you have heartburn or nausea and people say ‘listen to your body’ it doesn’t mean google which supplement you need to take or look for a holistic remedy…. It means use the messages your body is sending you to check in with your higher self. Spend a little time with the YOU that matters. Spend some time in solitude and silence and ask in what way you can get to know I AM more. ((That means alone, all by yourself, in silence.)) Devote time every day to the ME that is exploring this universe. It’s the ME that’s looking at the bigger picture and contains insight that’s always been there, but the lost you has been too busy rushing through life, to see the answers. Stop. Your YOU time is not meant to be stuck in the physical world. Your you time is meant to be finding your soul, filling your spirit, meeting the divine that is within you, loving them, and then experiencing and sharing THAT you with the physical world we live in. Your energy is completely unending. Your energy always has been and always will BE. So take the moment you’re here in this physical body to explore what you can do with that energy. Explore what your energy came here to do. ‘Cause I promise you it is not here to get the work out in, get it all done, do the to do list, check the boxes, get through dinner, and pray you make it to bedtime so you can get up and do it all over again. That’s not why the physical you is here. 

Like I said, there is nothing wrong with a great ass-kicking work out, but I believe it should be two completely different bullet points on your To Do List. Me Time and Gym Time should fall under significant and separately identifiable services in order to get the most bang for your buck in the gym and in life. Let me explain. I know working out can be great for your physical body, but let’s get this straight: You don’t need to put in massive amounts of gym time to have an amazing ass. You can visualize that. I’ve done it. You can actually achieve having amazing 6-pack abs without a single ‘ab-exercise’ whatsoever, gasp! I know, sounds crazy, but I have seen it with my own eyes. Visualization. Loving what is. Understanding and knowing that everything you aspire to be already is, what you believe to be true is already there, so it’s not necessarily about what you do TO your physical form. It’s about what the bigger you wants you to fricken understand. So imagine what could be achieved at the gym if first you’ve taken time to become clear on who you are and the divine purpose of your being. Imagine the incredible results you could attain if first you spend some serious time quietly drawing up the exact vision of what you intend to see after that work out? In the same token, imagine what every bite of food you take is doing to your body. If you’re feeling guilty about eating decadent cakes and thinking it will just pack on the pounds… guess what it’s going to do. Let’s look at how the way we think affects what we see.

I say this because I have been seriously limited in my physical abilities to achieve a work-out I would call difficult let alone fulfilling. I went from a once-physically fit person, who used to get a high from challenging myself with a full body sweat, to feeling trashed if I did anything more than walking for 10-15 minutes. Forget lifting anything other than my kids… and only the two little ones. If I lifted the 5 year old I’d end up on the couch in massive pain. I was actually scared of my 3 and 5 pound dumbbells because of the backlash they’d given me in the past. Rather than letting it depress me, giving up work outs all together, or succumbing to the extra 10 pounds that have been hanging out... I went back to my intention. I went back to meditating, connecting, every. single. day. I started seeing colors more vibrantly, enjoying my life more fully, embracing my children with more patience. I was excited to engage whole heartedly in my marriage, like we were first dating again. People started telling me I was glowing and that "I looked happy, and it looked good on me". I began walking around as the truest fullest version of me who was ready in anticipation every moment of every day - excited for what was to come next. And you know what I did for the first time in over 2 years? I ran. I moved my body so fast and so fluidly it felt like I was running on clouds. It was exhilarating. I breathed the deepest breaths while running and with every step I embraced my limitless being. I did this with no repercussion - no pain afterwards, no days spent in bed. The only thing I had after that experience was intense gratitude for the being I am and the physical form it chose to partake in. Now, that I see there was never a physical challenge to overcome, the movement stuff is just for fun. It’s like, what can I do next!? But first. I acknowledged the Who that I am and Its reason for being. 

My husband asked me what I meant by self-care and self-love. I told him it’s not at all about working on oneself. There is nothing to ‘work on’ when self-reflecting. To meet oneself for who you truly are, and begin expressing life from the perspective of the divine truth within you - that’s what loving yourself is. Yes, it takes time, and it does take intentional effort, but it is not working ON yourself. It’s accepting yourself, and agreeing to see the grandest version of yourself possible. I told him it’s taking time to come to a bigger awareness, a bigger understanding, a bigger moment than you experienced as the person you were before you sat down. I said it’s more than taking care of the physical self. It’s taking care of yourself on the soul level so that your physical being can experience this world the way it was meant to: 10-fold on the experiential factor with things being more expressive, more abundant, more vibrant. If we’d all just take a hot minute to stop running around and trying to get stuff done we might be able to figure out who we are and what we long to do. I explained to him that caring for ones (inner)self might look different to different people, but there are a couple of elements that are essential - TIME alone, and in seclusion. I usually do this in the form of meditation. You can call it what you want, but sitting in stillness and experiencing the present moment is the goal. You can’t get to know You if you’ve got friends yapping about drama, kids climbing on you, work on your desk top, or social media anywhere in sight. Explore being by yourself. The more uncomfortable you are with it, the more likely you need it. 

The second part is finding something that lights your soul on fire. Finding something that maybe you had no idea would give you this zippy amount of pizazz and energy. Find something where you can experience the FLOW. The flow of the universe, the divine nature of all that is - find something where you feel the electricity run through you and you know there is a connection because you FEEL it. It is quite literally the most amazing human experience my spirit has had because it allows me to see this world as it was meant to be seen. It allows me to be in the middle of experiences I could have otherwise had, and see beauty and laughter and cherish these moments instead of being in the middle of 14 different thoughts and trying to hold it all together. It allows me to charge my batteries in a way that when I am finished, I have more energy, not less. It fills my soul and makes me want to SHARE what I’ve got, and share more of myself. It does not deplete me, it gives me life. If this is how working-out makes you feel, then *great*! You have found one thing that lights your soul on fire… but I encourage you to meet yourself first, and secondly find a few more things that also give you this pizazz. What are some of these things for me: Walking and talking to myself. Writing. Dancing. Listening to music. Singing like I am Mariah Carey. Laughing my ass off. Using my imagination. Embracing nature. Sitting under the gazebo with the twinkle lights on and my journal in hand. Long baths listening to the clock tick. Smelling fresh air! Listening to a good soul-filled pod cast, or listening to the beauty in nothing at all. Discovering the magic of little bookshops with used books. Finding new shimmering lights and colors in places I would not have expected. 3 words: Dirty. Chai. Latte. There is just something about holding a little cuppa something hot and amazing that warms my soul from the inside out!

Have you taken the time to discover the WHO you came here to be? Have you intentionally asked yourself, who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose and how am I experiencing this lifetime? For me, life changed when I took time to understand what my higher self was asking for. Meeting myself where I needed to be. Accepting the beauty in where I was at. And then moving forward in such an amazing way I didn’t even know it was possible. 

Shark Bite

So here’s the thing. In the last 14 months I’ve done my best to look at where I am and embrace the beauty in all lessons learned. I’ve experienced all that I can in acceptance, love, and gratitude for this unexpected journey. As hard as it has been, at the end of the day I have graciously thanked the God of my understanding for every ounce of what I’ve experienced because it has shifted WHO I am as a being. I have learned to not only accept help, but to ask for it. I have learned not only to love myself, but to accept the love that others have for me. I have seen a strength within myself that I never, in my wildest dreams, knew was possible. I’ve had the courage to take myself to my farthest limits physically, emotionally, and not quite yet spiritually. I’ve embraced myself for who I am in my best and worst moments – but something I have not shared with many people is the suffering and pain that has come along with these beautiful experiences. Without darkness there would be no light. Without the difficulty of the challenge of climbing that mountain, I would not see the view from the top. But let me tell you, the difficult times, the pain, and the emotional and physical lows I’ve endured have brought me to the brink. It’s shown me what I can handle, and then some. It’s allowed me to look death in the eye, and embrace it for when it comes – because one day it will be there for each of us with open loving arms. It’s been really hard for me to admit that I’ve been struggling. It’s mostly hard for me to admit this to my clients at work, the people who I show up for to serve. I’ve prided myself on coming to work with a heart to serve, and leave my personal baggage at the door. I’ve changed the amount of hours I work. I’ve changed the way that I practice in order to accommodate the physical limitations the pain has brought me. I’ve always brought the best of me that I had to offer, but came to realize that even that has not been fair. Not fair to me, not fair to my family for getting my exhausted and fatigued left overs. It’s not fair to my patients at the end of my shift who miss the sparkle in my eye that was there just the hour before. No, you see – I realized that in all of this I have a choice. I’ve made some pretty monumental choices in the last year. Some choices have made me feel like a super hero, and others have been super humbling. But this choice, this is a big one. The choice to ask for help in a way I never thought I’d be willing to ask. At the end of the day, I realized that my physical body has done literally everything I’ve asked of it. I had so much faith in my body’s ability to heal, that once it did – I had to come to a point of acceptance. My blood work and numbers were perfect, showing that my body is healing. It was healthy and stable. I got myself to a point where I was as healthy as I could possibly be (eating well, spending time connecting, honoring my limits, intentional movement) but I was still plagued with pain. All this is to say that I had a period of time where I was searching for more answers, looking for something that would change my perception of pain. I did energy work, mindset work, holistic remedies, cannabinoid therapy, OTC remedies, breath work, all my tricks that I’d tried in the past, lit.er.a.lly. EVERYTHING I could, to try and move beyond the pain so I could enjoy the experience of health. The only thing I hadn’t done was accept the calling my soul had been asking, and choose surgery as an option for my healing journey.

Damnit. I never wanted surgery. Not from day 1 to day 399 when I finally asked to meet with the surgeon. It wasn’t ever a part of MY plan. That should have been my first clue, huh? Haha… whenever I have deemed MY plan the best route to go, it seems to turn sideways and teach me a thing or two. But once I realized that my body had done everything I’d asked it to, I also gave myself a fair bit of grace and said ‘Well done good and faithful servant!’ I looked at my choices.  You can ask to have the scar tissue removed, take a break from your normal everyday life, and CHOOSE to move forward with the rest of your life: cancer free and pain free.

I know this sounds like a REAL easy choice. Duh. Just do the surgery! But for me it wasn’t easy at all. Leaving my practice, my business, the comfort of what I KNOW to enter into the unknown out of complete and utter FAITH that God has a bigger and grander plan for me… It took a hell of a lot of inner searching and succumbing to a choice that was not one I had originally set out to make. Listening to the voice of my inner self and hearing HER ask for something that my thinking brain was not originally willing to do brought me to tears daily. I had an internal battle of the wills. My inner stubborn teenager was bickering with my much wiser and older inner knowing – and then I remembered something my good friend Jessica Ryan told me, “Authentic strength lies in being open to ALL possibilities.” In order to BE my true and authentic self, and to live a life where I can shine my brightest and not be shadowed with an overcast of pain and misery, I then WANTED to be open to the possibility of surgery. The thought of surgery became one of a reprieve. It started to feel like the kindest thing I could imagine doing for myself. It became the next best way to give myself love... by letting go of a suffering that has been so familiar, and being open to the fearless unknown. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like you needed some help. Maybe like you’d been looking for guidance, and asking for answers. You sit down to meditate, and you think ‘I’m just going to open my heart, and free my mind. OKAY, just OPEN up, already. I’m just listening, waiting. I’m waiting for answers here.’ Then you pray real hard, maybe bargain a little, clearly ask for signals, answers, and guidance and all you get is… crickets. That was me for a good little while there. I kept thinking I’d lost myself. I kept thinking, where did my inner voice go – the one that was so good at letting me know what to do next? It wasn’t until I had completely let go of needing an answer that I experienced the magic of divinity all around me. Just shy of seeing a real unicorn, my experience today felt like I’d entered a new dimension and been blessed with the most brilliant sight one could imagine.

This morning on my moving meditation, I did not bring my phone. Not because I intentionally wanted to be disconnected from technology, but because there was only 2% battery left and it always makes me more anxious to have a phone that’s almost dead than no phone at all. It fared well, though, because I had no music to distract me, no social media to escape to – just pure presence and being.

I was walking along, with no particular intention in mind. Just kind of enjoying the early morning air. Then I started getting into my senses. I began experiencing each of my senses as though it was a gift meant for me in that moment. I like to call this moving meditation because I bring my awareness to what I am experiencing and try to embrace each sensation in its full capacity.

Sight: The beautiful sunrise, shining delicately through the leaves of the trees, but boldly across the side of the mountain. The stillness of the lake water, without any activity or action yet. I noticed the small nature animals scurrying about as I passed their home.

Sound: I began to listen to the distant bird calls, but it was a bit drowned out by the sound of the water gently moving against the shore.

Feeling: The sturdiness of the ground beneath my feet. With each step I felt as though I was wearing those mountain hiking shoes that clench you into the earth. Taking hold of my roots with each step, and feeling firmly planted within the soil. It didn’t feel heavy, as though I’d have a hard time lifting my feet, but very stable and steady. Feeling the gentle breeze across my face mixed with the warm sunlight. Feeling the sense of a new day before me.

Taste: I did not have a literal taste in my mouth, but I imagined being able to taste the freshness of a brand new unopened day. One without limits, one without expectation. I tasted a bit of freedom as I walked, and swallowed hard – imagining I could carry that freedom with me forever.

Smell: Nothing beats smelling the fresh open skies of nature, the trees, and the flowers. I am constantly smelling my surroundings. Before I enter my home or my office, I stop and take a big breath in. It always surprises me how intricate the smells are and how differently they present themselves.

Once I got through most of my physical senses I decided to play with this idea a bit. I thought, how about things I can create into my reality…

Smell: I closed my eyes and began to imagine the smells of my favorite home cooked meal, or the way my skin smells after I’ve been playing the sun. I thought of the smell of my little one’s freshly cleaned and slightly fluffy hair after it’s been air dried. Aaah, smells of perfection.

Taste: I can taste a new beginning on the horizon. With my eyes wide open I looked ahead as far as I could see and tasted victory as I crossed a finish line off in the invisible distance.

Feel: The sturdiness of the ground is hard to beat, but I went within, and felt the assuredness of my self-presence. I felt worthy of BEing and proud of the WHO that I am. Confidence and poise struck me as I walked that road in a way that no amount of self-affirmations or daily reminders could. Because I owned that feeling I created.

Sound: Now don’t get me wrong, I’d love to say I heard God’s voice in my head, telling me all of the secrets of the world. Telling me exactly what to do in upcoming situations – but that was not the case. Instead I heard the voice of myself. My inner voice was back. She let me know that when I was done throwing tantrums and feeling sorry for myself in choices that I had been making lately, she’d be there to love and support me just like always.

Sight: Do yourself a favor on this one. Try it out. When you close your eyes, what do you see? Darkness? Bright light? Light encompassing all colors of all things? Do you see flashing pictures or a movie real? Do you experience any amount of emotions with what you are seeing? Does what you see change as you breathe in fresh air? On this day, it was when I closed* my eyes that I began to SEE. I feel like THIS place is where many people try to get to when they ‘meditate’. The place where you see more when your eyes are closed than when they are open. I began to see with my mind’s eye the wonder that was all around me.

I was enjoying all of these sensations and had felt a sense of calm when I came to a clearing. I saw something I couldn’t even dream up on my own. The sun was coming up from across the other side of the lake, making a shining glittering bridge from one side of the lake to the other. I just stood there in awe of the way it sparkled. I was staring at the lake, completely mesmerized by the dancing shimmer. I’ll try to describe it, because at this point I was wishing I’d brought my phone to take a picture, which in all honesty would not have done it justice anyway. It was like an invitation of sorts. Watching the sparkles dance across the lake. There were shimmers of every single color from purple on one end to orange and yellow on the other. It swooned an aqua teal color before I closed my eyes and took it all in as a mental picture that I hope to hold forever in my mind. The feeling I kept getting as I watched the twinkle of every sparkle across the waves was “Follow Me. Come along.” It felt like the floating shimmer was a bridge, inviting me to a land beyond my wildest dreams. Not as if I wanted to cross the lake itself to the other realm, it was like an invitation to cross the bridge into experiencing a side of life that truly contained magic within. I breathed in the crisp air. I tried to take it all in as long as I could. I raised my arms above my head and stretched to the heavens realizing this was a direct invitation to experience life the way our creator intended. As I began to walk back, I breathed in gratitude for what I had experienced. I was overjoyed with the calm in my body and the intense excitement I had for the life that I was about to live for the rest of my day. As I walked back down the same road I’d just come down things looked different. First I saw a pink light lining the right side of the street. It was not light from the sun, because that light shone white and cast dark shadows from the trees. It was a literal pink light that was lighting the path before me… soon it turned into a green light. I stopped and examined the road thinking it might be stained green/moss. No, it was a green light that also shone on my hand as I touched the ground. I followed the lights, just reminiscing about the experience I’d had with the bridge. Then I noticed everything felt larger than life, and more immensely beautiful. I saw the *biggest pine cone I had ever seen. It seemed perfectly round without any broken tines. I saw the biggest* dandelion fluff ball – as big as a tennis ball. I was literally in awe of the things I was seeing on the side of the road. While I was taking in the beauty around me, the joy on my face was unmistakable. I heard something on the other side of the road, and I noticed a deer walking. I didn’t stop, I kept walking my path. The deer crossed the street, and to my surprise came extremely close to me. It stopped, and we talked. I said ‘You are beautiful! Thank you, for your majestic beauty. You are love.’ I was about 5 feet away from the deer at this time, and while it stood there listening to what I said I felt like I could have walked right up to it if I’d wanted to. I wished it a good day, and carried on. Have you ever had a conversation with a deer, looking it in the eyes, so close you could actually reach out and touch it if you dared? Yeah, me either, until today. Now I felt like I was on a high. The light I’d been following had faded, but the light inside me shone brighter than ever. I just kept walking. No questions, no answers – just pure connection to the divine spirit within, and embracing it in nature all around me. Just before I returned to my starting place, where. I knew I’d find commotion of three kids and a fun filled busy day of vacation ahead of us, I looked up. I saw a single bird flying straight ahead. Confidently soaring, begging “Follow me. Come along.” And I knew as I followed freedom would be redeemed. One reason this was so incredible is that as I allowed my essence to experience this magic my mind and body had a pattern interrupt. For a brief moment in time I was so overjoyed with LIFE that the pain of my current existence did not matter. I hold these moments so close to me – I cherish them and try to go back in my mind’s eye to relive it over and over throughout my day. If I’m able to escape my current reality even for just a moment here and there, to experience joy in a pain free state I go to that place.

My goal in the next week before my life changes (hopefully forever) is to be open enough to see the magic when I am in the midst of the chaos of my daily life. When I’m with my kids, when it’s noisy, and when I normally feel overwhelmed by the day to day stuff – to experience life the way our creator intended, even if just in small bits. I know that the pain I am in is intensifying for a reason. I get bits of rest, moments of clarity. Small amounts of decrease in suffering… but I know that this entire experience is a culmination of happenings needed to embrace a larger understanding and bring me to the next higher version of myself. In that, I can accept where I’m at and see the blessings in the pain. But I’m definitely counting down the days, and more grateful for the doctors who are helping me than I ever was before.

So here goes. In one week, I will be graciously and whole heartedly receiving a mastectomy. My nickname for the past 10 years has been Python… but my Nanny and I have jokingly re-named my Sexy-30’s-Something-Self as Shark Bite. I think it suits me well.

((*Side note: so many things happened between April-July. I never got a chance to fill you all in via my blog… but now that you know I’ll be home with some time on my hands, I’ll work on filling you in with the fabulous details of all that is amazing from past to future. Because I assure you, it’s been one helluva ride!*))