Shark Bite

So here’s the thing. In the last 14 months I’ve done my best to look at where I am and embrace the beauty in all lessons learned. I’ve experienced all that I can in acceptance, love, and gratitude for this unexpected journey. As hard as it has been, at the end of the day I have graciously thanked the God of my understanding for every ounce of what I’ve experienced because it has shifted WHO I am as a being. I have learned to not only accept help, but to ask for it. I have learned not only to love myself, but to accept the love that others have for me. I have seen a strength within myself that I never, in my wildest dreams, knew was possible. I’ve had the courage to take myself to my farthest limits physically, emotionally, and not quite yet spiritually. I’ve embraced myself for who I am in my best and worst moments – but something I have not shared with many people is the suffering and pain that has come along with these beautiful experiences. Without darkness there would be no light. Without the difficulty of the challenge of climbing that mountain, I would not see the view from the top. But let me tell you, the difficult times, the pain, and the emotional and physical lows I’ve endured have brought me to the brink. It’s shown me what I can handle, and then some. It’s allowed me to look death in the eye, and embrace it for when it comes – because one day it will be there for each of us with open loving arms. It’s been really hard for me to admit that I’ve been struggling. It’s mostly hard for me to admit this to my clients at work, the people who I show up for to serve. I’ve prided myself on coming to work with a heart to serve, and leave my personal baggage at the door. I’ve changed the amount of hours I work. I’ve changed the way that I practice in order to accommodate the physical limitations the pain has brought me. I’ve always brought the best of me that I had to offer, but came to realize that even that has not been fair. Not fair to me, not fair to my family for getting my exhausted and fatigued left overs. It’s not fair to my patients at the end of my shift who miss the sparkle in my eye that was there just the hour before. No, you see – I realized that in all of this I have a choice. I’ve made some pretty monumental choices in the last year. Some choices have made me feel like a super hero, and others have been super humbling. But this choice, this is a big one. The choice to ask for help in a way I never thought I’d be willing to ask. At the end of the day, I realized that my physical body has done literally everything I’ve asked of it. I had so much faith in my body’s ability to heal, that once it did – I had to come to a point of acceptance. My blood work and numbers were perfect, showing that my body is healing. It was healthy and stable. I got myself to a point where I was as healthy as I could possibly be (eating well, spending time connecting, honoring my limits, intentional movement) but I was still plagued with pain. All this is to say that I had a period of time where I was searching for more answers, looking for something that would change my perception of pain. I did energy work, mindset work, holistic remedies, cannabinoid therapy, OTC remedies, breath work, all my tricks that I’d tried in the past, lit.er.a.lly. EVERYTHING I could, to try and move beyond the pain so I could enjoy the experience of health. The only thing I hadn’t done was accept the calling my soul had been asking, and choose surgery as an option for my healing journey.

Damnit. I never wanted surgery. Not from day 1 to day 399 when I finally asked to meet with the surgeon. It wasn’t ever a part of MY plan. That should have been my first clue, huh? Haha… whenever I have deemed MY plan the best route to go, it seems to turn sideways and teach me a thing or two. But once I realized that my body had done everything I’d asked it to, I also gave myself a fair bit of grace and said ‘Well done good and faithful servant!’ I looked at my choices.  You can ask to have the scar tissue removed, take a break from your normal everyday life, and CHOOSE to move forward with the rest of your life: cancer free and pain free.

I know this sounds like a REAL easy choice. Duh. Just do the surgery! But for me it wasn’t easy at all. Leaving my practice, my business, the comfort of what I KNOW to enter into the unknown out of complete and utter FAITH that God has a bigger and grander plan for me… It took a hell of a lot of inner searching and succumbing to a choice that was not one I had originally set out to make. Listening to the voice of my inner self and hearing HER ask for something that my thinking brain was not originally willing to do brought me to tears daily. I had an internal battle of the wills. My inner stubborn teenager was bickering with my much wiser and older inner knowing – and then I remembered something my good friend Jessica Ryan told me, “Authentic strength lies in being open to ALL possibilities.” In order to BE my true and authentic self, and to live a life where I can shine my brightest and not be shadowed with an overcast of pain and misery, I then WANTED to be open to the possibility of surgery. The thought of surgery became one of a reprieve. It started to feel like the kindest thing I could imagine doing for myself. It became the next best way to give myself love... by letting go of a suffering that has been so familiar, and being open to the fearless unknown. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like you needed some help. Maybe like you’d been looking for guidance, and asking for answers. You sit down to meditate, and you think ‘I’m just going to open my heart, and free my mind. OKAY, just OPEN up, already. I’m just listening, waiting. I’m waiting for answers here.’ Then you pray real hard, maybe bargain a little, clearly ask for signals, answers, and guidance and all you get is… crickets. That was me for a good little while there. I kept thinking I’d lost myself. I kept thinking, where did my inner voice go – the one that was so good at letting me know what to do next? It wasn’t until I had completely let go of needing an answer that I experienced the magic of divinity all around me. Just shy of seeing a real unicorn, my experience today felt like I’d entered a new dimension and been blessed with the most brilliant sight one could imagine.

This morning on my moving meditation, I did not bring my phone. Not because I intentionally wanted to be disconnected from technology, but because there was only 2% battery left and it always makes me more anxious to have a phone that’s almost dead than no phone at all. It fared well, though, because I had no music to distract me, no social media to escape to – just pure presence and being.

I was walking along, with no particular intention in mind. Just kind of enjoying the early morning air. Then I started getting into my senses. I began experiencing each of my senses as though it was a gift meant for me in that moment. I like to call this moving meditation because I bring my awareness to what I am experiencing and try to embrace each sensation in its full capacity.

Sight: The beautiful sunrise, shining delicately through the leaves of the trees, but boldly across the side of the mountain. The stillness of the lake water, without any activity or action yet. I noticed the small nature animals scurrying about as I passed their home.

Sound: I began to listen to the distant bird calls, but it was a bit drowned out by the sound of the water gently moving against the shore.

Feeling: The sturdiness of the ground beneath my feet. With each step I felt as though I was wearing those mountain hiking shoes that clench you into the earth. Taking hold of my roots with each step, and feeling firmly planted within the soil. It didn’t feel heavy, as though I’d have a hard time lifting my feet, but very stable and steady. Feeling the gentle breeze across my face mixed with the warm sunlight. Feeling the sense of a new day before me.

Taste: I did not have a literal taste in my mouth, but I imagined being able to taste the freshness of a brand new unopened day. One without limits, one without expectation. I tasted a bit of freedom as I walked, and swallowed hard – imagining I could carry that freedom with me forever.

Smell: Nothing beats smelling the fresh open skies of nature, the trees, and the flowers. I am constantly smelling my surroundings. Before I enter my home or my office, I stop and take a big breath in. It always surprises me how intricate the smells are and how differently they present themselves.

Once I got through most of my physical senses I decided to play with this idea a bit. I thought, how about things I can create into my reality…

Smell: I closed my eyes and began to imagine the smells of my favorite home cooked meal, or the way my skin smells after I’ve been playing the sun. I thought of the smell of my little one’s freshly cleaned and slightly fluffy hair after it’s been air dried. Aaah, smells of perfection.

Taste: I can taste a new beginning on the horizon. With my eyes wide open I looked ahead as far as I could see and tasted victory as I crossed a finish line off in the invisible distance.

Feel: The sturdiness of the ground is hard to beat, but I went within, and felt the assuredness of my self-presence. I felt worthy of BEing and proud of the WHO that I am. Confidence and poise struck me as I walked that road in a way that no amount of self-affirmations or daily reminders could. Because I owned that feeling I created.

Sound: Now don’t get me wrong, I’d love to say I heard God’s voice in my head, telling me all of the secrets of the world. Telling me exactly what to do in upcoming situations – but that was not the case. Instead I heard the voice of myself. My inner voice was back. She let me know that when I was done throwing tantrums and feeling sorry for myself in choices that I had been making lately, she’d be there to love and support me just like always.

Sight: Do yourself a favor on this one. Try it out. When you close your eyes, what do you see? Darkness? Bright light? Light encompassing all colors of all things? Do you see flashing pictures or a movie real? Do you experience any amount of emotions with what you are seeing? Does what you see change as you breathe in fresh air? On this day, it was when I closed* my eyes that I began to SEE. I feel like THIS place is where many people try to get to when they ‘meditate’. The place where you see more when your eyes are closed than when they are open. I began to see with my mind’s eye the wonder that was all around me.

I was enjoying all of these sensations and had felt a sense of calm when I came to a clearing. I saw something I couldn’t even dream up on my own. The sun was coming up from across the other side of the lake, making a shining glittering bridge from one side of the lake to the other. I just stood there in awe of the way it sparkled. I was staring at the lake, completely mesmerized by the dancing shimmer. I’ll try to describe it, because at this point I was wishing I’d brought my phone to take a picture, which in all honesty would not have done it justice anyway. It was like an invitation of sorts. Watching the sparkles dance across the lake. There were shimmers of every single color from purple on one end to orange and yellow on the other. It swooned an aqua teal color before I closed my eyes and took it all in as a mental picture that I hope to hold forever in my mind. The feeling I kept getting as I watched the twinkle of every sparkle across the waves was “Follow Me. Come along.” It felt like the floating shimmer was a bridge, inviting me to a land beyond my wildest dreams. Not as if I wanted to cross the lake itself to the other realm, it was like an invitation to cross the bridge into experiencing a side of life that truly contained magic within. I breathed in the crisp air. I tried to take it all in as long as I could. I raised my arms above my head and stretched to the heavens realizing this was a direct invitation to experience life the way our creator intended. As I began to walk back, I breathed in gratitude for what I had experienced. I was overjoyed with the calm in my body and the intense excitement I had for the life that I was about to live for the rest of my day. As I walked back down the same road I’d just come down things looked different. First I saw a pink light lining the right side of the street. It was not light from the sun, because that light shone white and cast dark shadows from the trees. It was a literal pink light that was lighting the path before me… soon it turned into a green light. I stopped and examined the road thinking it might be stained green/moss. No, it was a green light that also shone on my hand as I touched the ground. I followed the lights, just reminiscing about the experience I’d had with the bridge. Then I noticed everything felt larger than life, and more immensely beautiful. I saw the *biggest pine cone I had ever seen. It seemed perfectly round without any broken tines. I saw the biggest* dandelion fluff ball – as big as a tennis ball. I was literally in awe of the things I was seeing on the side of the road. While I was taking in the beauty around me, the joy on my face was unmistakable. I heard something on the other side of the road, and I noticed a deer walking. I didn’t stop, I kept walking my path. The deer crossed the street, and to my surprise came extremely close to me. It stopped, and we talked. I said ‘You are beautiful! Thank you, for your majestic beauty. You are love.’ I was about 5 feet away from the deer at this time, and while it stood there listening to what I said I felt like I could have walked right up to it if I’d wanted to. I wished it a good day, and carried on. Have you ever had a conversation with a deer, looking it in the eyes, so close you could actually reach out and touch it if you dared? Yeah, me either, until today. Now I felt like I was on a high. The light I’d been following had faded, but the light inside me shone brighter than ever. I just kept walking. No questions, no answers – just pure connection to the divine spirit within, and embracing it in nature all around me. Just before I returned to my starting place, where. I knew I’d find commotion of three kids and a fun filled busy day of vacation ahead of us, I looked up. I saw a single bird flying straight ahead. Confidently soaring, begging “Follow me. Come along.” And I knew as I followed freedom would be redeemed. One reason this was so incredible is that as I allowed my essence to experience this magic my mind and body had a pattern interrupt. For a brief moment in time I was so overjoyed with LIFE that the pain of my current existence did not matter. I hold these moments so close to me – I cherish them and try to go back in my mind’s eye to relive it over and over throughout my day. If I’m able to escape my current reality even for just a moment here and there, to experience joy in a pain free state I go to that place.

My goal in the next week before my life changes (hopefully forever) is to be open enough to see the magic when I am in the midst of the chaos of my daily life. When I’m with my kids, when it’s noisy, and when I normally feel overwhelmed by the day to day stuff – to experience life the way our creator intended, even if just in small bits. I know that the pain I am in is intensifying for a reason. I get bits of rest, moments of clarity. Small amounts of decrease in suffering… but I know that this entire experience is a culmination of happenings needed to embrace a larger understanding and bring me to the next higher version of myself. In that, I can accept where I’m at and see the blessings in the pain. But I’m definitely counting down the days, and more grateful for the doctors who are helping me than I ever was before.

So here goes. In one week, I will be graciously and whole heartedly receiving a mastectomy. My nickname for the past 10 years has been Python… but my Nanny and I have jokingly re-named my Sexy-30’s-Something-Self as Shark Bite. I think it suits me well.

((*Side note: so many things happened between April-July. I never got a chance to fill you all in via my blog… but now that you know I’ll be home with some time on my hands, I’ll work on filling you in with the fabulous details of all that is amazing from past to future. Because I assure you, it’s been one helluva ride!*))

Trusting Me

Well, when we left off last I promised I’d eventually get some more blood work or images taken. So much has happened in the last few months, let me take you through a bit of the chaos, into the storm, and through the magic of it all.

Along this journey and through my writings I have never once written with the intention of anyone else actually reading it. I’ve never considered my audience or altered my thoughts because I was worried about what someone might feel when they read it. I’ve written my emotions and my experiences just as they are, because it feels right to me. For the first time I’m writing I realize that what you are about to read might ruffle some feathers. Sometimes I get a caught up in the magic of what I’ve experienced I forget not everyone has connected with the same innate power I have, though it does in fact live within every single person here on earth. Someone recently said to me “That’s great if it’s working for you... but I just can’t see how that’s possible.” I like to do impossible things every single day! And if it’s possible for me, then why not explore your own im-possibilities!? If you can experience a life unknown, simply by allowing it to happen – then why not? 

From the very first inkling of trouble, before even receiving confirmation of my diagnosis, I told my husband and my mom there was no way I’d be doing chemo. It was just not on the table. While that might be hard for some people to understand, my family never argued my choices. (And for that I am extremely grateful.) Declining medical treatment was not at all difficult for me. But the world of holistic care can be just as intense and scary if you go down that rabbit hole. I fell into a trap of over-trying. I wanted to leave no stone unturned. I wanted to say I had tried absolutely everything, because if it ended up not working out in the end, at least I could say I had tried my hardest. I exhausted myself, burned the candle at both ends, and ended up making myself sicker than ever.

The most courageous thing I have ever had to do was let go of the external world’s expectations of what it might take to heal me. It was not avoiding medical doctors, it was not even changing natural treatments, it was learning how to listen to myself from within and trust that my body knew what it was doing - that was an incredible feat. The most courageous thing I have done was made the decision to trust myself. 

February 3, 2018.

The bloodwork I had tried to get before going on vacation finally went through. I was so excited to receive the results I packed up the kids and drove to Brandon’s office in the middle of his work day. I wanted to be with him to open the email together and jump for joy when we opened it up and……. It got worse!? What?? How can that be?? 

Devastated is an understatement. I immediately burst into tears, and my husband held me up from falling to the ground in the moment I thought I’d be flying high. I had been envisioning this moment for so long. I could see the magic number in my head, and pictured the scenario so perfectly. I thought I’d be overjoyed and celebrating, but instead I was filled with disappointment and grief. What was I missing?? After so much clarity, whyyyy had the numbers gotten worse and WHAT in the world was I supposed to do now? I was flooded with feelings of ‘not enough’ and failure. My husband looked me in the eye, and said “I know it’s going to get better. Now what do we have to do to get you there?” He was willing to do absolutely anything, send me on a cruise, pay for any treatments, whatever it took: he’d make it happen. I rested in the moment of his support, and I apologized to him for ruining his work day. I thought for sure we’d be celebrating, but now we were back to square 1. He assured me I hadn’t ruined anything and held me in the time I needed him most. Looking back, it was a blessing I was with him when I received that news.

After the initial shock of seeing the literal opposite of what I had envisioned, I sat with it. I embraced the stillness of my own being and I asked myself what I was supposed to do. I thought to myself, go back to what you know. What were you doing in August of last year when your numbers were lower? I was just eating Paleo and sucking down carrot juice. I hadn’t watched Chris Beat Cancer or 15 hundred documentaries with every little known fact about how the body should function. I hadn’t started any of the routine ‘healthy-regimen’ stuff… so maybe stop doing all the stuff? Could it be that simple? NO. I researched all of these things and these things are supposed to change my physiology and SAVE my life. If I stop, I could get worse! But I’ve already gotten worse, and I’m still ok – so why not? I took a HUGE leap of faith and for the first time leaned into my inner guidance system.

I had an inner knowing, an intuitive feeling, that in those 4 months when I had gone crazy town with every holistic therapy I could fit into my day – I stressed myself out so much that of course I’d gotten worse. I tried so hard to ‘support my body perfectly’, and get rid of cancer the right way, because if I didn’t succeed it would mean I’d leave my three babies without a mama. There was a lot of pressure to show the world I could do it. There is a lot of invisible pressure when seeking holistic care, that you need to be hitting it hard, and doing every single thing available, because after all, you’ve got cancer and you don’t want to die, do you? I’m *certain* that had I gotten my blood results back in November when I’d originally tried to send it off my values would have actually been much much higher than they were today. I had a notion that where I was at today (though I was not thrilled about the actual numbers) was actually a better place than where I was in November. The amount of stress I put on myself during those days literally gives me PTSD from the regimen and strict nature of it all. I told my husband later ‘I can’t go back there. I can’t do the all day treatment stuff again.’ So that’s where my letting-go process began. I wrote in my journal “What I feel I NEED:” And the answer was ‘Silent time to connect to my inner knowing and feel the answer.” So I went with it.  

There was a theme that kept recurring. When I’m sitting alone, embracing the stillness or journaling is often when I receive messages from God. I write freely and when I go back and read it later, it’s almost as if someone else has written me a story that I can’t put down. Encouragement and answers line my path. One of the themes that has kept recurring is *I am happy. I am healthy. I am whole. Everything I need to be who I am, I already possess. All of the answers I seek are within.*

I must admit, for months I’d dance around this theme and think it was lovely. I’d say it out loud to myself, I’d talk about it, I thought it sounded fantastic and I even believed in it… but then I’d continue DOing all of the things: juicing, enemas, supplements, etc. Maybe I had let go of doing every therapy every single day, but I was still maintaining trying to force my body to change by the external influences. Then one day I realized – Elise, when are you going to trust your inner knowing. You keep saying one thing, and doing a million others. You say you already possess everything you need, but then you go out trying to fix it all the time. I decided enough was enough. I am forever connected to the creator of our universe and it is within me. How dare I look outside myself for any magic rhythm or regimen. How dare I think for one minute that I need to DO more to HEAL my physical body when I am a direct result of the divine power itself. How dare I take it upon my earthly being to think it is (little) me that needs to save the day. No. I am already saved. I am healthy, and I am whole. It is not my job to FIX me because I am perfect the way I am, and I love that about me. It is not my job to assess the situation and make a plan. It’s my job to be here now, and to love myself and embrace my inner knowing. God has given me wise discernment, and I am blessed to have been able to SEE that. So I stopped. I stopped making all the juice every day. I stopped doing coffee enemas. I stopped researching the snot out of every holistic cancer treatment known to man. I just stopped. I went back to the relatively healthy lifestyle I knew. I reintroduced things that I’d been missing for months. Coffee, chocolate… Bacon. I totally brought bacon back into my life. Why? Because I really love it! (Particularly wrapped around dates!) It seems simple, but it was not easy. I had put my faith in my good efforts – and letting go of that to trust the fact that my spirit could lead me was something I never expected I could do.

My husband had his concerns. He told me back in February he was worried that I wasn’t doing any of my normal routine. I told him I was giving myself all the love and care I needed, and I knew I was on the right track. Keeping in mind, I wasn’t doing ‘nothing’. I was taking 1-2 hours every single day to myself to rest in the quiet stillness, and embrace my true essence. I was connecting to the Whole and allowing fresh air to fill my life. I was taking things slow and released expectation of making anyone else happy. Which in turn, made everyone else much happier now that I look back on it. I replaced much of my ‘therapy time’ with one on one dates with each of my kids. I figured if I didn’t make it out alive, I wanted them to remember a Mama who spent time with them, and took them on lots of special dates. Before, their Mama was home, but never really present. Always too busy going down to the sauna or needing alone time. That was not how I’d let my kids remember me.

So I went from DOing all of the things, to DOing nothing?  

Not exactly. I love how eloquently Jackie Chan said it in the Karate Kid:

I can’t pretend that everyone… or anyone will understand what I’m saying, but I promised myself that I would fearlessly step out and shine my light into the world. I told myself it doesn’t matter if anyone understands WHY I do what I do. What matters is allowing my message to be heard, because when it falls on the right ears, it will change someone else’s life. And for that my soul will be eternally grateful.

My best friend asked me if I was giving up. I assured her I wasn’t giving up, I was giving in. Giving IN to the request my body and soul had made. Giving IN to the simplicity of the truth. Every single cell of my being knew deep down that it wasn’t about all the work I’d put in, it was about making sure I began and ended each day by showing myself as much love as I could. 

Again, this sounds simple. The unexplainable part is thinking back to the hard days. It’s always easier for me to stay in a great positive mental space when I’m feeling well and energized. I can talk amazing healing abilities left and right when I’m feeling the effects of the magic… But the truth of the matter is many days I was in a lot of pain. Many days I would give 100% to my patients, be proud of myself for keeping it together at home, and then feel and intense amount of pain and discomfort all throughout my body. I was trying SO hard to let go of the unnecessary therapies, but still not giving myself what my soul was asking. 

For a while there I got really mad at myself. I kept thinking ‘I’m doing my best. I’m giving myself time each day, I’m loving myself. What else am I missing? What message have I not learned? Whyyyyyy am I in so much pain? Why haven’t I been able to heal myself?’ And every time I found myself in pain I beat myself up over it. It occurred to me that instead of listening, I badgered myself. I belittled my efforts and felt like I wasn’t healing well enough. There it was.

I could never imagine treating anyone else like that. I started treating myself differently. I began to be really gentle with myself. In times of pain I changed my mindset to “Elise, what can I do for you right now?” I imagined if my 3 year-old was sick and not feeling well. I’d never look at her and say ‘Why are you not better yet? Why can’t you get it right!?’ No. I’d look at her with compassion, and tell her ‘I love you. I’m here for you. You’re going be ok, and I will take care of you no matter what.’ That’s exactly how I started talking to myself. It didn’t matter if I felt sluggish, physically sore like I’d been hit by a truck, or the sharp shooting painful sensations – every time I felt discomfort, I stopped myself. I asked myself ‘What do you need in this moment?’ I looked within, and dug deep. And I gave it to myself freely, without guilt or shame. 3 epsom salt baths in one day? Done. A 2-hour nap in the late afternoon? Mine. A bit of extra chocolate to go with my coffee? Yes, please. I took pleasure in taking care of myself and taking things slow. I found joy in finding new things that made me feel whole. Sound baths, reiki sessions, art, dancing to music, long baths, acupuncture, laughter, bird listening, collecting beads, enjoying my swingasan chair under the gazeebo, finding new interests and hobbies all became my medicine. I began listening to myself in a way my soul had been craving. I found things that made me feel alive, and truly filled my cup. Instead of being upset with myself for not feeling well, I took it as a reminder that my body needed me to listen. Pain is just a signal. A really direct and straight forward signal that your body is using to communicate with you. I stopped saying yes, when I meant no. I fed my soul. And when I gave it exactly what it needed, I healed remarkably quickly.

I also came to the conclusion that we don’t always get what we want when we want it, and for good reason. After months of a rigorous regimen, I couldn’t have lived any more by the books. I couldn’t have done a better job following everyone else’s raw vegan juicing supplementing ways. After all, if I didn’t do *everything I possibly could to cure myself of cancer, then when it came down to it, they couldn’t say ‘Well, she did everything she could!’ I must say, my original goal was 6 months. I thought, I can do strict! I can do nutrition. I’ve got this in the bag. That timeline came and went. My disappointment and frustration was dense. I realized since then that had I gotten WHAT I wanted WHEN I wanted it (cancer free by 6 months after my diagnosis), I would have stopped there. I would have checked the cancer box, and I would have given all of the credit to my Norwalk juicer and vigilant determination. But where would that have left me? Terrified to step away from the juicer, that’s for sure. It would have left me still ‘not enough’ and afraid to ever eat out a restaurant. I wouldn’t have dug to the depths of my soul to not only meet God in me, but have taken time to get to know my inner divine/spirit/soul/God manifest. Because it’s once you know someone, you can begin to trust them. Once you trust them you can rest in the deep connection and love that has grown. So much of my personal growth has happened with in the last 3 months. When I was upset by being in the midst of the madness, it was then that I was learning to trust myself and truly follow my own inner calling. When I shifted my focus and my awareness to (WHO I am) and knowing and loving her more, that is where exponential growth took place.

So, Who am I?
Elise was destined to come to earth to BE a true expression of herself. Who is that? I answered this question over and over – never trying to get it right, but just trying to encompass all of the feelings that went along with such a huge question. The true essence of Elise securely embraces me in every breath, whispering ‘You’re safe. It’s ok. I’ve got you.’ I am perfectly imperfect with no expectation or demands. I am released of all status and expectation because I am here now.

Could it really be this simple?

Can you really cure cancer with love alone?

In just 4 weeks … my bloodwork improved by 50% of what it had risen.

By golly, it fricken works. Imagine that? The human frame, designed by God himself, is such an incredible design that when given exactly what it needs it can heal extraordinarily fast with little to no outward help – only trust and knowing that it was absolutely capable all along. It needs no help, just no interference. And imagine – a world where God also created dis-order, dis-ease, cancer even… as a communication tool. Not something to be feared, but something to be listened to. If people stopped fearing losing their lives and just started to live from their hearts, imagine where we would be!

The concept seems simple. Letting go. But simple is not always easy. How many people do you know that can escape the clutches of control, that can trust their inner-spirit to guide them and their body to heal them? It’s an over-used and undervalued phrase, even I used to throw around nonchalantly.

Until I had a complete out of body experience and viscerally responded to the calling of allowing the true nature of my own essence to express itself through love… I couldn’t fully comprehend the feeling of ‘letting go.’ It’s a bit like imagining birth before ever experiencing labor. That being said, it opens the door for any and all treatment methods. Though it was not my path, I am very supportive of those who choose conventional treatment for their bodies. I have no problem at all with people who choose Gerson Therapy or Ayurvedic Medicine. One thing I’ve learned is that there are thousands of ways you can attempt to assist your body in healing. Do I think any of them are necessary? Nope. But I’m not opposed to any of them. The POWER comes from where people are making choices. If the path you are choosing is done so because you felt an inner calling and you are trusting your personal guidance system, you too can feel and experience life in a new light. But if the path you are choosing is out of fear (of the unknown, of death, of illness, of failure, of imperfection, of guilt) it absolutely will not serve you well. This is true in all aspects of our existence. What it comes down to is how we align ourselves and listen to that intuition and guidance. Trust yourself* first. Explore it, and watch the magic happen. It’s more than mind over matter. It’s not about training the mind with affirmations or believing so hard you make it a reality. It’s quite the opposite. Releasing your mind frees your soul.  So that’s just what I continued to do.

                        (Stay Tuned for Part II Coming This Week)

Cancer Free by Christmas

Have you ever said anything deeply profound and meaningful, but not realized it at the time you said it? Through this process I have come to find that there is an innate wisdom that comes shining through when I connect my awareness to the heavens. When I listen with my heart instead of with my mind – answers are given. The fun part of these answers are that often times I blurt things out, and have no idea the immensity of the thought until months later when I realize, “See, I knew it all along? I just had to listen to myself….”

When I was first diagnosed with stage 3 triple negative (very aggressive) breast cancer not a single medical doctor asked me WHY I thought I had gotten cancer. In fact, they told me it was random chance. They were certain that it must have been genetic, being that I was so young.  Well, it’s not genes. And it’s NOT random – none of this is random chance. It was one of my biggest personal victories to find out that I am not flawed, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my genome… in fact it’s quite perfect. Now that’s kind of sexy! Worthy of adding to my ‘strengths’ column for sure. My answer when natural doctors and my reiki master had asked me what I thought caused my cancer was “I don’t know! I’m like the healthiest person I know. I think there is a really big emotional component, but I just haven’t quite figured it out.”

Boom.

Innately I knew. And so began, the biggest healing journey I’d ever go on. A journey inward, of watching my physical body change as I allowed my emotional and spiritual side to heal and grow.

Through this process I have struggled with focusing all of my energy on healing my physical body, pushing my body to the max with supplements, daily therapies, teas, remedies, etc. I had wanted to DO everything I could so I could say that no matter what I tried my hardest to heal my body. It literally became my life – I was defined by the millions of things I was trying to do to enhance my body’s healing. I was unable to do things that were once very fulfilling and gave me life… in order to save my life. Then I kept coming back to the fact that our bodies are innately intelligent, they are designed to heal and they need no help... just no interference. (Physical, chemical, or emotional.) I’ve gone through ups and downs of feeling incredible, and feeling downright miserable. My goal was to spend 3 months of ‘hard core’, no loose ends, balls to the walls, every therapy imaginable, and then get a repeat of my blood work to see how well my efforts worked.

That should have been my first clue. MY PLAN. My goal. MY work. It’s bigger than that. I should have known, it’s so much bigger than the physical Me.   

To my dismay, I went for the blood draw after my 3 months of hard work and the one test tube that was sent in the kit didn’t have enough vacuum seal to draw enough blood to send in. I couldn’t get my test done. I was frustrated I couldn’t get my answer or my ‘all-clear’. I was upset that after all of that hard work I couldn’t see exactly where I was to see if it had paid off. Something in me was a little relieved. I thought “it’s meant to be. I will just relax a little bit, I’ll do what I can, but we have a trip to Hawaii coming up and I will just get my blood drawn when I get back.”

Honestly, from all the work I’d been putting in to help support my body I was pretty burnt out. I wanted a break from having cancer. I wanted a pass on doing all the DOING I had been doing every single day and the added stress it put on me. I wanted a break from the expectation of missing time with my friends and family so that I could ‘give’ more time to myself. I was looking forward to getting those results, telling me I was cancer free – but then I realized, if that’s what they said I would continue holding myself to those standards, and for how long? The fear of ‘How long am I going to have to continue this regimen?” set in, because if those actions were what had gotten me well, I don’t think I’d have let up one stitch.

We spent 8 incredible carefree days in Hawaii. I didn’t juice, but I found a great juice bar that made the most decadent organic local fresh juices and raw salads. My family and I would walk to the juice co each day for special treats. We took early morning walks to a few of our favorite spots and watched that beautiful sunrise over the beach. We found a quaint coffee shop, a hidden beach, and so many treasured places I cannot wait to go back to.  I didn’t eat a raw vegan diet – I splurged on the freshest fish and the finest desserts. My mouth waters just thinking about it! I even had a drink by the poolside and ate French fries with my kiddos after swimming in chlorinated water – gasp! And here’s the thing: I have never felt better! I never felt pain once. I didn’t feel sick at all. I don’t think I brought up cancer one single time I was on vacation. I relaxed, I laughed, I indulged. I watched my kids experience the ocean. I got quiet time to myself with my toes in the sand. And every single day: I grew roots. I planted my bare feet on that soil and imagined my roots growing deep into the earth because I am here now. And I’m here to stay. I got a very clear message from God as I was engrossed in the vitality of my vacation.

It’s not about the juicing. It’s not about the exercise, the sauna, or the coffee enemas. It’s not about the diet you choose, the right combination of supplements or eliminating the right foods. It’s about loving yourself so much that you’re willing to allow healing to take place within your soul first. It’s about connecting to God and seeing God through you – and understanding that we are all one.  

This brought me back to a message I’d received before I traveled to Colorado in August of this year for our first ‘treatment’ experience:

The treatment doesn’t matter. Whatever treatment you choose does not matter.

At the time I was terrified and that message was less than comforting. I wanted to know what the RIGHT path was. I wanted to know that the treatment I was choosing would save my life. God told me then, and he told me again now that I am saved. I am healthy. I am whole. And I am healed. That message is clear to me today, but holds so much more meaning once I’ve experienced life the way I have.

Our amazing vacation eventually ended, and heading home felt right. It felt slow, and connected. I was scheduled to re-draw my bloodwork when we got home. I had zero anxiety about getting my blood drawn this time. I didn’t even tell anyone I was getting the test run. I was very much at ease about knowing I am just fine.

As the week drew on and we were trying to get back into the swing of things I grew more accustomed to my old lifestyle. I hadn’t done anything for myself. No juice. No sauna. No me time. I was putting my kids’ every single need before my own. And I hadn’t taken any time to be grateful for the life I’m living and slow things down to show myself love. It wasn’t intentional at all, but very quickly I began to fall back into my old habits. Part of me thought “It’s ok, I’ll get back to it soon enough – but it doesn’t matter anyway, I can heal without a million therapies!” This was my way of justifying not giving myself time or love, which I’m sure you can relate to. I kept thinking, I’ll head down to the sauna tomorrow, I’ll just catch up on one more thing around the house. The pendulum had swung in the opposite direction. I had literally gone from one extreme to the next trying to find balance. Trying to figure out what the rest of my life is supposed to look like. I refuse to live my life as if I’m healing from cancer. I refuse to live my life as if I’m broken and constantly needing to fix things. I went from doing a million things to push my body’s function of detox and immune boost, to the far end of the spectrum where I did literally nothing to support my body physically, but I heightened my awareness. Now that I was home I felt like I’d lost myself. It was time to get myself re-tested to see where my blood results lied and time for me to decide what to make of each day.    

I’d be lying if I wasn’t super giddy and totally excited to find that my numbers proved that all the LIVING I had done in Hawaii did nothing but help me heal faster, but I was still unsure of what the answers would prove. I got my blood taken and they overnighted it to the lab. I waited a few days, and when I impatiently called the day before I should have heard any results the lab told me they had never received my serum. What?? Are you serious?? There had to be some mistake. I was supposed to get my answer. I’m certain, I was supposed to joyously share the news with my family that I was cancer free by Christmas. No, this was no joke. For whatever reason (still unknown to me) FedEx rejected the package and it was never sent. I expected reassurance that my magic number meant that the efforts I had once been so diligent about making didn’t matter, and that I could live my life carefree and still see positive movement.

Where to start now? I went around and around about what matters, which therapies might be of importance, and tried making a plan when I remembered God’s message “It doesn’t matter which treatment you choose.” It was at this point I recognized my feeling of ‘out of control’ did not come from my Lack-of-a-Plan, it came from neglecting to give myself any time from the moment we got home. I was right all along! It’s NOT about the enemas or the green juices.

·        It’s simply about showing up for myself each day as the best truest version of ME that I can be, and loving myself SO MUCH I give to myself each and every day. Give time. Give grace. Give joy. Give laughter. Give permission to love and to be loved.

Do you see it?

It was never about having cancer in the first place. I used to be *obsessed with living a healthy lifestyle. I used to take health so seriously and try so vigorously to get my friends and family to care about living a healthy lifestyle. It was never about becoming more obsessed with different ways to BE healthy – it was about meeting myself on a new playing field. Life is meant to be experienced as a means of embracing and expressing WHO we truly are, an expression of God. It was never about me, it’s about everyone else whose life I touch and the way in which I touch it – because we are all one.

The continued ‘treatment plan’ I have chosen looks like a combination of everything I’ve learned in the past 6 months, but mostly it looks like an unregimented guide to giving to myself every single day. This includes time to myself, connecting with God, and picking whatever it is I feel my body and soul needs in this moment. I’ve taken several mornings to work out and sit in the sauna, while other mornings I have chosen a different therapy of choice for an hour or so. Some mornings I’ve been intentional about meeting a friend for coffee – yes, the sweet hot black nectar of life is back in my hands am so so grateful for thoroughly enjoying every sip in a good friend’s company. Here’s the kicker, I’ve also one nothing at all some days. I’ve taken time in nature and taken time to breathe. I’ve maintained a healthy diet and tend to make choices based on what will make me feel fulfilled as opposed to feeling deprived of things. I make conscious choices out of love and respect for my physical body, and take time to check in with the Big Me. I’ve not felt guilty one time for choosing one thing over another, and in each part of my day I give it my best to be completely present with myself. Allowing myself time to heal and come back to my center. I know that healthy choices do matter, and I still make healthy choices based on loving myself. But I do not shut myself out from the world or keep myself from experiencing LIFE because the reason we are here is to embrace all facets of living. My goal in writing has never once been to lay out a plan for anyone to follow or share with the world the answer to cancer. My goal was never to write a timeline showing all of the therapies and how/when to introduce them because honestly, I had no damn clue how this all works and surely no direction guide. All I know is that in some crazy combination of the experiences I’ve had I figured out how and what feels like LOVE to me. I figured out the amount of time I need to clear my mind and how to breathe. (Which is so incredibly HARD with three little kids, by the way.) And I’ve figured out how to listen to that inner guidance that wants so badly to share the answers.

There is a quote by Anita Moorjani that seems very fitting, “When you heal the metaphysical you get a clear channel for what is right to heal your physical body.”

I’m certain that as long as my essence feels the warm embrace of my own light I can share my light and love with others. Healing has taken place at each turn of this journey. And look at that – I was right… there was some emotional component, and I finally put my finger on it. We are ALL so much more than these physical bodies. Whether it is cancer or any of the other hundreds of dis-ease states our bodies might experience. Taking care of ourselves is so much more than looking at the physical needs of this innately genius physical frame. I am so grateful for the wake-up call I received. Knowing now, nearly 7 months after I was diagnosed with cancer – it was never about the cancer. It was about me waking up, and finding the inner Me. The Big Me. The bigness I felt within is so beautifully powerful because it’s the interconnectedness of every single part of the whole. And understanding that if you’re not willing to look within yourself and see your role in your perceived reality, then your perception of the world is lost. Nothing is as it seems. Remember when I told the doctors it’s not random? I have come to understand and be grateful that all of this happened for a reason.

For the first time I am looking forward to the new paths I’ll discover and the continued healing and growing that I know will take place. God was right. It does not matter which treatment you choose. Because it is not the treatment that has healed me. It is ME who has allowed love IN and by supporting myself this way I do not forget who I came here to BE. For the longest time I looked forward to the destination: the removal of my diagnosis. Now that I am truly living each day as though I am cancer free, the journey itself looks a lot more like heaven and experiencing life here on earth feels a lot more like a blessing.

In this season of life, with little people looking up to you, so many of us put ourselves last. So many of us moms choose* to fill others’ cup before our own because at any given moment there are tiny humans demanding a trillion things from you. “I want water. Not that cup. Where’s my straw? No! I said no lid, yes ice. Why isn’t it cold? Where’s my snack? I need to poop. Come wipe me. I need to tell you something. Smell my horse. Read to me? I love you Mom! Hold me, Mama! She took my toy. Dawson ate my picture. Mom, mom, MOOOM!!!” With a baby on my boob, grabbing a snack for this one, and cleaning up that one’s spilled water… Ex.Haust.ING. Don’t get me wrong, my children are grateful, and they are the lights of my life, but they incessantly ask for things and NEED things from me, which can make it almost impossible for a mom to accomplish anything for herself. There’s just something about Mom-life where you feel drawn to take care of your babies first. There are a million requests and I do in fact say no to a lot of them, but it’s hard. It’s hard to make time for yourself when the tiny humans you love so much are demanding so much of your time. It’s hard to remain centered when you’ve got tantrums flying and littles climbing the curtains. #mommingainteasy

I said something at the BIRTHFIT Summit on a Podcast last summer. I did not fully appreciate my own insights, and I surely did not know the immensity of what I was saying at the time: I said “You need to GIVE to yourself in a real true way. Not by manicures and massages, but truly GIVING to yourself on a level that makes you feel alive.” It was as if someone else had given me those words at the time… because I have heard my own voice resonating those words every day, ever since I said them. As moms we need to get to know ourselves from the inside out. Love ourselves unconditionally, and stop with the crazy expectations. We need to fill our own cups first by connecting with ourselves during quiet moments so that when our kids get to volume 11 and crazy hits the fan – we’ve got that sacred foundation of love that keeps the calm. This is a daily practice, just like meditation, love is a practice that I pray each and every person reading this decides to join me on.

When we were in Hawaii we took the kids to none other than a Hawaiian Luau! The show was fantastic, the food was incredible, and of course I spilled my drink all over the table while parenting 3 over tired children who simultaneously needed to potty, didn’t want to eat their food, and couldn’t decide if nursing would distract him from the show. This is real life folks. But while we were there Brandon insisted he wanted to buy me a pearl necklace as something to remember and embrace our healing experience on this trip. He had picked one he liked, and told me to pick any pearl I wanted. I wasn’t surprised that we had picked almost the exact same pearl – a Tahitian black pearl in a perfectly imperfect teardrop rounded shape. But what I was surprised by was the meaning behind that specific kind of pearl that we had picked. Instead of my usual late night facebook browse I decided to look up the meaning of this particular stone and I found something magical:

What I read stated that this stone allows one to open up and find the meaning and purpose of ones’ true self. It’s believed to enlighten the mind and inspire the mood, while helping learn to love oneself more. In turn helping to love others more as well. Whoa. If that wasn’t a great piece to wear and remind me of this journey and remind me to be true to my purpose I don’t know what is!  

As we came to the end of our amazing family getaway my heart had never been so certain that all is as it should be. I’m healed. I’m whole. I’m happy. It might have taken me some back and forth, some wading, some testing new waters once we returned home, but that’s what life is all about, right? It’s about finding balance and living out of love. I’m so grateful not only to have had the life changing experience of getting and BEATING cancer, but to continue to live life at such a high vibrational resonance. To help others experience love this way, and to cherish the rest of my life.

(*For the record: I will in fact have some tests or images run at some point – and I’ll let you know when that magic # appears, but for now – God let me know that I’m healed, and it’s a beautiful thing to live life Cancer Free.)

Dr. Snip

I’m a planner. I’ve always had a tidy little planner with boxes and highlights, different color coded memos, running To Do Lists, and sparkly stickers for the days I work out. It’s just WHO I am – and I rather like it that way. None of this was in my plan. My 2017 was supposed to look like: New pretty office space, VBAC like a boss, Love on my baby until it’s time to save some more lives, Start up BIRTHFIT and grow the mom-bond in my community, Enjoy my family all whilst gradually planning when I’d convince my husband that it was all so much fun we should probably have baby #4 and start the whole damn thing over again. The Elise that I know just loves creating a plan, and watching it play out like a well-orchestrated masterpiece. Until – Cancer.

HA.

God was like, “Remember when you told me you’d do anything for me. That this was MY plan, and that you were going to say Yes to whatever it was I have in store for you… Well, you did. And it’s all going to be okay. Trust me, but you’re in for a bumpy ride!”  

I continue to learn more about myself than I ever knew there was to learn.

Recently, I’ve been kind of a hermit. Things have been going really well, and I’ve been taking time to give myself what I need and putting everything else down for a moment. I’ve been on top of my nutrition. I have a well thought out rhythm to my day that doesn’t feel stressful, but allows me to get all my self-love therapies in, as well as exercise and become mindful in even the craziest of moments. I don’t feel like I’ve got cancer. I feel like I’ve finally given myself the type of love and devotion I’ve been craving for years. It feels so good to let some things go, with no guilt or shame, and enjoy a cup of tea while I listen to the rain, and watch my kids play and argue together. I love each moment just the same. Or let my husband do the kid thing (in the crazy way he does) and give myself time to unwind and get re-centered. It almost feels wrong to tell people I’m healing from cancer, because I don’t appear or feel like a sick person at all. So their facial expression often looks scared, unsure of what to say, and unsure of how to react. I remind them, I’m ok. I am taking care of my body the way it was intended, and I feel amazing as I’ve watched this healing journey take place. One of the things I focused on was truly having gratitude for as many things all day as I possibly can. I started with journaling 3 things each day that I am grateful for… and it turned into embracing gratitude in every moment of my day, for even the most challenging of situations.

Back to my Plan. My husband has always and forever been my support system. He has never questioned me for my healing choices and has always taken the brunt of most peoples’ questions. Recently he had a plan of his own which absolutely devastated me. I am happier than I could have imagined with our family of five, despite all the changes to the way life looks these days. But I have always said if we have three kids, I want to have 4, because I don’t want anyone to feel left out. I just always saw myself with 4 kids. The transition to having three was pretty seamless in the beginning, and I never shut the door to more kids, just thinking it would play out the way it was supposed to. Brandon always said he wanted two children… and it took several months of convincing to get Daws Baby approval. Eventually, I think I would have been ready to say “maybe there is no Baby #4 in store for us,” but recently, and very abruptly, Brandon had a gut feeling and a sense of urgency that NOW was the time to visit Dr. Snip. Yep. He scheduled a vasectomy without telling me. Once he had told me it was on the books, he had the procedure done, without my support. He was adamant that it needed to happen now. He couldn’t explain just why. Despite my disapproval with the situation he was still certain that a vasectomy needed to happen. He even told me it was okay for me to be mad at him, bracing himself for the emotions that were going to follow. He had an inner knowing that this was his next right step…

I was crushed. Every hope and dream I’d once had could no longer exist. My thought of “when I’m better and this is all behind me I can return to my once perfect plan” was gone. Even if I didn’t want another child, the chance and opportunity to make that choice down the road was taken from me. I literally cried so hard I wondered if I would ever stop. This was the end of an era… the end of my childbearing years, which still seems surreal to me. You see, pregnancy, birth, children – they make me feel whole. I love everything about the process and the woman it turns you into. Part of me felt very betrayed. So many women seem so nonchalant about their husband’s Snip... but I just couldn’t get past it. I grieved the loss of that part of my life. I was angry at Brandon, angry at cancer because had I not gotten sick he might not have chosen to take these steps, and in a way I was devastated at the completeness of my family, even though I was completely content with where we are. It didn’t feel fair that I didn’t get to experience the choice of when our family began (as Harper was a welcomed surprise) or ended (as Brandon made that choice before I was ready). It was absolutely one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with on a personal level. But you know what? I made it through.

I allowed myself to feel the feels, accept my grief, love myself for the loss I had experienced, and I came out on the other side – still alive. And still whole. You see, whether he did it now, or waited until Dawson was a year old like I had requested – I would still* need to process those feelings. No matter how long I wanted to push those feelings off, I still owed it to myself to honor those feelings and love myself through it.

Again: Mind. Blown. I had no idea I was so capable of moving through such a challenge. I had no idea if the tears would end or if my shattered plans would ever feel settled again. Until I realized it’s not about me or my plans. It never was. I have listened for the way God speaks to me, and become in tune with trusting in the Lord. Never once did I expect the Lord to reach out to Brandon in a way that would both hurt me so badly, but also lead me back to trust and faithfulness in such a bold way. My plans have been thrown out the window, and I feel more free than I ever have.

On my walk yesterday, with every single step I said all of the things I am so grateful for at this moment in my life. I couldn’t stop. I’m grateful for the three beautiful healthy children I have. I’m grateful for a loving husband who allowed me to express my anger and sadness in the way I needed to. I’m grateful that I was able to experience severe sadness, anger, and let go of whatever future plans my mind had conjured up – and love myself through that process. I’m grateful that my husband gave me the opportunity to challenge myself in a way I didn’t know I was ready for. I’m grateful that, while it was not my plan or my choice, I can accept that it was never meant to be MY plan. I never expected to trust God in this way. Often when I am quiet, and asking to feel God’s presence, I’m looking for direction. Not once did I imagine that in those moments he was speaking truth into the heart of the one person I hold closest. And that while I might be challenged in a way I wasn’t sure I could come back from, it actually drew me closer to my true essence. It drew me closer to God, and ultimately, it drew me closer to my husband as well.

Healing is not about being perfect. It’s not about eliminating negativity or never being sad. It’s not about eternal positivity. It’s about recognizing your emotions for what they are, and letting yourself experience them to their fullest. Once you have, and that emotion has processed – it’s about loving yourself for having endured hard times with or without much grace, and loving the future you for knowing how truly capable you now are.

I see now that I have spent so much time focusing on positivity, love, and thankfulness, that I feared anger, sadness, and resentment. The FEAR of anger, sadness, bitterness, and grief was something I needed to embrace head on, and release with love. All of these feelings: joy, contentment, gratitude, sadness, anger, - they are neither good, nor bad. They are all an integral part of who I am, who we all are! It’s absurd to think in order to heal you can never be mad, or you can never be upset. The key is that once you experience the emotion for what it is, you do not stay stuck there. You move through the emotion and past it. You love yourself for allowing the Inner You to express your true essence, and become the love always were and always will be. As a Mom of little people, loving yourself can often be a huge challenge. There is a lot of room for judging yourself harshly, not feeling like you’re doing a good enough job, and never quite feeling like you’ve got it down. I used to be stuck here. I was the stuckest Mom ever, in this never ending cycle of Mom Guilt that ate at me. I have a strong willed child and for years I felt like I couldn’t connect with other moms because “I couldn’t do the gentle parenting thing right.” I was so hard on myself if I got frustrated, and often thought very little of myself even for valiant efforts in the parenting ring. I stuffed those feelings of frustration, sadness and anger down, trying not to acknowledge them, rather than expressing them. I know there are moms out there who know what I’m talking about: Avoiding play dates because of fear of judgement from other moms of how you handle the situation. Avoiding Mom’s Night because it was easier to stay home than compare their Pinterest projects to my hot mess express… I’m not saying this for sympathy or recognition – I’m saying this because I know there are moms out there that feel the same way I used to. This is not a place you have to stay, or should dwell in. This is a chance for you to acknowledge the efforts you give, and the love you give your kiddos, and then take a step back and say “Today is for me. Today I’m going to choose to love me. First. I’m going to forgive myself for unattainable expectations, and love the way I Mom, Today.”  

I realize now that part of why I love pregnancy so much is the love I give myself during that time. I love my changing body and embrace my curves with abandon. I take myself shopping to dress that beautiful glowing body in a way that makes me feel radiant. I take time for myself to journal, walk, relax, and be still. I say no to things because I don’t want my plate too full. I take time to spend one on one with my husband, and time to be extra grateful knowing that our lives are going to change in a matter of months. There is a greater trust I have knowing that boy or girl, my heart is going to explode with more love than I had before. I SEE why I love that part of my life, and why I was so crushed when it came to an end. But my best friend pointed out a great truth: The love I give myself during pregnancy doesn’t have to end once the baby is born. And it doesn’t have to end now. I do all of those things and more these days – and my cup has never felt more full. What have you done today, to fill your cup? What have you done that makes you feel alive? Whether you are pregnant, postpartum, or trying your hardest to conceive that baby you know is waiting for you – I encourage you to have grace for yourself today. Feel all the feels. Be still. And give yourself love.

The Reality of Real Life

I’ve been told that I’m brave, that I’m forging a new course, that I am doing the unthinkable. Most of my days make me feel pretty empowered and inspired – but then there also comes the reality of real life that sets in at some point during each and every single day. One of the biggest lessons I’m learning through this process is that I, just like the rest of my life, am a work in progress. In these last few months I’ve had many ups and downs, and I’m sure there are many more to come. I’ve shared a couple of stories so far about a pivotal moment or two in this journey, because realizing huge concepts (like how my emotional state affects my physical state, or how I am capable of far greater things than I ever gave myself credit for) are what continue to shape me in this process. Just because I realize something so powerful does not mean the practical application comes easily. Quite the opposite, actually. I’ve grown thankful for the ups, but more so for the downs because of what I continually learn about myself. The concept of liminal space was introduced to me last week. It’s the transitional part of a story: after the major conflict arises, but before the final resolution. It’s described as the part of the story where the main character encounters the most personal growth and ultimately leads up to a great resolve. In the heat of despair, it is not easy for me to appreciate the downs, but knowing that this liminal transition in my life is leading me to a great resolve makes me appreciate the process.

Every single day I wake up, there’s work to do. From sun up to sun down my mind not only focuses on being a mother, a wife, a doctor, it focuses every second on taking care of the Me. It focuses on what I am doing in this very moment to help shift my body towards health and wellness. Not many people know what goes into a day in the life of this shift. At any given moment there are 46 things I can be doing on my list of healing and getting well. I could have every minute of every day planned for all of the things I need to DO. But every single day I choose to put myself first and simply Be.

I had to change my perspective. One can get lost in all of the daily tasks. It can become overwhelming whether you are trying to get yourself well, or simply keep up with life’s demands. I invite you to look at the endless list of life’s tasks a bit differently.  I realize I’ve painted a picture of love and grace that might only feel attainable in a serene, quiet, magical space. The real magic is attaining this balance in the middle of spilled oatmeal, getting ready for school chaos, poopy diapers, and bickering kids. For the first time ever I am not paralyzed by the un-done. In fact, it’s kind of liberating to look at my un-completed To-Do-List as an endless list of options if I so choose to get something done. It’s freeing to take in a deep breath, and fully exhale with no stress over what needs to get finished. This is made especially easy when you come to find that your kids have deleted the “Notes” app on your phone which used to hold 115+ random tid bits and To-Do-Lists you’d once kept track of. At first I panicked! “How will I remember lists, numbers, all of the things!?” Then I took a deep breath and was filled with gratitude. It was almost a weight lifted off my shoulders to magically have years of Lists – gone. No expectations of myself, no tasks I will ‘get around to someday’. Just me. Ready to show up for myself at this moment. I’ve learned to set limits for myself. I’ve learned to say no, and set boundaries so I don’t get over-stressed. The truth is, cancer or no cancer, that’s no easy task for anyone! Showing up for yourself and giving yourself the love and attention you deserve is a priority, not a privilege.

When my kids are screaming in my face because someone took the other one’s underwear and the first one ate the other one’s last bite – I pause. I know you know what I’m talking about… the Mom Stress of the day to day real life stuff. I deal with all of that too!! But the good news is – navigating those tumultuous waters doesn’t have to look pretty, and often never does. I used to get caught up in the work. Caught up in needing to get it right, needing to have my shit together. But guess what: NO ONE has their shit together. This creates a perceived stress that can be suffocating. Accepting your circumstances and being grateful for where you’re at as opposed to being anxious for what’s to come will literally change how you’re able to see everything in life.

A message was slipped to me the other day, at exactly the right time I needed to hear it. So I thought I would share: “Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galations 6:9 We are all set on a path, and there is hard work ahead of each of us, no matter what the journey is. But we are instructed to go forth, do hard work, and not to give up. This reminds me that each moment of every day is worth it. The hard work God has set before me NOW is worth every ounce of dedication for the amazing story he is continually unfolding in my life.

We’ve all got 24 hours. Yes, it takes a long time to juice. Yes, it takes a long time to prepare fresh whole food meals. Yes, is time consuming to be conscious of how I fit every bit of everything into my daily life. Sometimes people seem shocked and confused at my efforts, but when I look at how I choose to spend my 24 hours, it is the intentionality that counts. I am intentionally choosing to *live, and put forth that hard work now, so that my children will reap the reward of this effort. When you look at what you can do with each passing minute and how it evolves into a 24-hour time block, you see that it’s not about fitting it all in. It’s about maximizing each moment, and embracing all of the life you can live throughout all of your experiences – simply by BEing present in that moment. And most importantly, it’s about never giving up.

I am truly blessed beyond belief. I didn’t choose this life. This life chose me. There are definitely moments I get tripped up. There are moments I feel like there will never be enough time to get it all in, or get it right: that’s right about the time when my body shuts down. It’s this crucial time when things feel their hardest and I lose sight of my mission that I give myself grace, and I give my body rest. It’s not about always feeling 100%, or doing amazing – it’s about BEing true to myself, which also includes loving myself through agonizing detox migraines or sleeping my way through the uphill climb my body has with maximizing change. It’s about re-centering my thoughts and intentions. I know with each passing moment the effort is *Massive, and when the intentionality of those moments add up, you begin to see healing happen all day. Everyday.

I am blessed because if given the choice I would not have chosen this life – this struggle – this work. But because it has been placed before me, I have been given an incredible opportunity to seize every moment in love.

Breastfeeding with Breast Cancer

My little squish is 6 months old today! If you know me, I go all out on Half-Birthdays, and today there are so many reasons to celebrate this occasion. These past 6 months have flown by. This is such a milestone, for more reasons than one. Of course my son is sitting up, scooting backwards, and being squishably cute, but it’s a massive milestone because when I received my diagnosis I was still in the 4^th trimester after birth. I was still very raw with hormones fluctuating and milk flowing like crazy. My husband and I went through the motions. We met with all the doctors, and got all the recommendations. I was urged by each and every one of them to stop breastfeeding my son because of the treatments they were recommending. Coming from a mom who has nursed all of her babies past the age of 2, this was devastating. When my whole world came crashing down, terminating the breastfeeding relationship I had just begun sounded like the last thing my heart could take. I promised myself that I would look into every single option, and I promised my baby that no matter what I would take care of him.

I made it very clear from day one that if I find it necessary to stop breastfeeding in order to save my life, I will do this at a moment’s notice. After a lot of prayer and listening with an open heart, I decided that I would continue to nurse Dawson until it was time to stop. When would that be? I had no idea. But for right then it was fine and safe, and I would just feed him the best way I knew how until there was something telling me I shouldn’t. It was my goal to be able to nurse for at least 6 months. So here I am, breastfeeding with breast cancer. Ha! Try Googling that one – you won’t find many resources or DIY instructions on where to start. And no, I cannot pass breast cancer along to my son by feeding him this liquid gold. That’s a thing. People have asked.

There are a few other things I tried Googling with little to no feedback: What does it feel like to have cancer? Cancer is supposed to be silent. Hard, painless nodules that creep up on you until it gobbles you up. This was not at all what I experienced. At my worst, it was hard for me to admit feeling as terribly as I did. It was hard for me to give myself grace and time for healing because I didn’t realize how depleted my body actually was. Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling my body went through. It felt like every single cell in my body was slowly asphyxiated by sludge. It took a ridiculous amount of energy to get up and do the most minor tasks. Unloading the dishwasher required a 2-hour nap. My body had been hit by a truck, and I couldn’t pick myself back up. I couldn’t stand up or hold my baby for more than short bits at a time without a deep boring pain at the center of my joints and throbbing aches all over my body. If my hips could have exploded, I’m sure they would have. Wearing my baby was almost completely out of the question. I had this recurring writhing knotted feeling creep in through my uterus and ovaries that would literally bring me to my knees. The tumor site itself felt like a searing hot fire poker burning into the depths of my breast tissue. A constant reminder of my current state. My mind went blank. I quite literally lost my mind, and could not find it. I was unable to remember the simplest tasks. I used GPS for places I had been dozens of times to avoid missing turns and getting myself lost. Trying to put together a grocery list brought me to tears on multiple occasions. From a seemingly healthy looking person on the outside, I was dying on the inside. With 3 children under the age of 5, a business to run, and the weight of the world on my shoulders, my stress levels were uncontrollable. So I prayed.

When traversing through the healing process after a cancer diagnosis I found a vast emotional component at the root of it all. The more I held my feelings in the worse my body felt. The first time I saw this shift was at one of my life’s most favorite experiences, the BIRTHFIT Summit in California. I was surrounded by a huge group of amazing, powerhouse, inspirational women, but felt despairingly alone. For the few women there who knew what was going on, they offered endless support, but I had no idea what I needed or how anyone could help. All I knew was that I was physically present, but the pain I was in almost sent me packing. I remember texting my friend late one night saying “I just can’t seem to find myself. Can you pray for me?” I had no idea what I even meant by that at the time. She sent me some inspiring scripture, and I was able to fall asleep knowing someone else took care of the worry. The very first time I acknowledged that I was afraid was when I faced my fear head on. At the end of an intense day filled with inspiration and love Dr. Lindsey Mathews was wrapping up with a community circle time. She asked if anyone had anything they wanted to share, or if anything came up, as she had done with all the other end of evening routines. I didn’t feel courageous. I felt scared shitless. But I raised my hand. In front of 40-some women, I offered up my secret to reveal my vulnerability and fear. I will never forget the experience that happened after I cried big fat ugly tears into that microphone. I was a part of the most amazing embrace, the biggest group hug, filled with the most love and compassion anyone could imagine. I was surrounded by the same women as the night before, but instead of feeling alone, I felt unstoppable. These women are my tribe. They showed up for me during my first release of fear and helped me step out of my comfort zone. The physical changes I felt after that were astonishing. First: I cried. Non-stop. I just cried my eyeballs out for a good 12 hours straight. Hugs and tears. Then something miraculous happened: I slept for 8 hours straight (with a 4-month old baby, folks!) The next day I woke up with no pain. I was tired, but I wasn’t burdened with the physical pain of carrying that load by myself. From that experience, I have incorporated a daily practice of emotional and spiritual support, re-centering myself, and embodying gratitude at its deepest level.

Today. I feel amazing. I have never felt so alive. I’ve never felt so strong and able, so full of energy and vitality. Looking back, I have an immense amount of gratitude for how far I’ve come.  There have been so many things along the way that have fallen into place for my spirit and my physical body to work in harmony towards healing. As my friend Mel says, we truly are spiritual beings, navigating this physical realm. I found that once you give yourself permission to allow that essential part of you, the True You, to shine through, you unlock a certain magic, where anything is possible.

There it was. I had found myself. Once this happened, I literally started experiencing myself as an outward expression of God’s love for the first time. Not just sharing this love, but embodying it.  I’ve been a Christian my whole life, and many people know me as being ‘strong in my faith’ – but for the FIRST time, without any boundaries I FELT the warm embrace of absolutely unaltered, unconditional, forever-and-ever-times-a-million LOVE is. Whether you call it God, the universal existence, the creator almighty, or however you associate with a higher power – I felt it. I felt connected to myself and to the universe. I felt what it meant to be forgiven, and to forgive myself for being so damn mean to myself for so many years. I cried big fat *beautiful tears and let it all go. I’m going to have a separate post all together for this ‘mom guilt’ people reference. They talk about it almost as if it’s some rite of passage, and I’d like to put that one to bed. Because when you experience a love like this, and love yourself for every ounce of who you are, you know that you can breathe in, and let it all out. You are forgiven, you are loved, and there is nothing left to feel guilty for. Watching my life unfold and experiencing myself AS love is a true gift each and every single day. The potential for amazing things to happen is far beyond my comprehension. I literally fall in love all day. I am overfilled with gratitude for every moment of where I am at in life. Cooking dinner: I’m telling my carrots I love them, stirring my soup with passion, and thanking my meal for unequivocal nourishment that will help my body heal and function at its best. (Don’t be mistaken. My life is still super messy. My kids still scream in my face and drive me nutso. Life is not all rainbows and sunshine. But even with their crazy shenanigans I find myself extremely grateful.) Have you ever *felt life* so deeply you could literally taste the excitement and embrace all sensations at once, enough to embody your true self? This is healing. THIS is life. 

For the record, the only pain I currently experience is in my glutes because I have started rocking out those squats… like a boss. #bunsbaby! I am devoting every second of everyday to the Total Human Effort of taking care of this physical body out of love and not fear. It is a beautiful thing to watch the progression of healing before my own eyes. For those who have been with me when I promptly recall facts and don’t lose my train of thought mid-sentence: feel free to slide me a high five or join my dance party, because that is huge! My brain is coming back too!  So here I am, breastfeeding with breast cancer, and “I’m totally killing it at momming right now” as the owner of a local coffeeshop told me last week. If he only knew how much that meant to me to hear! This half-birthday celebration is quite the milestone for my sweet son and for me.